+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+ + email: ohofnpc@gmail.com + +=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+ 10/28/24 - Rice The roommate situation just keeps feeling more and more out of control, even the less involved I am. I am just super worn down having my roommates consistently vent to me about how much they hate my other roommate. It was kind of funny at first, but tonight, one of them felt so enraged by the fact his rice got eaten by the other roommate, he threw a shouting tantrum, raising his voice, and eventually punching the fridge. He wasn't directly mad at me, but was his intensity was likely elevated by his belief that I wasn't taking his anger seriously. Over rice. But it's not about the rice, it was never about the rice. The rice is just the vehicle by which the roommate from hell channels his frustrations about he feels overworked and under-appreciated. The sentiment echo'ed by the victim of this gastronomical theft tonight. It's a terrible stalemate, and since they can't directly channel their frustrations at each other and try to be reasonable, I feel burdened by it all. Like a child of divorced parents, I know that I am loved very much, but it still hurts to be in a household of passive aggressive freaks that cannot directly speak of their grievances on the assumption that they both cannot change their behaviors. The devil roommate might be rude, and condescending, and inconsiderate of people's time, space, and property, but why must my other roommates just deal with his toxic behaviors just because they think he can't change. I know and accept he won't change his quirks and rude behaviors, because he can be really condescending. But the truth is, like many toxic people, they are truly unaware of the damages and murders that they cause. If they can't call him out on his bullsh**, then the frustrations are going to be taken out on me. And that's going to be taxing. For the first time in a while, I lost my temper. I yelled and screamed and spewed my anger out at the victim of rice theft. It felt good to release my frustrations. But I know it isn't productive. I just wish they could try to talk to each other instead of coming to me. I'm certainly not going to save or please any one of them. It's just a f***ing burden. And it isn't about the rice. So stop making it about the rice. [Update 10/28/24] - The rice was not eaten by the "bad" roommate, but the other roommate. A simple misunderstanding and assumption that would have been easily corrected through simple questioning. This new complicating point allows for many more paragraphs of unceccessary analysis. But in short it just strengthens the point that if my roommates simply had more conversations, and made less scapegoating assumptions, the imbalances and grudges held in this household would be a bit more tolerable. 10/8/24 - Almost passed out today at the health clinic. Got the largest and most painful injection in my life, but I think that I am taking it well. General discomfort is always, always, always better than general illness. Except that extreme pain I experienced last week at that hangout. Had to leave without a proper goodbye, but my goodbyes are always awkward and prolonged anyways. 9/28/24 - Coffee https://ohnpc.neocities.org/writings/9-28-24-coffee 9/24/24 - Unease a general sense of unease has crept in. hesitation is held to describe emotions that i don't fully understand. oversimplifying complex behaviors and habits that i hold, while overcomplicating simple emotions and feelings that aren't entirely unique to my experiences. the internal rhythm beats and drives me forward. but as i stick to the pulse, i feel that i have lost grasp of the music that has guided me through. maybe i need to find more comfort in silence, or maybe i need to seek out a new sound. gray and neon noise has deafened my into disinterest. 9/19/24 - Organs going to see six organs of admittance with some friends today. i went to a record shop years ago and picked out his album because it had a cool drawing of a bird on the cover.