ash @contristo

everyday i must foster the person i wish to become... what a difficult but rewarding journey that will be! ᯓ★ say what's up: yourworldoftext.com/~contristo ᯓ★ 7.30.25 Running off of inertia but only in circles, so my feet start to hurt and the ground is being worn out below me. The child that still lives inside me gets me in trouble singing and giggling and disappearing and exploring. Men will push you deep into the ground to have an excuse to pick you up, tight fingers under the armpits - the child that still lives inside of me gets in trouble thrashing and screaming and clawing and crying. 7.22.25 Taking my own hand, recognizing I am not good at practice. Cutting through the thick vines of hedonism. Picking up two items and deciding what's for dinner tonight. Falling into silent moments and getting stuck in quicksand. White knuckling. Bursting at the seams. What makes this street different from a road 300 miles east. Why must I memorize every detail that makes up a grocery store. I've driven this curve countless times. 7.11.25 It is hard to feel exhausted so often. I am aware of what would heal me (waking up to the birds, sitting by a body of moving water - preferably lake michigan, seeing plants dance in the wind, creating, learning, listening, dancing) yet it is all so out of reach in this inconsiderate hellscape of [america?] [capitalism?] [my job?] [any job?] [my brain?] 6.30.25 If I could reach down my throat and remove this feeling from my stomach I would. But it has deep overlapping roots, a whole underground system at this point. I am unable to compartmentalize the sprawl of love I am forced to notice. I am unable to not relish in the most familiar feeling. Incredibly stunted but so largely felt. I like the solitude of its lack of relatability. I like the story it tells, even if it never exists outside of me.
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things i have learned working for lawyers for 7 years

  • you don't realize how crucial it is to see the sun everyday
  • everyone needs to stand up and stretch every hour
  • some people find purpose in being stressed (i am not that person)
  • change in a degrading, corrupted system is difficult but not always impossible
  • greed is a disease
  • the ego is powerful and cringe
  • rich ppl can be really weird and scary lol

like to smell

  • tomato leaf
  • peach
  • fig
  • fir
  • myrrh
  • gardenia
  • jasmine
  • soil
  • sandalwood
  • saffron
  • rain

what to take instead of adderall

  • coq10
  • rhodiola
  • b12
  • b6 (not too much)
  • l-theanine
  • 20 cups of black tea

saw on my drive up north

  • barn with a giant painted sunflower
  • tall tree in the middle of a flat farm field
  • road cutting two plateaus
  • big ol birds
  • big ol moths
  • various lakes
  • vineyards and orchards
  • medium height corn
  • cheapest cigarettes in town

i am procrastinating

  • donating clothes
  • making decants for fedex guy [done]
  • organizing basement
  • throwing away dead plants
  • cleaning window sills
  • hanging frames from old house
  • selling old car
  • giving shirt [done]
  • room laundry [done] [thx to felix]
  • grad school apps need letters of rec

drinking

  • coconut water americano
  • new zealand wine
  • leelanau wine
  • poetson wine
  • beet juice
  • cold brew w sparkling water
  • peppermint tea
  • casamara club alta