*:･ﾟ✧ an idea is a beautiful and adequate creative medium *:･ﾟ✧ 5.12.2025 i'm mostly finished packing, just some random things left. still trying to stuff things where they fit and close up boxes. i shipped out a bunch of clothes i sold today, have a few more meetups to sell other items. i guess the days of my livable and decorated apartment are already over. eckhart tolle's talk was absolutely incredible. it became apparent to me that being in a state of spiritual enlightenment requires some active maintenance. i am looking forward to rebuilding my habits in a way that put presence first. letting go of so many items has already helped with this. my job right now is to make sure i am only bringing the items i need to my new space. i hold on to so many things for some fathomable future need, something that lives only in my head. but the space it occupies is here in the present. 5.9.2025 i'm starting to pack today and go through all my things, i feel very excited about it. i started a capsule wardrobe project a while ago and looking forward to getting back into it, i made a framework that i'm excited to try out and hopefully will have some writing or a video to explain it all. i was stuck on a silly bug at work for the past two days but finally figured it out. the dopamine hit from coding feels so good, i love being stuck. i'm going to really miss living by the waterfront market. i went to my favorite deli this morning. i had a date night last night and went through some of the met gala looks, i loved the theme this year. my favorite looks were dynasty ogun and lauryn hill. (my lover's favorite was andre 3000) tomorrow, i'm seeing eckhart tolle speak. i'm so excited, his book really changed my life. i've felt a sense of peace since i finished reading it in the dr, and i can't believe i will be in the same room as him, feeling all of that energy. my ego has been more active since returning to work and using my smartphone again and i am hoping to feel more inspired after his talk. 5.5.2025 writing makes me realize that my thoughts are not real. can the mind be quiet? i think there are better questions to ask. creating fills the emptiness. consuming creates emptiness to fill. must i empty myself to create? i am depleted. 5.5.2025 i had trouble sleeping last night. pain and discomfort from the infusion is getting worse. my pulse was 100 just laying down, soft belly breathing. my lover came over and rubbed my back. my poor heart. it's been almost two months since my medical leave ended. what is more shocking than how much my nervous system healed without work, is how quickly it degraded upon return, despite the transformative spiritual healing i went through. what is more difficult than reclaiming my attention is continuing to protect it from harvest. the non-linearity of it all is.. striking. moving homes is one of the most beautiful and literal physical manifestations of the flowing river. resisting the ever-changing nature of life, the one constant we can plainly observe, is debilitating. that is, saying goodbye to a home that holds years of your life. but the loss, keeps flowing further and further, and the new home arrives perfectly in its place. ebb, flow. that is the truth that we observe. i wish to let more than my home flow down the river. the survival, the lack of vision, the convenience, the consumption, the rushing, the battles. today i hate you and i can't wait to see you go. let me choke so i can breathe. 5.4.2025 i think the last 3 days since my infusion have been the most fatigued i've ever felt in my life. i feel like i could sleep at any given moment, even lifting my arms fills me with dread and weakness. thinking feels draining. trying to let moments like these motivate me in my transition to traditional Chinese medicine and caring for my health holistically. the coming months are already filled with hosting and traveling and moving. there is something so grounding about reuniting with long distance friends, a souvenir of a time before life took us in different directions. there are pieces of me thriving all over the world. how lucky am i. 4.30.2025 i had a blueberry latte this morning that tasted like summer. knowing that my days in this apartment are dwindling makes me extra grateful for the little things i love about this space. so quiet, so peaceful, despite being in the busiest part of the city. living on the same floor that my grandmother once did in hong kong. seeing the water, the evergreens, the birds flying at eye level. feeling so small, just one of the hundreds of glass panes covering this building. i will never forget that this is all i need. my back hurts and i don't have any meetings today. 4.29.2025 thinking of my dear friend ivanna, who keeps me in great company from 3000 miles away. reading their small life updates feels like art to me. a gift perhaps. a friend that reminds me that life is full of undiscovered gems, by simply existing.