pat

portland

_____ _____ __ __ _____ | | | __| | | | | | | | __| |__| |__| | | |__|__|_____|_____|_____|_____| . . . ### ### ###### #### #### #### ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ###### ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## # ## # ## ## ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ### ###### ###### ###### #### __ __ / | / / / / | (___|(___ ( ( ( | | )| | )| )| ) | / |__ |__/ |__/ |__/ o O o.OOoOoo o o .oOOOo. O o O O O .O o. o O o o o O o OoOooOOo ooOO o o o O o O O O O O o O o o O O o O o o O o . o . `o O' o O ooOooOoO OOoOooO OOoOooO `OoooO' # # ## # ## # # # ### ### #### #### #### ### ### #### ### #### # # # # ## ### # ## ## # ## ## # # ## ## ## # ## #### # # ## # ## # ## #### ## # # # # ## # # # # # ## ## #### ## #### ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ### 3/06 one of the best moments of my life: i think i have just turned 18, and have just won a raffle basket with all the different girl scout cookie varieties. for some reason i'm driving around in my mom's new car, in which i was excited to have put this orange-colored air freshener around the rear view mirror. one of the little tree ones. the scent is vaguely tropical (something beach? breeze?), probably toxic. I absolutely remember it. running into that scent again would take me back, of course: driving around that night, so close to home, but just going through places we hadn't been to, only going there by going past there, never stepping out of the car in someplace unfamiliar. wet ground, young spring pavement steaming, passing through the fog. late snow and mist, early dew, whatever coats things before they go away, before they come into focus, as they move out of sight, going farther out, out of view, leaving forever... my heart broke in 3d that spring (from when it began: my birthday, afternoon at the beach) but everything about that time was holographic with adolescence; it didn't matter, not then. it wouldn't, not for a few months. only a hint of depression. i try to trace thread, to find the trajectory, where was i supposed to go, where was i heading... but of course, the angles are fucked up, skewed oddly. i cannot read them like that anymore, Perfect: It Has Happened. the thread thickens, dripping with syrupy stuff of novelty, youth and direction. so it makes sense, that i am here now ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3/05 is it becoming easier to get off twitter? nuclear event. things keep changing. still maturing ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2/16 back to life! watched a few movies this weekend and i feel so fuckin bored with the type of stuff people have to say in letterboxd reviews, comments sections, etc. no nuance! people ought to shut up a little– myself included! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2/12 got more posters from my advisor. shit never stops! didn't get paid... i only have $3 rn man! kind of a pathetic day. went climbing and it felt alright, but I felt antsy. glad that class starts tomorrow ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2/11 finally (more or less) finished putting posters up around town for my advisor, left the house for the first time at like 8:30PM. went home and burnt the seasoning off my cast iron trying to multi task ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2/10 tried to describe just a bit of how music theory works to a friend today, like what a key is but i didn't know where to start and was thinking about all the things i wished i had learned earlier, cluttered up in my explanation and maybe went into some reverie thinking about modes in the middle of all that... that's not helpful for a beginner, or anyone im not so sure that everyone is chasing after the "ceaselessly fleeing" thing– always improvising and trying to find that object is it played out to search for your voice? is this what doing that feels like? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2/09 experiencing mostly psychosomatic pain what the hell is wrong w me i dont know if my orchid is dying or if it is entering into a rest period maybe im going into a rest too

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  • https://twothirtygabber.bandcamp.com/album/marashino-olives
  • https://www.last.fm/user/gddgctchthrbbt
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Eyli-z_9vc
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSLN1yUzdDc
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZPiRmt-kiY
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePScRElDHOY

books i am reading

  • dw winnicott, psycho-analytic explorations
  • georges bataille, visions of excess
  • theodor adorno, minima moralia
  • daniel paul schreber, memoirs of my nervous illness
  • félix guattari, anti-oedipus papers

film i most recently watched

  • portrait of a lady on fire

  • language is stretched so taut over the abyss, chasm of abjection
  • how it is both the tightrope and the acrobat
  • the membrane piercing its self, its own boundary
  • so how is it fragile, always breaking down, but never permanently
  • "Is it the quiet shore of contemplation that I set aside for myself, as I lay bare, under the cunning, orderly surface of civilizations, the nurturing horror that htey attend to pushing aside by purifying, systematizing, and thinking; the horror that they seize on in order to build themselves up and function? I rather conceive it as a work of disappointment, of frustration, and hollowing– probably the only counterweight to abjection."

say hi

  • iegates000@gmail.com

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