9.9.25 https://youtu.be/N363UWyXHa0 i am working in a design and communications role, and waiting to start another job as a software automation tester. i hope the former becomes full-time soon, as i admire my co-workers and enjoy what i do. it would also afford me the mix of structure and freedom i'm craving. i have very little direction in life, and even less regarding career. i only know the things i am good at, the things i enjoy doing, and the kind of people i want to work with. recently i have identified concerning, repeating patterns in my life. these feed my self-doubt and often impede my progress in most areas of study, self-improvement, and creative expression. it manifests as anxiety and unwarranted guilt, and often causes me to act in ways that highlight insecurities: an underlying desire to be accepted, and to seek validation from obscure sources. i have always been a very anxious and self-conscious person and often operate at one of two extremes: manic and high-strung, or in a dissociated burnt-out recovery fugue. it has been a difficult task, but i am slowly learning how to be more present. barring unforeseen circumstances, i am volunteering to clean at a local buddhist temple next week.