<center><h3>'`°*•☆</h3></center> trying my best 23 / she / utc+2 (off dst in small hours of oct25) oct 29: while moa is havin that collab shenaniganry with ушко that i dont know how much ill be able to vibe with esp whenever the presumed full album drops, i wander off and end up absolutely having my mind blown by arca etc but m remains a strangely beloved favequaintance i foolishly wonder if he'll notice my bday via fb :DD but either way i'll be vibing. oct 28: @diesh (machinetranslated the sentence - result was sensible &) amusingly the trans-siberian is somewhere in the back of my head too (as in, wishing to fuck around w it someday in undefined future) (as for big cities - too used to smaller ones to want to live in a big one) oct 27: i guess i ought to, so to say, pupate a little more before leaping into the world fulltime. maybe feel the edges between myself and the world a little. earn a bit of money via unemployment and maybe workbites so that id eventually be financially more ready to leap into a place of my own. oct 26: hbd @yisel ! and it's also my bday week (bday on sun this yr) and it's 2 years since i first visited russia (st petersburg to be exact; to see moa pillar and ishome live). how time flies... oct 22: i was too shy and the apt offer was made inactive. will see. oct 20: note to self - at 1668s oct 19: the apartment offer continues to positively haunt me. re financery: id feel bad about relying on my parents for this bc they were like "we r not willing to pay for this anymore" when i quietly dropped out of uni. but maybe if i continue showing some initiative in trying to find income itd be different. i dont quite want to wholeass monetize crafts as hobby of mine in fear of losing further motivation to do it but it's one possibility to try to get some mony on the side (later addtn: oh i also just remembered the existence of living allowance / income support, could mess around w applying for that too if i do start to mess around w all this) whatever i expected from 2020, i dont think i had "the prospects of actually living on my own at least attemptingly independently" on the list lol, i was looking towards tartu and continuing studies there but those plans magnificently fell into a ditch, even if i do try to finish my bachelors thesis i dont know at this point if i truly want to continue to masters... bc what if i hit thesis burnout on there too! and either way tartu is only an hour by bus away. -- @rothko quite the coincidence, in the small hours of 18th i also went thru my underwear & socks and arranged them all into a drawer nicely and neatly :o im still yet to evict the more holey ones and i also need to acquire a lint remover... to get it off of the thicker socks n some sweaters oct 18: i stumbled upon quite a nice rental apartment offer in my hometown (where i still dwell, at my parents') and it's HAUNTING ME. 200€ + utilities (allegedly 40€ in summer 70€ in winter) a month, lake view (to southwest so i imagine the sunset views would be SLAPPING), comes w furniture, plenty of light, rented out by the owner n not some real estate agency, looks quite cozy but also spatious enough for a singular person to exist in... (living+bedroom (on the pics the bed bit is separated from rest of room by a tall standalone shelfy thing) and kitchen and separate toilet n bathroom) its so tempting (i would feel much better living separate from my parents, as my existing experience of living in tartu has also shown) but i seem to only barely have the finances for moving into there (idk what addtl money would be required upon moving in bc it is not said in the description) and would need more job to get more money... It Is Haunting Me i will need to write about it to the owner maybe... maybe like, arrange a viewing, ask some questions.. i saw that a friend of mine who rn lives in tartu had 8 q-s jotted down for apartment hunting and besides like 2 i dont remember them so i'll have to ask for those too just in case...oaoaoaoao the timing is amusing bc i could arrange the start of this foolery as a lil bday present to myself (bday in 2 weeks) lmao oct 16: dreamt, among unrelated stuff, that i woke up to my alarm. woke up an hour earlier instead. hmm oct 14: @habit "experimental relationships" [from their not-yet-connectable interests list] this phrase intrigues me for some reason [oct16 re where the phrase comes from: experimental indeed] -- ..and also the sleepiness in early evenings but at least tomorrow is a day off in these regards oct 13: been a busier bee. got to jump upon the jobseekers traineeshippy projecty thing. been nice. today was the last bit w the psychological preparation stuff, the getting to know urself n ur aims n whatever whatever. tomorrow therell be a workclub type thing whichll be shorter (the longer days are 10am to 4pm or so, with breaks and lunch, the workclub things 10am to 1pm n probably just w {beverage of choice}break) im not used to waking up early (though i like existing in mornings / in daylight time) so ive been struggling a bit w squeezing in a proper breakfast but i'll adapt i guess today i wanna play acnh a bit and wind down to proper sleep earlier but try not to succumb to naps oct 11: attempting to have at least a half-empty day today haha (re <a href="https://emptyday.today/">this</a>) oct 10: dreamt i lost my keys during some trip abroad -- or maybe the stannery is just undergoing a metamorphosis of some kind. what with moa having a label of his own and all n me throwin my support towards that i have to be up at 9am on monday but my sleep rhythm is too awful for me to be able to fix it thru sheer willpower (4am rn) so i guess ill just have to rudely awaken myself with alarms from now on again oct 8: my moastanning is entering a really quiet passive period it seems ([-sweep-] i guess i embrace this change). thinkin about how ill b unable to stan any1 else after this bc My Standards Were Shot Through The Roof -- been playing acnh aplenty. things changing a little too much in life but i'm supposedly coping oct 6: feeling pretty ok today healthwise. oct 3: longtime having of a lastfm is great bc sometimes u havent listened to some artist for ages n then u can p much precisely track down that 'oh shit i havent listened to them since %year' [-sweep-] oct 2: contradictory existence.. 1) world is fucked what am i even here for 2) world is ok i guess there r still nice things i guess 1.1) i dont even have enough energy to fight the fuckedness of world at large 1.2) is it ok if i just try to focus on my own wellbeing while trying not to do harm to surrounding ppl n beings n whatever. while just trying to bring some small light into this existence oct 1: emotionally completely out of service currently . . sigh -- need to attempt to drag the phonetics corpus jobthing to its final stretch. rn continuin quietly from 1453s (of 2065s total. inputting what the phonemes in the speechfile seem to be, in sampa format) -- today brings interesting advancements - now idk if i picked this cold-or-covid up from tartu or from home. bc the 2 friends i mainly chilled w in tartu also have some cold-or-covid symptoms. very inch resting. as for animal crossing... <a href="https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/609763477657223208/760967959274323990/20200930_23480800_eeeee.jpg">e</a> (though i have a proper house now. the stockpile of beings next to the dwelling (now smaller) is awaiting donation to museum, after the thing gets ready. havent bothered to shove them all in storage) sep 30: [sweep] -- woke up around 11am. currently 11:38am and ive sneezed 6 times already. why sep 29: <a href="https://youtube.com/watch?v=1VUUG4YOXcA">this</a> stuck in my head completely unrelated to my current mental state -- today brings plenty sneezes i guess... -- not so sore now but now v mild 37.2c has entered the game i probably need to skip the jobseekers traineeship thing infohour at the v least. even if this is just some kinda cold id rather recover from the cold rn. -- sore throat left for yday and has come back. HM maybe its bc i tend to sleep w mouth open sep 28: hello yes i would like some uh confidence? Where To Acquire It -- was bestowed the spare thermometer. ill have to figure out where/if to record my temps but for now i will bestow the info here that its 10am and im a decent 36.4c (then 2pm a decent 36.7c) sep 27: so idk if i gotta selfiso or not (til mom gets tested) but itd be better to do that, just in case. bit of a sore throat rn. also just ordered a little-used switch lite + storing case from a local marketplace-type site, 180€, not bad at all. (wanna fuck around w acnh tbh) [sweep] sep 26: would be interesting to record what song, if any, gets stuck in my head first thing after i wake up. this time it's time by ecco2k could go walk. should eat first [sweep] sep 24/25: didnt even manage to check the fish before rollover :D had fun tonight. tomorrow (25th) i can go to hometown and get the package and go home [sweep] near the bar we (friend n i) were in someone had written "Федя лох" on the wall (Федя = Fedya; [is a]; лох = loser/simpleton), my brain was immediately like 'i wanna send this to moa' so i did (posted in my story like 'im cursed w forever thinking of @ moa most times i see mention of any fedya in the wild'; feedback "ахахахаха &lt;3" which is wholesome,) sep 23: hung out with a couple of friends some more, played a bit of table soccer with some random ppl at a bar. tartu one love sep 22: at a friend's for a couple/few days which is nice [-sweep-] total amount of emails on my pmail: 249 (12may20), 214 (postprune), 234 (9aug), 199 (4sep)


  • https://moapillar.bandcamp.com/track/not-even-last-nights-storm-could-wake-me
  • https://katydid1305.bandcamp.com/album/i-am-so-happy-that-we-were-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time
  • https://santebela.bandcamp.com/track/sv-gravity-0
  • [added sep2] https://wearetar.bandcamp.com/album/threads-strings-rubens (a single by kai whiston, from 2016, that i recently got into. rubens especially)
  • late sep28: i find myself vibing to riquiqui by arca. tasty beats n overall a vibe
  • oct11 10am: https://iglooghost.bandcamp.com/album/places-u-hide-s-k-e-t-c-h-e-s the bit from 5:35ish is delicious.


  • https://fuselab.bandcamp.com/track/nature-theme-2
  • i have nearly 3800 plays on this single track according to my lastfm, as of end of aug '20, since aug '16 (when i bought (digitally) the ep it's on)
  • it's quite cozy. ive had beautiful warm moments accompanied by this track
  • (perhaps enhanced by the weird love i have for moa himself, and the subsequent realizing of how much weird love there can be within me for all that im able to love)
  • • the countless times ive simply vibed to it, sometimes on repeat, often before sleep
  • • the one time on an evening walk when i was listening to it and suddenly noticed the moon glowing softly behind a haze of clouds and it was beautiful
  • • the few times ive simply vibed to it while on a bus looking out of the window and taking in the view (mostly dusk, sometimes with moon)
  • - • the most recent (end of july '20) of those times i also noticed the coziness n safety of lit-up windows in my hometown, almost started straight-up Crying
  • - • also have tended to listen to it on the way back from the little trips ive had abroad mainly (but not only) to see moa perform live; has filled me with warmth every time
  • - - • on the fieldsfest trip (aug '19) on the bus back home i at some point felt such amounts of weird love that even thinking of nt2 made me quietly cry a bit
  • • the night of writing this list (wee hours of 28th aug '20) i was vaguely looking out the window while in bed, and listening to nt2, when i suddenly saw a shooting star...
  • not that these moments aren't warm/beautiful on their own. but the presence of nature theme 2 adds more warmth to them.

i exist

  • https://sneakypancake.tumblr.com
  • https://www.instagram.com/sneekiblin/
  • https://last.fm/user/sneakypancake
  • https://bandcamp.com/sneekiblin
  • https://kodu.ut.ee/~jahisoo/ my uni-server homepage. quite simple for now ! and possibly temporary


  • • feb 12 ('20): seal cam! https://youtu.be/3A1Wi3sOy7g
  • • feb 16: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i0Z73mhwLyG9R8RKvLFm6NUSsdZeL8LVcOh3I0arWjA this essay (via http://celiahollander.com)
  • • mar 24: https://madronalabs.com/products/aalto screwed around with the demo
  • • apr 9: https://ischialisteningtocsh.glitch.me/ omg this link by @chia
  • • apr 29: http://theradio.tk some sort of radioesque thing, or 'multiverse project' as an ig mutual of mine (DARK selection is his) referred to it
  • • may 29: https://emptyday.today/readings/how-to-live/ yeah
  • • sep 5: https://www.raptitude.com/2017/06/want-more-time-get-rid-of-the-easiest-way-to-spend-it/ using socmedia like websites or w/e


  • https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/363940459439063040/591657897109225481/20190620_020819.jpg
  • https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/260438376270921729/749668195257942077/20200830_193232.jpg