************************ * * * hello, dearest * * ** * *** * * * *** * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * ************************ 3.14.26 (happy pi day?) i started writing here (and promptly forgot about it) so i could re-condition myself to just make things to make things, rather than sending a post out into the water and hoping someone takes a bite. it was super fun to see some comments on my ywot from last year though :) hate to be like ‘dear internet, my mental health is bad’ but… my mental health IS bad! so bad. probably the worst it’s been in over a decade. things are better now after many breakthroughs, but it was scary for a little bit. i have a shiny new diagnosis and a bunch of consent forms signed, so hopefully things will change soon. every step of this process has sort of failed me and i kinda forgot that it’s okay to advocate for myself, which is an epic slay btw. telling your doctor no kinda feels like when you get to the top of the stairs and realize your legs carried you up there faster than they could. getting better is very lonely work though. i already have a really hard time keeping up with my friends, and distancing myself to try and not be so dependent on positive feedback has made it worse, but i’m hoping to re-introduce myself into my own social life soon enough. i’ve been writing some letters with no intention of sending them, but now that the clarity is starting to cut through the depressive fog, i’m realizing there were a ton of things i maybe should have communicated, and perhaps—gasp—passively allowing your needs to go unmet and letting resentment build up in your heart like a plaque is not good? but, god, how can anyone be willing to admit that they have needs? who wants to say anything about needing anyone? my cuspie millennial irony tendencies and my gen z fear of vulnerability are holding hands right now as they stir the pot together. but perhaps writing a google doc about things left unsaid shouldn’t make you sob for hours. couldn’t be me. i feel like i do need to release a little bit of it into the ether to dissuade my trigger finger that desperately wants to just send all of them, so here’s a piece of it that has made me cry pretty much every time i read it: “it felt like we were playing the role of two best friends on tv sometimes, but we didn't actually talk to each other much in private. i didn't know a whole lot about you, and i collected information over the years like it was a precious treasure, because it was all i had. whenever i was worried we were drifting apart, and i would read all of the nice things you said about me—in public, not directed at me in any way. most of the time [things] like this felt like they were not directed at me on purpose, like you were telling a third friend about me, but it was always supposed to be there for me to find. it was kind of a weird feeling, seeing something as coveted and personal as your view of me in hidden in plain sight, and for so long it was the only way i could see any insight into how you felt about me.” 10.27.25 research (one day of trying it) suggests that my life is significantly better when i limit phone time. especially in the morning. but i miss my friends in my phone :( 10.25.25 i feel like my last hurdle into becoming an emotionally regulated human being is going to be managing how to feel lonely while simultaneously being averse to social outings. i am so full of knowledge from being in a learning environment and gearing up for The Real Work, and i keep telling myself that my life will be better once i get settled, but i can't even find joy in my guilty pleasures anymore. i'm so tired. i'm tired of the rest of my life being on hold while i learn how to work again. i hate this cycle of telling myself i'll go back to having friends and enjoying things once the rest of my life calms down. there's a new pokemon game out and i have barely touched it, not for lack of time to play, but for lack of... idk, energy to enjoy things. i know this is depression 101 but there has to be more to it than resting, honoring my emotions, eating and staying well groomed and going to work, right? where's the part where i start living? i want to be like those women in tampon commercials. when do i get to smile and laugh on the dance floor in slow motion with my 3-6 best friends? the last few times i did any of that, i dreaded it and was exhausted afterward and had to pay spoons for bothering to have a social life. this isn't how people are supposed to live, right? i know it's corny, but now that i'm actively trying to separate my work from my life, i don't know who dearest darling is anymore. what do i like? what do i look like? how do i act? i feel so lost. 10.03.25 i always leave jobs around this time of year, right before or right after my birthday, in either one, two, or three years. i don’t really understand the math behind it (other than the looming dread of not wanting to suffer through another holiday season with that team). a person can change a lot in one, two, or three years. it’s enough time to develop tools you need to prepare you for your next career move imo. my birthday has always been like a personal new year’s day where i reflect on how i’ve grown, who i was, who i am, who i want to be, etc. 29 i think will be all about getting the routine parts of my life taken care of so that i don’t have to be so absent and overwhelmed all the time. i’d like to stop prioritizing bringing my best self to work and letting my personal relationships simmer and reduce until i feel obligated to extend myself or i’ll lose someone. that being said, aren’t workplace friendships so beautifully ephemeral? i’m starting to find the poetry in being in someone’s life like that and then just exiting the narrative when you change jobs. i think it’s good to cry and say sentimental goodbyes, but i don’t plan on making any empty promises to stay connected this time. i know it sounds cold, but how many of your old coworkers do you really miss? there are a few i want to stay close to, but not everybody. when the only thing you had in common was your work, there’s no reason to force a round peg into a square hole or whatever. thank you for the time you gave me. you don’t have to give me any more than that. 9.30.25 i forgot to pay my partner for rent again. i’m about to leave an industry i’ve been in for 8 years… and yet all i can think about is baldur’s gate 3?