5.4.2024 [5:46 p.m.] - feeling much much better. finished my first draft of my gross worm story!! quite pleased to have finished it. i have a headache again because i've been squinting to be able to see the screen. need to contacts asap. 5.4.2024 [2:45 p.m.] - forgot to take my pills and feeling disjointed and unsatisfied. i'm irritated with the cold air blowing on me, the grossness of this kitchen, the lack of interesting things to do on this computer, the amount of time before i get to go home, and on and on. ... 5.3.2024 [9:47 a.m. - weird number again!] - feeling peculiar and unoccupied. i want answers about what's coming next and preferably simple but enjoyable tasks to do now, but i don't have either of these things..... perhaps i will get started on the second part of my girlfriend's birthday present today.... i have some good ideas for it. another create. i need to create a website. a portfolio for my writing. it's a bit silly not to start gathering everything in one place at this point-- at least my manywor(l)ds, my sans. press, and my carrion should be collected together. perhaps also i'll submit tornado season somewhere. maybe that'll be an activity for right now. i hate being in publication mode.... i love being in publication mode.... rahh ... 5.2.2024 [11.36 a.m. - weird number] - very exciting day.... my big publication news i feel absolutely silly with delight..... about to have two job interviews which is quite peculiar but. so it goes. trying to get things settled for next year. feeling good!! another warm day with big fluffy clouds. ... 5.1.2024 [11:00 a.m.] - it really seems like my professors have given up lol.... my morning class got canceled once i was already there and my 3:00 p.m. got canceled just now. so i have two classes today. and then one class tomorrow and one class the next day and it's the weekend again. taking five classes i've had a few really intense weeks out of nowhere but i still have a lot of time where i'm not actually doing anythinggg and it makes me feel a little hollow and anxious. the summer will be nice. i need it to be summer. beginning to think about packing up. it'll be strange seeing my storage-locker ass room all empty. seemed so full of possibility when i moved in. i feel like a more solidified person now, probably for the best. the thing i miss the most now that i had at the beginning of the year is i could drink pretty much freely then. we'll see where that goes. ohhhh the inconvenience of having people who love you. i could just moan on and on about it. ... 4.30.2024 [one minute before 12:30 p.m.] - finally got around to writing the mission statement for the website project. now we'll see if i can muster the strength to work on my rwandan women/democratization paper for a while. it truly weighs on me but i sit down in the library and cannot find the drive to do anything about it. i do NOT want it to end up a last minute sham job. ... 4.29.2024 [7:01 p.m. (precisely 4 hours later!)] - out of the sun for the day. feeling.... sunburnt but acceptable. looking forward to taking a shower. 4.29.2024 [3:01 p.m. (good number)] - big day for politically active-type students at my college. still trying to decide if that includes me in this specific way. feeling strange and dusty still. i really need the year to be over. i'm ready to go home. i think sometimes i pin stuff on 'i need to go home' when i'm feeling a wider sense of not belonging/being satisfied with/resting anywhere. as if school is where i have my real life and home is a dreamland. will definitely stop feeling that way over the summer when home is my internships and my job and missing my girlfriend and school friends and being lonely, which is to me the most concrete emotions. i feel when people talk about loneliness they think of it as an abstract, reaching thing, like a mist coming off one's body, but with me it's concrete, a feeling like something crumpled up inside me trying to unfold but there's not enough room. when i'm lonely, i want specific things: to cook a meal for a table full of friends, to have someone i can text and have them come right over to my house or vice versa, someone to drink and go into the city with, someone to tell what i'm reading or writing. i have all of these things, but the loneliness takes hold when my ease of access to them decreases, and then the growing loneliness makes it harder for me to seek for them (since it robs my confidence and motivation), thus the loneliness feeds itself. ... 4.28.2024 [creeping towards 1 p.m.] - laundry today. can't think about any assignments. brain still feeling a bit fuzzy from weed i think? i think i want to quit smoking but it's hard. i'm not used to having someone caring about me like my girlfriend does-- sometimes it feels kind of constraining. it's a strange feeling. thinking about writing a poem about the strange collection of things that make me feel nostalgic. it's cloudy but 200 degrees and humid. ... 4.26.2024 [10:15, still at work] - finished the assignment. genuinely feeling better! 4.26.2024 [9:31, at work] - i'm so sick of getting paid and finding it's less than i expected. it's so irritating to be working as much as i am and making so little money. i think my brain computes that i should be getting paid for my college work which is obviously very silly and not true. i'm just excited for over the summer when i can waitress whenever i'm not at my internships. i still have to do all this onboarding stuff for them -_-. slept very warmly and well but did not feel particularly well rested when i woke up - immediately started drinking an energy drink on an empty stomach which is a bad move. feeling generally negative towards myself. i need to let that go. maybe i'll feel better after i do my assignment due in a couple hours. destroyer is great music for people who wish david bowie was still alive. ... 4.25.2024 [well past noon] - finished that fucking paper. i guess i didn't even mention it this morning but i had to write a fucking paper that was torturing me. another one. but i finished it. godbless 4.25.2024 [closer to noon than expected] - interesting talk in cinema class damaged by the fact that the people in that class are like legitimately stupid. reddit cat image is there any way to make my cinema class smarter because they are actually a different level of stupid. anyone know what i'm referencing? i'm getting closer to locking down a new story idea, which is nice-- just gotta check with the person whose idea it's slightly inspired off of that that would be okay. already sent her a message. oh yay she just wrote back and said "that would be fucking baller" and wants to hear more. having awesome creative female friends makes my heart beat. my girlfriend feels unwell again today. i do not mind at all that she is sick all of the time i think i feel my heart grow to have more room for both her and her pain. potentially coming into contact with coke and acid soon which will be an interesting test of my will. i really do want to change for the better but i often feel unsure of what's better and what's just more interesting. ... 4.24.2024 [just before noon] - satisfying date again! between the time i wrote here yesterday and the time i'm writing today i've fallen ill. i am telling my friends that my symptom is i feel no light in my heart, which is true, but materially i am just very much ill in the physical sense, less so mentally. i honestly have decent motivation and would like to go for a run, but it would seem the spirit is willing but the flesh has a cold. i need another writing project immediately but i can't seem to think of a story. maybe something internet-y. maybe chatlogs from the future?? much to consider. grey again, but no rain predicted. amorphous sky. having the thing where i find myself curious about people from high school. no dreams last night-- took nyquil before i went to bed. i could totally become dependent on nyquil if that felt of interest. ... 4.23.2024 [mid-afternoon]: satisfying date. finished my african politics paper. cloudy; rain predicted to start in 1.5 hours. would like to exercise but just ate ice cream -_-. it makes me feel a little untethered not to have my own garden, but contributing to others' is nice. had another sex dream about someone i'm not interested in. i wonder what the purpose of that is supposed to be.