[ open on a family’s front living room, everyone seated on opposite couches ]
Dad: Brian? Stacy? Your mother, Ellen, and I are so glad you decided to join us for this Family Communication session.
Stacy: So, what’s up? You guys getting divorced, or something?
Mom: No. We just wanted the family to talk as a group.
Brian: Okay. Well, let’s get it started.
Mom: Okay. Well, Stacy, Brian.. your father, Ted, and I are a little bit concerned. Cecilia, the cleaning lady, was in the family room, and she found a bag of pot.
Stacy: [ anxious ] She didn’t smoke it, did she?
Mom: No! She didn’t smoke it.
Dad: Now, we’re not here to “come down on you” I mean, that’s not what we’re about, okay?
Mom: We’re just concerned that pot could lead to other things.
Dad: Crack. Ice. Boom. Pow.
Mom: Well, we know you don’t want to hear this from us.
Dad: Sure! I mean we’re your parents! Who wants to hear this stuff from their parents, huh?
Mom: Your father and I came up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction – a motivational speaker.
Dad: Yeah. One of those guys who speaks to big groups at high schools and churches.
Stacy: You mean, to come to the house?
[ the kids get up to leave ]
Dad: Hey, come on, you guys. This set me back a few bucks. Okay, his name is Matt Foley. Now, he’s been down in the basement drinking coffee for about the last four hours, and he should be all ready to go. I’ll call him up. [ opens the basement door ] Matt, we’re ready for you! [ turns to the kids ] His speech is called “Go For It!” Now, he’s used to big groups, so make him feel like there’s a crowd here. [ calls down the basement again ] Matt! Come on up, buddy!
Matt Foley: [ runs up the stairs, bouncing back and forth as he talks ] Alright, how’s everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Speaker! Now, let’s get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, “Now, I’m gonna go out, and I’m gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!” Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you’re not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!” You’re gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river! Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Brian: [ nervous ] I.. actually, Matt.. I kinda wanna be a writer..
Matt Foley: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin’-da! We’ve got ourselves a writer here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Dad, I can’t see real good.. [ lifts his glasses off and on his face ] ..is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Dad: Well, actually, Matt.. Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.
Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder.. Brian, from what I’ve heard, you’re using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You’re gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you’re living in a van down by the river! [ turns to Stacy ] Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?!
Stacy: [ sarcastic ] I want to live in a van down by the river.
Matt Foley: Well, you’ll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you’re.. [ tries to be clever ] ..living in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, “Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!” Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, ’cause I’m gonna bunk with you, buddy! We’re gonna be buddies! We’re gonna be pals! [ picks Brian up ] We’re gonna wrassle around! [ puts Brian down ] Ol’ Matt’s gonna be your shadow! [ motions] Here’s Matt, here’s you! There’s Matt, there’s you! [ trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor ] Whoops-a-daisy! [ stands up ] We’re gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I’m gonna go get my gear! [ heads for the door ]
Brian: [ runs after Matt ] Wait, Matt! You don’t have to go!
Stacy: [ runs behind Brian ] Yeah, you don’t have to do that! We’ll never smoke pot again!
Dad: Uh, Matt, thanks for all you’ve done!
Matt Foley: I don’t give a rat’s behind, ’cause I’m moving in! I’m sick and tired of living in a van down by the river!
[ as Matt steps outside to grab his gear, Dad quickly locks the front door ]
Dad: [ frightened ] Is the back door locked?
Mom: [ petrified ] Yes!
Stacy: We love you, Dad!
Dad: I love you, too!
[ fade out on family group hug ]
Which keys on the keyboard i pressed while writing this