2501152133 - A lady with a dog hiking the opposite way smiled and happily said hello, the dog's eyes were gentle and warm brown. - My older classmate smiled and laughed pleasantly as we took photos of the scenery. He really reminds me of someone. Maybe dr sturgis from young Sheldon - The friend of my friend smiled as she greeted us and complimented our outfits and talked with us while waiting for the train, bringing me into the conversation so naturally and nicely. - The smile of my friend who asked me how my life is going and tells me about her own life and we talk about how it seems good people are rare to come by. Although it seems you've had a difficult past, you still try to make us smile. An old friend once told me my kindness does not go unnoticed. I would pass those words on to you. - A panic built up all day again, even if i remember all of these smiles, my heart just keep on feeling like breaking, and i can only let out a sob while the tears are stuck and feel quite suffocating , and tomorrow keeps on arriving again and again, day after day, i have to be in the noise all over again, and im back to thinking 'i want to go home' even as I'm already at home. 2501142353 - i keep on overdoing it, so my head hurts again, my eyes, my heart, my neck, my legs, fatigue that only catches up by the time it's too late. And the empty sadness returns too. And i feel exhausted of voices, thoughts other than my own sounding around all day long, still ringing in my head. Everything is so loud. And everything keeps requiring a response. And everything is really sad. - On my planet, life is mostly silent. you can hear the sound of rain and a song and the rustling of leaves. only a voice if you want to, only from those who were invited. Also bells and windchimes and clocks. And the quiet of snowfall, sometimes the stars will ring out too. the wind is comforting too. - Thank you for believing me, and for believing in me, and for being angry or happy for me, and for dreaming together with me. I really want to see our takoyaki and flowers dream come true someday! 2501120107 In the first week of january, - being hours away from home there were moments when i thought, i want to go home. Then i came to a realization, i didn't think that this time because there is no where in this world that is very comfortable, but because finally i have a place that is comfortable. it's the first time i've made somewhere feel like home, there's finally a living space that i will feel like i miss it when i'm far away, and i look forward to when i can return to that space on my own, it's a space of my own and when i come home i'm back to being all alone surrounded by my favorite things, and i'm so happy like this. - I became annoyed with myself for being annoyed at things that require my emotional response. And became doubtful and exhausted of seeing the good in everyone. And a deep sadness about people, where i can only cry for a bit at a delayed time. and have neglected to take medication regularly again, so my heart couldn't calm down, and my mind was foggier, the words of my book and the sounds of my music have been all blurred, sentences aren't forming or processing properly. In the second week of january, - i like my bedroom more than ever, it's a perfect temperature and the futon and blankets are fluffy and warm. I like to use my kitchen now. One night i made onigiri enough for 2 or 3 days. But i still get coffee or lunch with friends. Actually, i'm not sure i care for coffee very much, and i'm never comfortable eating out. but i like spending time with my friends, so i get coffee and lunch, and now it's a little less scary than before. i ran into an old classmate working at the sandwich place. He was nice and professional, and i thought again how nice people always make you feel a little better, even when you're simply getting a sandwich and coffee from them. The only things i remembered about this classmate was his curly hair and that he seemed nice, it made me smile to see that those haven't changed about this person i barely know. - I cried for those who have lost their homes or lives in the fires. - i felt like crying because of the responses so far for my design project, how thoughtful and gentle they sound, how one thanked me for giving them the self compassion they needed today. - Fall in and out of sleep to my latest favorite piano song playing for hours. While eating sweet potato and chicken i thought how dishes and laundry still pile up and i can't clean a lot or eat enough or do anything much at all most days, but how i'm still managing to cook rice and soup and read and drink tea and buy flowers and take walks other days. so i'm not sad about that. Lately there are new things that make me want to cry and i can't cry. There are always too many heartbreaking things. But now my home isnt one of them. - _ said she is proud of me, that i can navigate complexity with such grace, and that she loves how she can always feel the warmth in my words, that it's because I'm a lovely person who is easy to love, she said to me thank you for being always gentle. I felt indescribably tearful when i think how fortunate to have a friend who say that about you and you know they mean it from their heart, you dont lose a part of yourself but instead find and remember a part of yourself in their words or action, no strings imagined or perceived to be attached . I thought a piano song about the wind really suits _ who is always honest and remind me of a soft kind of joy, a care that doesn't overwhelm. And that, like _'s favorite song says, such a heartfelt light doesn't fade. The kind of people whose sincerity and loveliness are consistent, full of light, worth being gentle for, are truly a privilege to know and be in the lives of. 2501092044 自分の、頭の中にだけ、あるもの ずっとずっと、あったもの ずっとずっと、ありつづけるもの。 2412241436 たまごやき さつまいも みそしる かぼちゃ うどん the sound and steam from the boiling pot, fluffy warm rice and soup and side dishes in the bowls and plates i like. My future is only mine to live, my world is only mine to live in, my life is only mine to navigate, i only feel what i want to feel and how i want to feel.