although it is a product of trauma, i think it is pretty great that i do not have an attachment/entitleent to things going "my way." as though there is a "my way" that could even exist, when all there is is that which is. anyways, i think its important for me to actually process my emotions rather than thinking about how my habits of dissociation make it so that i am highly functional in times of deep crumbling panic and distress. but its also pretty cool that its just like, yea this is just another thing to go through in life. but yeah, that is cool but i still have to make space to process all the icky feelings deep inside. cus its so important! for the lil kid in me.
4/1 happy sizdabedar!
today i was being flirted w by a gay man. WHAT A FIRST! i cant be sure he wasnt bi or something but like....idk thats what my intuition says and also he was wearing a lil nas x shirt lol. i wonder whats gonna happen when its warm out again and the shape of my body cannot be hidden by baggy clothes...regardless gender euphoria is pretty cool
also getting clarity that what i thought was gender euphoria of being femme was more just me liking the attention and validation of being like...a 'hot' 'female'...that pleasure is still valid ofc but it is surface level + always makes me want MORE vs the satisfaction of being read as male (or really anything but female lol) is soul deep and puts me into alignment + ease. COOL!
thank u @diesh :)
3/21 happy new year everyone!!
today i got called a fag. i'm not sure if it was for the first time or not. but its weird to be harassed in a way that is like, i dont know? like not factual lmfao? like if the dude had seen me in a different set of clothes he would had harrassed me a completely different way. like rather that then get catcalled stalked or grabbed? but i guess i wasn't thinking that being read as male can open up new ways of harrassment.