7/26 the smell of fried eggs makes me sick 7/21 sometimes i wonder if you scrapped the lyrics you wrote about me 6/25 i wish this pain would stop i wish everything would stop i wish i could sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep the hole in my chest just keeps growing 6/16 i have dreamt of you every single night since you left. all i can really do now is dream of being with you again and just wait and wait and wait and wait im sorry i ever stopped writing im sorry i ever strayed from how ancient and special our love is how it needs to be handled with so much care and tenderness im sorry i tangled it up until it became suffocating im sorry im sorry im sorry i dont know how i didnt know when i made the realization that you didnt look at me the way you did during our first couple of months together anymore i dont know how i could trick myself into thinking you would want to be with me forever 4/12 i miss you so much!!!! can you feel me reaching out for you? do you hear how badly i ache for your touch? 4/4 you are both the flower and the root 4/1 the clouds are mourning when the water looks like silk 3/25 your hands always feel the softest just before you're about to leave 3/9 i want to be in an open field with you i want to look into your eyes as if each of them were their own open fields filled with wildflowers and tall grass i want to feel the sun through your skin 12/27 chest cavity lined with white dove wings burning braided sweetgrass rose petals dipped in sugar water the smell of beeswax on your fingertips 12/18 i heard your voice in the slow flowing water and although it was dark out the moonlight reflecting off the ripples in the stream led my way to you i let the water wash over me i let it fill this cavity that has grown in me - a dark cave of a heart overgrown with cedar trees and hemlock - but suddenly it does not feel so barren, so guarded, so terrified of touch and sensation your light enters me where it hurts the most and softens the swollen edges it makes me remember that i'm whole it makes me remember that i'm alive 12/10 an ending is an opening 12/8 this morning i sat on the big rock that we sat on together the last time you were here and i thought about how it feels to hold your face in my hands like soft pink ribbons and rose petals and i thought about how i can always feel you near me even when you’re not here an ever-present, ever-growing glow that hovers over me like the softest drizzling clouds and the gentlest breeze i could ever feel moving across my skin i hear your name in the wind and it wraps around me like a wool blanket like slow-burning candle wax melting melting melting dripping onto the center of my chest and drying there, sealing the pact, noting the way the heart beats out of total devotion in time with yours i love you i love you i love you 12/2 slow learner slow mover slow dreamer slow realizer slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow like the earth slow like the mountains slow like glaciers slow like widening river beds and tree roots i am slow i am slow i am slow and it does not hurt me anymore 11/29 thoughts from today: moving so small it feels like you are wrapped in a cocoon then shifting into moving as though you are surrounded by vast space and moving in that vast space in such a way that you feel that space giving to you and receiving from you through your skin how tuning in to sensory stimulation can become a portal how the present moment is really, truly the only portal we have a window that's always shifting the only way to receive benediction is by surrendering if i had not surrendered myself to contingency, to chance, to luck, i probably would not have found myself plunging into the ever-growing, ever-deepening vastness that is everything we share together i have never felt more content with not being in control 11/27 daydreaming about making a blanket fort with you and then cradling you in my arms in it forever daydreaming about holding you in soft warm light and swaying so tenderly that we lose all sense of time and space and merge into one amorphous being daydreaming about rubbing my face against yours and spending the whole day in bed in our pajamas with hot chocolate daydreaming about becoming a cloud with you daydreaming about becoming everything there is to become with you 11/26 held my plant friends very close and told them about how much i love you and how much i want you to love yourself and they held me in return and told me they could feel my joy radiating from the deepest parts of me as if it were sunlight 11/25 thinking about how good my hair feels with your fingers running through it how nurturing your touch, your gaze, your presence all are - how you make me feel real just by looking at me looking into me how you hold even the most vulnerable and delicate parts of me the parts that once felt like fresh wounds stung by the harsh air pulsating and fragile, writhing in the discomfort of being human, plagued by the horror of existing you hold me even here and it makes me feel like i can hold these parts of myself, too 11/22 dreaming dreaming dreaming my hands are reaching out for yours - can you feel me? we'll stand in the morning sun until everything around us melts until we melt we'll seep into the cold dark earth and flowers will grow in our place 11/18 realized today that i am gravitating less and less towards severity and holding onto more and more beauty and joy and i can't help but to think that it's because of you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you the shadow is peeling away and all there is left is sun and sun and sun and sun 11/17 i never understood the concept of what is "holy" until we stood in my room holding each other, feeling each other on every level there is to feel, the sunlight coming through the window, your warm soft hands caressing my back and your eyes peering into me with the most tender gaze. i feel like i have seen god. 7/4 i'm feeling really confused about myself and everything in me, what i feel and what i don't feel, this simultaneous peace and restlessness. part of me is scared and part of me isn't. it's hard just to put words to it. to name it. there is an aching in my body and i don't know what the medicine is but somehow i know i have felt this before. something stored but not always felt. a quiet hum in the background of everything. i don't know what i want but i trust that leaning into unknowing will lead to finding out.