19/3/24 I need to stop medicating with alcohol. 19/3/24 I am, not scared but also very scared of crying Letting go Real actual crying I have not when pets died I have not since my wife died It is related to my last entry I write this because tonight is the last Hairy Bikers episode Dave Myers died soon after I've listened to the Grace Dent Comfort Food podcast some three times in total I know I'll find the TV episode very upsetting and I know my head will want to cry, yet my head will also stop me crying I wonder how different I would be if I could really properly let it all out ============= 18/3/24 Years ago: sometime toward the end of lockdown I was exhausted by VIVID dreams I had to get from A>B with a letter I could never get to B and the letter grew to a huge heavy case #grief I have #bpd so the #nhs in my county exclude me from EVERY non-physical care Even #crisis I paid for some private #counselling She asked me what my earlist memory was I replied with something ~11 yrs She remarked that was odd, most people have earlier After the session, on the way home James O'Brien on #lbc did a chat about boarding school and #abuse I did not go to #boardingschool I was in a #catholic school With an attached Priest Catechism Confession - Do I need to draw a picture? If I did I could be arrested. - please search 'Tim Minchin Pope Song' Somewhere deep in my head Not going there But I know it's there It . Save anyone - shoot a Catholic 18/3/24 One of my fav tracks. Sunscreen. Luhrmann. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI 18/3/24 Oh. I should use this. 10/4/23 What to do and where to do it?