http://tianadueck.com/, toronto, on
┊┊✦ hi, nice to meet you.
✦ . be my penpal ~ firstname.lastname@example.org
my blog http://tiana.computer/blog.html
— dagboek —
~ Special fishes! Hello! Right now I am thinking about how when I go to sleep, I am in an extraordinarily Taurus Moon mood, and when I wake up I am in an extraordinarily Libra Sun mood.
When I wake up, and I know I was on social media the night before, I get so worried, it ruins my morning. For some reason I have a deep feeling of regret and embarrassment when I know the night before I was in a sentimental, romantic mood. Which is unfortunate. It feels like people always tell you to be yourself! be vulnerable! People are always like "It's so special that you are being vulnerable!" but whenever I am being vulnerable, I do not feel like I receive any of that energy. Which makes me feel very alone, when I am not. I wish there was someone in my life who I knew I could call and be understood when it's 2am and I am all Taurus moon, because I think if someone told me what they see me experiencing from the outside, maybe I would be able to feel more okay about it, and maybe I could figure out how to comfortably conduct myself when I feel that way.
I have also been thinking about how people often dwell on "I wish" "I should have" "I could have" "What if" ideas. Like I sort of did above lol. As if there is some alternative reality, they feel guilty that they didn't have or do this thing right in the past. There is not alternative ending to your life choices. Life happens the way it does and that's it. Instead of feeling guilty and ashamed of not having these wishes, shoulds, coulds, and what ifs Right Now, I think it is better to just be entertained by the idea and see if it is feasible in some way for the future. Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Feel free to email me.
~ hello again. Nice to come back and see some new design changes to special.fish! loving it.
A lot of my pen-paling has come to a full halt - it's hard to keep up! I think some people give up on responding because a bunch of time passes, i think the time to respond to a penpal is infinite, no pressure!
Anyway I have a bit of a rant. I met this guy on hinge who is actually really cool to me? which never happens. Into the same music and fashion as me, wears great shoes. That's really all i need.
Not the best conversationalist over text but i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. I am really tired of chasing men though , it's just not gna happen anymore. Anyway, the strange thing is that he seems to be into me as well! Amazing. Hopefully this whole pandemic thing doesn't last too long because I would like to meet him. Having a crush is exhausting though and you can bet that I have a fear of intimacy so i'll be watching self help videos on youtube again --- i've watched a lot of them and I'm not really sure they have been much help... i think they have, i just sort of suck at taking advice.
But seriously why don't cute boys want to text me? ask me literally any question and i will answer.
Been learning more about marketing. Been working on my website. Been thinking about special.fish. Been finishing my documentary. Been watching Gilmore Girls. Life is really simple right now and I need to realize that. I always have an underlying anxiety (because I am a young human) and I just need to look at my life and say ' that is not bad at all! ' 'cause it's not.
I learned carissa by sun kil moon on guitar! Very fun to play.
~ hi!! today i did more work on my website - worked out some annoying bugs!! :+) always rewarding when you figure out how to communicate with you computer better. http://tiana.computer/
~ super exciting news!!! i've launched a new website :+) i couldn't help but to purchase the domain tiana.computer.. Shamlessly inspired by elliott so thank you elliott.computer.
she is my pride and joy. i have never launched my very own static website before, only cms sites. a new chapter... if you like it let me know! my go daddy plan allows for many websites so if u need one u could hire me :o just saying.
~ thinking about how the people i admire and am inspired by most are people i have never met and may never meet.. hmm. why do i idolize people who will never see me clearly. i need to cherish those that i have around me more.. but lately i feel like i’m the only one reaching out. aaah loneliness
~ beeeep dating apps don't work. i am a teleprompter. nobody is sick, everyone is healthy. i should thank my body for being healthy more often.
i need to take my iron pills and vitamin d and stuff cause i want to stay health. i am so lucky to be healthy, how obscure to be 'Okay'.
this virus thing going around has everyone very worried, i wonder if i should worry. it hasn't really done much yet (when you compare it to other things that kill),
but it is spreading pretty sneakily and quickly and that's not very nice. i hope everyone washes their hands and avoids touching their face.
i keep rubbing my poor eyes!! i dont want to age quickly, someone glue my hands to the keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
i am only 22
~ oh man, lots of people online today. hello!
~ hey i've been watching so much gilmore girls but it's okay. i finished a zine about park benches today. more action less talk. more process less product.
looked at peef's profile - what a load of links! feasting my eyes.
no one has answered my emails to them today, if i hadn't watched so many movies today i wouldn't be bothered but... :+) life goes &
~ today i was lazy. i edited my film some more and sent it to adam who will hopefully make some nice green-house - six songs for invisible gardens esc tunes to accompany the motion picture.
got my friends into emailing a little bit, i think people like emailing for fun now and then but personally i want to make it a hobby, only thing is that it takes 2 or a few.
i hope people will respond to my emails. sending and receiving emails makes me smile.
went on tinder and hinge a lot today... already regretting downloading them again. would much rather hand my card to a cute person on the street. going to try that the next time i feel like it.
toronto is painfully introverted, i am moving to berlin.. or new york if they have a clearance on housing.
watched a lot of rom coms and whatever today, in a very Taurus moon mood, that being hopelessly romantic, very exhausting. i am so productive when i don't feel romantic.. tomorrow i will get over it.
tomorrow i'm going to keep working on my website. i need to write down more on paper about the design of it. so far it is going well. hopefully i'll be asleep before 2am tonight.
what should my new username be?
however i do feel very attached to ti4na... she has been my identity since 2014? maybe even earlier.
~ today I worked and I was so tired but I was so happy. In traffic I was full of joy, mk.gee released a new song and it Bangs. I have been spending a lot of time alone, I'm proud of myself for not needing to have someone around in order to feel happy.
I was reading skwak's page and they talked about how most websites feel like advertisements and maybe that's true but i don't think all advertisements are bad although the word advertisement puts a big hole in my heart. maybe the concern is simply that it serves the ego? i think a website like this is no advertisement at all. everyone seems to be very open and honest here and that is so special! So special to meet a community and unique people that i otherwise would never have known. nice to get to know others and their condition as a human being, yes. and that is art. honest communication through Websites is art, not an advertisement IMO.
~ I need to remember to pay my credit card. today I began making my website and I made a zine for class. feeling more creatively fulfilled.
I am at a point again in life, for the first time in a long time, where I have no romantic interests around. nobody seems to have a Crush on me...
while I am slightly Insulted, it is refreshing. Everything I do at the moment is entirely for me, I hope I can keep up this way of being
once the next Crush rolls in. I don't mind adapting for new people in my life, but I shouldn't make too many compromises when it comes to my Source.
I guess in the past I didn't know what I wanted as much as I do now, and my past relationships have heavily impacted what defines me today,
so no regrets, but I was still very much so morphing myself into someone who was hopefully more comfortable for them to be with.
I should learn from that though, they are gone now. Best to just be myself and the right person will come along and see me for who I am and that will be nice.
Now if only I could stop letting Nerves impact my Source. I am a confident person, but I crutch on awkward tendencies. I just strive to be calm and silly. Balanced.
that's all for today! ~~~*
~ today i felt very inspired to create.
so much so that it is way too overwhelming and i need to calm down. i want to create generative art again, it is quite the endeavour. it looks so simple, but takes so much focus. i need to improve my focusing skills. i had something i wanted to say but i forget.
things i want to do...
- computer vision projects
- code my own website
- create a zine
- take photographs of strangers and become friends
- interview artists
- write an article about fashion or computers
- learn everything
- die at an appropriate age
why don’t i appear in the leaf community sometimes? i want to make friends.↗
doo bee daa
- carissa . https://youtu.be/WqIim4M0NBo
- tiana . https://youtu.be/amhpZluJyjs
- hurn . https://youtu.be/HeUphUT_ljg
- vegyn . https://youtu.be/MlIiv_Yb11U
- avril . https://youtu.be/cxqki0GxqZw
- ginsberg . https://tinyurl.com/vvgeug4
- borges . https://tinyurl.com/wrmavg4
- ishida . https://tinyurl.com/v677agy
- tsu . https://terebess.hu/english/tao/wu.html
- eliasson . https://tinyurl.com/vj2qa9d
- my journals
- Mysterious Skin . https://youtu.be/5Lp5v4oQZRw
- Russian Ark . https://youtu.be/ZV1kphEEXn8
- Funny Games . https://youtu.be/bH2HS6uWIhQ
- A Pigeon Sat... . https://youtu.be/h7pna4laaAk
- a poem
- it is late
- my eyes are very sleepy
- today i fasted for 18 hours
- then ate a vegan grilled cheese
- i will never fast for 18 hours ever again unless something terrible happens.