19.02.26 "chrysanthemums last forever, but they're not that nice" 16.02.26 86 days without a drink, or a smoke or [many things], and i don't miss it one bit. bailed on something the other night because of the 'potential intensity' (my words), only to get a video from n from the event saying it was actually pretty chill. really i needed to be up at 5 the next morning to get to the mountains. only i wouldn't admit to myself until after the fact that that was a major reason for my not going to the film-festival-cum-rave. it's not just that i don't want to accept that time on trails might displace other things in my life; it's that there are parts of my life that cannot know too much about each other. like where the atlantic and pacific meet there's a wildness that i'm not supposed to bring back into the city with me. i bury it deep inside myself so no one will find out and sometimes forget it's there and that it makes choices for me. we ran 37km with 1700m vert and then L went back and did it again two days later. crazy. it's been really nice running with people who are training for an ultra but to not be training for anything myself. i am getting the hankering to do some speed work though as i'm curious about where i'm at / where i can get to. but i'm also enjoying not going anywhere near the pain cave for now. i really fell out of love with running last year, found out the hard way how, once achieved, a goal can be quickly assimilated and lose all meaning, especially if i don't enjoy how i get there. these past few days i've gotten into armlock - youtu.be/DyUJB-GrU8s - their album 'seashell angel lucky charm' is really sweet, short and sweet.