♡ 24th May, 2025: 1. Ever since my violin teacher introduced the concept of discipline to me in primary five, I have desperately chased after it. Whenever I feel the tip of its coattails, discipline picks up its speed. Or is it I, who slows down, now comfortable and working not as hard? It is frustrating to be trapped in the sweet stickiness of sluggishness all the time. I always feel as though I need a master. To paraphrase from one of my favourite novels: As long as I am both master and apprentice, I will forever be caught in the web of my own inexperience. But discipline is not about experience is it? Isn't it about determination? 2. Having a crush on someone will have you more insecure than ever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ♡ 12th February, 2025: I really enjoy trying out new recipes, even when I fail at them. I do feel like I do not try out enough African recipes and it's silly when I have better access to the ingredients for these than others. Anyways, I made coconut shrimp pasta and I am so amazed at how much I love it. I have leftovers and will finish it on the couch, watching the last episode of my current K-drama. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ♡ 18th December, 2024: Repeating to myself that nothing sustainable can be born from hate, shame and negativity so that I can stop trying to insult myself into living a better life. Also, so that I may stop coming here only when I am angry. Embroidery is so fun to learn and really nice to do but I do it so obsessively, there may be a chance for me to develop carpal tunnel. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ♡ 29th November, 2024: How can one person make me feel so distressed and like a tyrant within my own home? And during all this, I feel tested because I must extend sympathy to their situation but at the cost of my comfort and calm? I suppose relationships, be it familial, platonic or romantic require sacrifice but I am slowly going crazier as the days go by. I want to become stronger to help them, but I feel like I need a bit of a break. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ♡ 15th November, 2024: It is so hard trying to manage my feelings about this break up, there are so many negative and positive feelings directed towards this person I can’t help but feel so confused. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ♡ 28th September, 2024: I feel as though my friends do not know how to want to see me. They have forgotten how to desire my presence, they have forgotten how to love me, I think. When they did visit me, it was clearly an apology for meeting up without telling me, after I had asked to beforehand. When plans with them fall through, there is no move to reschedule. The plans just fall and disappear into thin air. I don't know if it was always like this and I am only just realising. I am no longer saving for the cardigan because the country has become so expensive and I cannot afford to save. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ♡ 20th August, 2024: I have begun saving up to commission a cardigan from a beloved friend. I am rather bad with money, so I have found it very difficult to save in the past, but I am rather determined to achieve my goal. It also helps me know if I really want a cardigan, or if I would like something else or nothing at all. I will also take the time to design a cardigan of my dreams, this is very exciting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [08-07-2024]... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [22-06-24]the long break has not been so bad so far, and it seems as though i may be largely consistent with my goals this time. eating healthier is much easier than i imagined it would be, i love walking, i take my time with reading and coding has been going well. i would prefer it if it did not take me so long to actually do the things i want to do, that i would procrastinate less, but old habits die hard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my mind on 26th May, 2024: for some reason, i have become so apathetic and so ravenous. i wonder when this phase will end, i would like to be in love with my bf once more. i should be studying, or practicing html. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------