************************ * * * hello, dearest * * ** * *** * * * *** * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * ************************ 10.27.25 research (one day of trying it) suggests that my life is significantly better when i limit phone time. especially in the morning. but i miss my friends in my phone :( 10.25.25 i feel like my last hurdle into becoming an emotionally regulated human being is going to be managing how to feel lonely while simultaneously being averse to social outings. i am so full of knowledge from being in a learning environment and gearing up for The Real Work, and i keep telling myself that my life will be better once i get settled, but i can't even find joy in my guilty pleasures anymore. i'm so tired. i'm tired of the rest of my life being on hold while i learn how to work again. i hate this cycle of telling myself i'll go back to having friends and enjoying things once the rest of my life calms down. there's a new pokemon game out and i have barely touched it, not for lack of time to play, but for lack of... idk, energy to enjoy things. i know this is depression 101 but there has to be more to it than resting, honoring my emotions, eating and staying well groomed and going to work, right? where's the part where i start living? i want to be like those women in tampon commercials. when do i get to smile and laugh on the dance floor in slow motion with my 3-6 best friends? the last few times i did any of that, i dreaded it and was exhausted afterward and had to pay spoons for bothering to have a social life. this isn't how people are supposed to live, right? i know it's corny, but now that i'm actively trying to separate my work from my life, i don't know who dearest darling is anymore. what do i like? what do i look like? how do i act? i feel so lost. 10.03.25 i always leave jobs around this time of year, right before or right after my birthday, in either one, two, or three years. i don’t really understand the math behind it (other than the looming dread of not wanting to suffer through another holiday season with that team). a person can change a lot in one, two, or three years. it’s enough time to develop tools you need to prepare you for your next career move imo. my birthday has always been like a personal new year’s day where i reflect on how i’ve grown, who i was, who i am, who i want to be, etc. 29 i think will be all about getting the routine parts of my life taken care of so that i don’t have to be so absent and overwhelmed all the time. i’d like to stop prioritizing bringing my best self to work and letting my personal relationships simmer and reduce until i feel obligated to extend myself or i’ll lose someone. that being said, aren’t workplace friendships so beautifully ephemeral? i’m starting to find the poetry in being in someone’s life like that and then just exiting the narrative when you change jobs. i think it’s good to cry and say sentimental goodbyes, but i don’t plan on making any empty promises to stay connected this time. i know it sounds cold, but how many of your old coworkers do you really miss? there are a few i want to stay close to, but not everybody. when the only thing you had in common was your work, there’s no reason to force a round peg into a square hole or whatever. thank you for the time you gave me. you don’t have to give me any more than that. 9.30.25 i forgot to pay my partner for rent again. i’m about to leave an industry i’ve been in for 8 years… and yet all i can think about is baldur’s gate 3?