魂在前面飞，人在后面追 我嘴粘着杯，喝着香咖啡 --- [29 Dec 2024] it doesn't snow where i live, quite the contrary in fact -- we'd start sweating the moment we step outside. god forbid you don a silly xmas sweater or you'll be drowning in your own fluids. it's humid as hell out here, but that doesn't stop us from basking in the festive mood, flocking to the city centre to gaze at xmas lights hung from our tropical climate trees. i love xmas!!! as the days draw closer to the end of the year, saint nicholas possesses me and i feel a lot more joyful and jolly. my xmas was well spent with my gay best friend, where we did some exposure therapy christmas carolling in the crowd. (we were a public nuisance) --- [15 Dec 2024] my days have been nothing but a blur. i work with people, talk to people, eat with people, sleep with people, and wake up to repeat the same sickening cycle again. it seems like i don't feel real anymore. the vampire just told me that he's seeing someone now and it's getting serious. how am i supposed to take this? it just reaffirms that i'm just a body to use. i have serious feelings for another person. but i'm terrified of rejection. and i just got mildly rejected by someone i don't have real feelings for, and it's already gotten me feeling sad. i can't imagine what'll happen. somehow, i feel liberated; i can finally seek comfort in the things i used to love doing, which i neglected because i was instead seeking comfort in the arms of others. --- [3 Dec 2024] working on campus tomorrow for a huge ass conference... i can't imagine what it's like to be surrounded by such published scholars :( these are faces behind the names i've been citing in my papers for the last 3.5 years. i just feel so inadequate compared to these superhumans. how the fuck are yall so passionate and intelligent and well-read?! do yall not wanna just sleep in until 2pm, make a cute breakfast, go out with friends, take cute photos, collect trinkets, have delicious drinks?! am i immature or stupid for just wanting to live a simple, happy life? is life ever that serious?! don't get me wrong, i adore linguistics -- it's my major after all. but why do i feel like i have to excel in it in order to fulfil the love i have for it? i don't know anymore... i truly hope people are kind to me tomorrow. --- [25 Nov 2024] i've been sleeping at the most ungodly hours as of late... i went to bed at 5am this morning because i was up doing my essay. what's this essay on? the english word "do". i was doing an essay on the word do. sounds kinda ridiculous but i do find it interesting!! i just hope i get hired when i graduate lol --- [23 Nov 2024] lord give me the strength to survive yet another social event tomorrow evening!! i keep going out these days and each friend i meet burns a hole in my wallet. by tomorrow i think there'll only be a thread left from the charred pile... i used to enjoy being alone in my room and reading, writing, creating stuff, but it seems these days i crave for social interaction a little too much. humans are stupid as hell lmao. we're social creatures aren't we? we want to be left alone, yet we don't want to be lonely. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!!!!!! --- [22 Nov 2024] an unquenchable thirst, an insatiable hunger i feel a hole in my being and i'm caved in, filling the void, caving in to the carve. each bite i take, you take one of me too hollowing out my insides, digging, excavating clenching, relaxing, coming to my senses the realisation that i am a spiral. --- [19 Nov 2024] "tenses situate events relative to their closeness or their distance from the speaker. rules of grammar give the empty space of human speech some shape." - chris kaus --- [18 Nov 2024] a vampire visits me every weekend. he doesn't suck blood from my neck, no, but just enough for my skin to flush a tinge of blue. he begs for me to touch him, to embrace him, and i oblige; i beg for him to do the same, and he obliges too. he whispers sweet-loving words into my ears then he disappears from my arms before the morning sun comes. sometimes i don't even know if he is real, but his scent and warmth still lingers from between my sheets; maybe he isn't real but i can still feel my fingers running through his dark curls; i think he is not real, i think he is a ghost because i only see him in the dead of night. i dance with the vampire every weekend. --- [10 Nov 2024] ”说话要算话“ --- [5 Nov 2024] during the hungry ghost festival where we burn paper money effigies offering to beings that aren't here it's the beginning of november still my eyes sting from smoke still i burn even if you aren't here --- [4 Nov 2024] our wills and fates do so contrary run. --- [3 Nov 2024] every second every minute hour and day it slips through my fingers like fine gold sand in a desert storm i can't see your face in my mind's eye ---