+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+ + email: ohofnpc@gmail.com + +=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+=🀰=+ ================================================= + donate to michael serafini's health recovery: + + https://gofund.me/282f6605 + ================================================= 10/5/24 - Been missing assignments. I forgot to hit "submit" on an in-class assignment twice. I turned in the wrong paper when I already submitted it past the deadline is extremely frustrating. Something that I spent countless hours on that would've gotten a 90% is now going to be marked at a 40%, simply because my mistake went unnoticed for almost a full week. I tell myself not to get too bogged down with the points game. Grades certainly don't define my character, but like these silly things I used to be so on top of are now slipping through. 10/1/24 - Reinvention These past couple days have been fairly tough on me mentally. Not due to immediate circumstance, but anticipatory. As I peer into my possible futures, there are a few facts that I am certain about, but the clean framework that college has structured my life to is going to fall away, and I will have to define my life for my own. My habits, my tendencies, my interests have shifted subtly, but have mostly stayed static on a macro level. But I have adapted to the tastes, patterns, and culture of my peers. I feel an obligation to redefine my identity. Maybe I am just starting to feel too comfortable with the patterns and habits I hold. Or maybe this is just a manifestation of a quarter life crisis (or third of life crisis I would argue). The clothes I wear, the length of my hair, the shoes I walk in... are these all things I am comfortable with? I have always looked in the mirror and been accepting of my physical appearance. But I certainly recognize that personal style is not something I am particularly strong about. I haven't put myself under that great of experiment, but I have certainly let others experiment for me. Partly to get some sense of security and validation, I've let others say how I should place my hair and what kinds of clothes I should buy. But it is certainly because I respect and trust their style. But I still have not taken the risks and actions to act on making those decision for myself. What if start taking those stylistic risks for myself? Cut my hair? Get a small tattoo? I have fantasized a lot this week about reinvention. Completely shaving my head, changing my name, getting a tattoo. I will have to see whether I act on these strange impulses, or continue on the unvaried path for myself while my environment changes around me. 9/28/24 - Coffee https://ohnpc.neocities.org/writings/9-28-24-coffee 9/24/24 - Unease a general sense of unease has crept in. hesitation is held to describe emotions that i don't fully understand. oversimplifying complex behaviors and habits that i hold, while overcomplicating simple emotions and feelings that aren't entirely unique to my experiences. the internal rhythm beats and drives me forward. but as i stick to the pulse, i feel that i have lost grasp of the music that has guided me through. maybe i need to find more comfort in silence, or maybe i need to seek out a new sound. gray and neon noise has deafened my into disinterest. 9/19/24 - Organs going to see six organs of admittance with some friends today. i went to a record shop years ago and picked out his album because it had a cool drawing of a bird on the cover.