*:･ﾟ✧ an idea is a beautiful and adequate creative medium *:･ﾟ✧ 5.5.2025 writing makes me realize that my thoughts are not real. can the mind be quiet? i think there are better questions to ask. creating fills the emptiness. consuming creates emptiness to fill. must i empty myself to create? i am depleted. 5.5.2025 i had trouble sleeping last night. pain and discomfort from the infusion is getting worse. my pulse was 100 just laying down, soft belly breathing. my lover came over and rubbed my back. my poor heart. it's been almost two months since my medical leave ended. what is more shocking than how much my nervous system healed without work, is how quickly it degraded upon return, despite the transformative spiritual healing i went through. what is more difficult than reclaiming my attention is continuing to protect it from harvest. the non-linearity of it all is.. striking. moving homes is one of the most beautiful and literal physical manifestations of the flowing river. resisting the ever-changing nature of life, the one constant we can plainly observe, is debilitating. that is, saying goodbye to a home that holds years of your life. but the loss, keeps flowing further and further, and the new home arrives perfectly in its place. ebb, flow. that is the truth that we observe. i wish to let more than my home flow down the river. the survival, the lack of vision, the convenience, the consumption, the rushing, the battles. today i hate you and i can't wait to see you go. let me choke so i can breathe. 5.4.2025 i think the last 3 days since my infusion have been the most fatigued i've ever felt in my life. i feel like i could sleep at any given moment, even lifting my arms fills me with dread and weakness. thinking feels draining. trying to let moments like these motivate me in my transition to traditional Chinese medicine and caring for my health holistically. the coming months are already filled with hosting and traveling and moving. there is something so grounding about reuniting with long distance friends, a souvenir of a time before life took us in different directions. there are pieces of me thriving all over the world. how lucky am i. 4.30.2025 i had a blueberry latte this morning that tasted like summer. knowing that my days in this apartment are dwindling makes me extra grateful for the little things i love about this space. so quiet, so peaceful, despite being in the busiest part of the city. living on the same floor that my grandmother once did in hong kong. seeing the water, the evergreens, the birds flying at eye level. feeling so small, just one of the hundreds of glass panes covering this building. i will never forget that this is all i need. my back hurts and i don't have any meetings today. 4.29.2025 thinking of my dear friend ivanna, who keeps me in great company from 3000 miles away. reading their small life updates feels like art to me. a gift perhaps. a friend that reminds me that life is full of undiscovered gems, by simply existing.