✸ 3.13.26 3:07am A bright white hot light sears the retina of my exhausted former life as the clarity of Doing cuts through every tendon of What Was. There are few obstacles now, only my own apprehension. Who knew the cure for everything was only 150mg? Who knew it was so easy to swallow every morning? Everything is the same and I am cured and it is all so different. I can do anything. I will. Still, the fierce whiplash of existing without the fog hasn't turned my head away from you, though. Not much in this world could, if I'm honest. Who would I be to take for granted our shared voracious appetite of simple pleasures and luxury in the mundane and an insatiable hunger to keep creating? There's no more fog in my head. There's room for excitement in making a life worth living. Together. Its fields and fields of flowers and flowers. It has been from the start, it will be till the end of time. Its always you. #111777 #111777 #111777 #111777 #111777 ________________________________________ ✸ 3.8.26 4:33am #773052 #552926 #6a5bab The moss still points north. Always does. There's a perfect slab of flesh nestled in my gut so comfortably it feels like its going to melt between my ribs. Patchouli fills my nose, burning like a whisper from my bedroom. It was never a contest. There's a deep satisfaction in knowing I was right. The diagnosis was spot on, my introspection paid off. Patterns of behavior for years condensing themselves into a singularity that weighed in my mind can finally dissolve. I'm fixed now, I think. It all goes down easy, I don't need the rest that I used to and I have the world in the palm of my hand. Ease is the only word that comes to mind, now. But it was never a contest. Bohren stirs hazy, sultry memories of a plush red rug, leather, earthy smoke, a specific sensation of heat... but tonight it accompanied the best ribeye ever carved. My god, the way it smelled even raw. It doesn't take a penthouse life to make you feel like you've arrived. Love and luxury are found in the quiet and the mundane, in savoring and sincerity. And it was never a contest. Never in my life have I known a precise clarity like this. The fog is gone and I am out of my own way. Someday soon, I'll believe that I deserve it. Until then I continue to do the work. Its hard work, messy work, but I do it because I have to, because it's too easy to not do it, to hate, to let my heart callous over, to other, to blame. I'll keep getting better. It's worth it to get where I want to be, where I is we. It was never a contest; my god did I ever win. ________________________________________ ✸ 3.3.26 12:55pm Forgive me, I’m out of practice. I’ve missed you. Feeling brave in letting a glimpse of my other existences on the internet collide with this one- I've added my ✶✶ to my page. I live there most days. - - - It has dawned on me that time is truly the best healer, the nuance is in your own hands though- how you handle the instances of memory that catch you out of nowhere. Its not all bad, yet hindsight is still 20/20. I may not be as bitter now, but I know you still are. Who am I to disrupt lucky number 7? A month-long vacation concentrated to 8 days sticks with me daily. I know where I'm going in life, now. Struggles in the present seem smaller, easier, even if they're still stressful. But, I know it'll lead to slipping off to the lounge in the morning because I still wake up a little earlier than you, but I can watch my shows and somehow not wake you with the coffee grinder. I know it'll be more instances of a possible gin & tonic on the house because, for some reason, the bartender reflexively makes one without thinking as soon as she sees us approaching the bar to close the tab. Its repeatedly touching the rose petals, smelling them, staring at them because they're so beautiful. Its crawling back into bed and you curling your arm around me without waking up and I fall asleep on your chest again until morning. And its walking with you, anywhere, everywhere, in no particular rush because the destination pales in comparison to the journey. How lucky am I to be this excited for the rest of my life... #111777 ________________________________________ ✸ 2.7.26 11:33pm First Chicago, now here. A decade later and a familiar face graces the dj booth- well, new to me but not to her. Its a reminder that the world continues to be much smaller than we like to believe, than the internet makes us feel. The synesthetic spikes from the static of ambient dub rushing to my fingertips remind me of it. I keep it close to the chest most of the time, the noticing, I mean. But last night, it was bigger than ever- my life just looks like this. To share this life with others, to feel the bliss of connection through a volley of half-asleep and whispered "I love you so much" to cacophonous, resonant bass swirling in my chest as my friends danced furiously to a gentle text of "I made beef stew, would you like some?" "Sounds delicious- I have some sourdough, I'll bring it over." I promised myself I'd do better. I am. Its hard, but I have to live tenderly and earnestly and my god its turbulent and wonderful and enthralling. I lost a lot last year, but I'm riding a new wave and those left in the wake only have themselves to blame. ________________________________________ ✸ 2.3.26 4:14am #768bad #ad7676 I am constantly awash with tenderness. May it be as fervent as it can for as long as I’m on this Earth. “You are, therefore I am” — Satish Kumar ________________________________________ ✸ 2.2.26 5:20am You’re asleep right now, almost next to me. A consistent and boundless comfort. While a troublesome morsel doth protest, every whispered word soothes— a knife to the anxious pie. Smaller and smaller. “Do you really mean it?” “Of course I do.” Flowers. More Flowers. Incense. An Album. Another Album. Stretch. Meditation. Close. Pothos. A Future. Books. Steak. Kitchen Table. Two Chairs. Close. The Future. Hike. Stone. Tree. House. Travel. Anywhere. It’s You. Close. Closer. The Future. - - - - - 7:32pm The end-user experience of using most websites infuriates me to the point of furthering my growing Luddism, sticking to the outskirts like ✶✶ and others. Happier existing in the smaller web. ________________________________________ ✸ 1.29.26 6:05pm I do not know how to stop baring my teeth, to sheathe my claws. How dare you all to condition me to cry at the sensation of touch, the esthesis of speech, expecting it to sting, to burn, to bruise. How dare you all. ________________________________________ ✸ 1.18.26 8:54pm #020b1a #dcb697 #ff9641 #3e5879 A quiet day has me thinking about my relationship to the internet, how my use of it has shaped my life both on and offline. So far ✶✶ has been nothing but a boon to knock the pillars out from under the social media bloat. I was able to wiggle away, unburdened by numbersalgorithmadswatchinglookingnotifications. I wouldn't be here (><^*>) without it. The quiet from the lack of refreshing, scrolling, checking has my brain hungry for different things. Most of that has changed to more diligent reading and I am more Present when I'm out of the house. My phone has evolved into a mobile ✶✶ device and hosts an ever-increasing bundle of camera apps/tools (sunset dither cam has joined the roster, thank you @jakewelch, it is a delight). I could pontificate and expand on so many trailing thoughts regarding leaving bigger social media on the sidelines and how its affected me but I think I'll leave it here. The sludge is clearing out and my brain is feeling happier. Turns out, I love the internet, I just had to find an internet to love. ________________________________________ ✶✶ 1.17.26 all day Sweet dreams. Slept in. In love. Whispered mantras of devotion before you depart. Regular 4 miles; swamp was smoky yet the birds were loud and innumerable and wonderful. Shopping, browsing, can’t speak too loud in public, that’s my business. God I’ll eat well tonight. ✶✶ on my mind all day. Finally met, happy happenstance. Technical difficulties endear me further. Damn the set was good. ✶✶ freebies. Signature in my annual. Riding, talking, walking, listening, connecting ++ Calm, for once no crisis before dinner, quiet loveliness, boundless joy, impossibly full belly. Do I like ✶✶ too much? Probably not. Silly things, endeared further to you, sleepy. Sweet dreams in a moment. #111777 ________________________________________ ✸ 1.14.26 2:50am #cb0000 A vile serpent writhes in me and it fills my mouth with venom I refuse to spit. ________________________________________ ✸ 1.4.26 2:20am #243a42 #3b4163 #273431 Love is ever-present. Grief moves like the tides that surround me. There is extended tender kindness in all directions. I'm trying to take it, hold it in my paws, hoping that in time, I'll be able to see it in a still gaze, cast down at 45 degrees. Months gone buy rush up like a raged bull charging through a screen door. And it passes through me. Yet, I still see flowers. Ever-present. - - - - - 4:17am My god it’s really like this all the time… How lucky we are. ________________________________________ ✸ 12.30.25 4:15am Death arrives as a silent greeting at the door, a much quieter house, a divot in the crook of my hip left open, a routine forever halted. My god how much space you held… Still hold. ♥︎ - - - - - Touched you listened @teff ________________________________________ ✸ 12.25.25 1:17am #e9faff T a b u l a R a s a . #000e6e #ac743b Ragged fibers etched into a vermilion stone relax until its as tender as satin. Coming to life, a cathartic exchange flows underneath with lilting waves, yet the struts still ache. They will for some time. Stretching between the world and soul, exhausted tendons whisper to bone, creaking gently against the zephyr that fills lung. I wonder what it's like over there? #4b545b Elated, the diaphragm blissfully stretches for the first time in months as breath crashes down in oceanic surges. Sternum crags snap back into place. The ribs soften. Heart flows. Lungs release. Paws rest. Jaw finally loosens bite. All the leaves are gone now. The acorns nuzzle the soil. Sometimes I do too. The sun can come all the way down but if there's a good cloud overhead, I might get dizzy. t he r p e . Lord, u #ffffe8 bright It's Running running running through flowers flowers flowers. #dbe1fc #111777