6/4 i am surrounding myself with kind and earnest people. i feel wanted , the best of me (the palatable parts)feel seen. i am exploring whimsy, creation for the sake of sensation, noise. i want to love for the right reasons. i don't know if i trust the people who see me as good. no. i do trust them. (maybe more than i trust myself) a girl i admire talks about poison. i feel like ive been slurping it up for years, sugar to make it go down easy. i use drugs, food, people as escapism. the idea of the thing more good than the thing itself. i want to be present in my own life. i know sensation and connection are life, not an escape from it. I want to hold experiences close to my chest but i feel like i am performing them, if not in the moment, then after the fact, as proof. i am here, i have lived. i want more of what i do to be doing. i self soothe by picking at my skin. i have for years. time slips away. this feels like another type of poison. not to mention the scrolling. i am wary of the idea that i think the good people i surround myself with are better than me, as a point of shame. i want them to inspire me to do and be better. i want to experience wonder with them for wonders sake. transcendent experience feels inaccessible alone but i don't want my friends to be a blunt instrument towards transcendence. i don't think it works like that anyways. i want i want i want- i am grateful to know kind and earnest people, to experience wonder, to create. i am finding a place for myself in myself & in my community.