I’ve been thinking recently about that saying "you are the sum of the 5 people close to you". That sentiment always tends to worry me a little, I guess I’d like to deny it, I don’t like to blame people when I feel negative about myself after spending time with them. I guess I blame myself instead which isn’t so healthy either. If I didn’t care so much about my physical appearance then slights to it wouldn’t trigger me as much as they do. It is my fault I coldened towards my younger brother when he called me ugly. My fault I fault I coldened towards my friend when she said she takes comfort in the fact none of her friends are conventionally attractive, including me, she’s said that twice. I challenged her the first time, as she was referring to bodies, I asked what’s wrong with mine, what’s wrong with my body, I didn’t ask as to challenge her moreso out of curiosity, a kind of morbid curiosity, the same that lent me to send my face to strangers when I was 15 and ask them to rate, to post my face on online forums more recently, what’s wrong with it, what’s wrong with it, how can I fix it. But that is my shadow side I never ask my friends to evaluate me in that way, I suppose it out of fear, fear that I can’t control the light or angle they see my face in and therefore will give me the honest answer, the answer I don’t want. I’ve never worried so much about my body, I’ve always been quite thin and known I was quite thin. The fact I can’t change the size of my breasts doesn’t bother me so much as the fact I can’t change the shape of my nose. I don’t know why. Anyway back to when she told me I wasn’t conventionally attractive, we were in a coffee shop, she said it’s because I don’t have the stereotypical conventional ‘big butt’ ‘big boobs’ ‘athletic hourglass’ I say ok. I don’t tell her but I still think my body is attractive, I might go as far as to say even conventionally. She said it again maybe a month later, the morning after her birthday party, looking at photos of herself. I will never say a negative thing about her, nor myself for that matter. I don’t think it helps anyone. I tell her she looks beautiful, the photos are gorgeous and again she puts her phone down, sighs with an ‘I don’t know’ and says again she takes comfort in the fact no one in her friend group is conventionally attractive, I call her out on this, as it wasn’t just us our mutual friend was there too, our mutual friend who has been hospitalised for an eating disorder and as she had just told us both that we have ‘conventionally attractive’ bodies so we don’t understand. I remind her gently she just said the opposite and directly to my face, directly to my face, she says to no I meant facially. "No I meant facially" it stings like a knife. Not the first time I’ve been inadvertently called ugly. And I can’t help it I shut down, I go quiet, I do not say much else to her for the rest of the day. I disagree with her on the behalf of her other friends, I don’t want to single people out as "conventionally" or "unconventionally" attractive, I think that it’s cruel and unnecessary. It sounds vain and callous to say but her insecurity hurts me, as someone who is not secure themselves. This is the way in which I disagree with "you are the sum of the 5 people closest to you". Because despite this incident, I forgive her and love her, I call her and talk for at least an hour at least once a week, she is the friend I call when I am walking home alone at night. But I believe she is someone who lets her insecurity hurt others and this is something I try so hard to not do, that is not a trait I want to let become a part of me. Despite it all I try to love myself, my body and my face, I will never call myself ‘unconventional’ because that is societies judgement to make not mine. I will only ever judge myself as beautiful and refer to others in that way too, if I can’t see the beauty in someone, that’s on me for not looking properly, not on any intrinsic property in them. And maybe this is too rose tinted but I don’t mind that.