'`°*•☆ wiggling around thinking out loud may 29: thinking i could acquire a table tennis set. there are some public tables in the city i go to uni to and at least one in my hometown. would b nice w the occasional friend may 28: bit lonely. been on my own far too much lately and the feeling was amplified a bit (a lot) by rather silly means . stupid little admiration stupid little yearning --- feast. may 27: roommate told me she'll probably return here next weekend. such amounts of pure alonetime feel weird to me --- [-snip-] may 26: the 'date of last cry' thing of @lovelag gave me a list thought of listing some times i have cried which i still remember not sure how good that idea is but it's an idea [-snip-] --- the thesis momentum very wobbly still. as is everything may 24: [-snip-] may 23: today had nice weather. chilled outdoors w parents and 1 of my bros a bit, grilled & ate stuff, took in the sun -- some things feel like a dream nov 30 '19, part of a shy fragmented conversation f: 'do you have dreams?' i (approx): 'i dont know.... havent thought about it' f: 'i dont have dreams, i have plans' pragmatic of you, fedya i have dreams. night dreams. and regular dreams. and daydreams, may 21: 4pm. today - heated up a frozen pizza and eaten most of it (some i left for later) doing laundry backing up (some of) the contents of the laptop's hard drive onto external drive, just in case just bought bus tickets to visit home for a day gotta pack up the tiny things i have in this dwelling to bring home must try to finalize the lit review chapter of my thesis so that i could move on to the next step may 20: dealt with and slapped the mostly-ready definiteness stuff into the thesis file. satisfying. want to see what to do with the chaos that is the english-article-usage-cases subchapters... --- have been on my own since may 11th when roommate went home for a while. days feeling blank, in this dwelling. need to visit home somewhen, my cat is waiting for me may 16: tomorrow i will try to acquire a decent amount of material for the definiteness subchapter of my thesis. a decent essay's worth of material. what is a bachelor's thesis if not an extended essay. --- i still have an amount of cheese sauce, made on the 11th. i'll boil some more spaghetti, to be able to consume the sauce before it goes bad [-i think i managed to finish it on the 17th or 18th-] may 15: gate by moa pillar is fun to listen to on the eternal jukebox, exceptionally loop-friendly track, that one. heres an unwieldy link, for it is with my own upload of the audio and thus is guaranteed to work: https://eternalbox.dev/jukebox_go.html?id=2hVQQQheJaBTDkdfGcf0Np&audio=upl%3Afa6fa66b87283019f046e0e597c94746d4f7f31b2d7d44a8489b9028800010ee28789428d5d16fb88f920805321f7b859055378c94dca9574e0e085ce18e4469 may 13: stupid little admiration...... and yearning.. may 12: 214 emails in total now. --- there are currently a total of 249 emails on my protonmail, after a bit of pruning of my bachelor's degree stuffs folder may 10: being hands being, hands, being, hands, being, hands, may 3: via @diesh , about that new link in my musiclist (drumming by zurkas tepla and moa pillar): "(thank you pirl ♡, I have listened to this ep three times yesterday)" :D!!! feels real nice whenever some1 grabs a music rec of yrs apr 28: spotted at @lina , this dream summary intrigues me: "28 04 government decides to disable time and clocks during quarantine" apr 14: how to harness these sheer energies / tight hugs to myself mar 31 (+ may 10): moa to me re a postponed event: "We will обязательно встретимся!" i wish to keep the energy of this reply with me. want to meet n chat at least a bit with him irl again mar 28: been sleeping at night for a week or so, waking up before or around sunrise. mar 10: from @glittrfae : "the inability to ever thank your loved ones enough for their existence, or the fate string that ties you together with a fragile little bow" (from their invisible things list) feb 26: @ skwak i shall think about the phantomwifi offer... Will See. [-may 16: i have put this thought on hold, in light of my great thesis struggle, but i am still holding the thought-]


  • https://moapillar.bandcamp.com/track/not-even-last-nights-storm-could-wake-me
  • https://katenv.bandcamp.com/album/for
  • https://katydid1305.bandcamp.com/album/i-am-so-happy-that-we-were-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time
  • https://santebela.bandcamp.com/track/sv-gravity-0
  • (added may 1st) https://peer.moscow/album/drumming
  • (added may 16th) wow https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGn3kWalkSQ (clams casino - i'm god)
  • (also) https://iglooghost.bandcamp.com/track/gold-coat

bastard's thesis process notes to self

  • • i really need some kind of Concrete Working Plan, otherwise i won't manage
  • (my deadline was extended til june 22, accounting for the rather shabby state of my prelim draft)
  • • alright basically, i need to focus on the literature review first. supervisor told me to spend 3-4 days on this rn. (taking me longer though)
  • • build up the bastardry nice and good

i exist

  • https://sneakypancake.tumblr.com
  • https://instagram.com/sneekiblin
  • https://last.fm/user/sneakypancake
  • https://twitter.com/sneekiblin
  • https://bandcamp.com/sneekiblin
  • https://kodu.ut.ee/~jahisoo/ my university-server homepage. quite simple for now (apr 29: i have noticed that @xaxalxe has included this one in https://site.transbienne.club/links.html . flushed emoji ahaha)


  • feb 20: seeing stars in the sky always makes me happy
  • feb 26: it's really snowy outside all of a sudden. Really Snowy. will see how long it lasts this time. -> mar 2: and the snow melts
  • apr 1: sky view: tufts of cloud near horizon, some long chunk of cloud a bit above, then a bit of clearer sky with fewer larger tufts of cloud, and then some grayer cloudstuff
  • apr 2: the sky's been funky today. clouds are nice
  • apr 4: almost 2am, i observe the fairylights at someones window in adjacent apartment building, as they change colour
  • may 17: in my unidwelling. have conquered my roommate's desk (at the bedroom window) for now while she is at home. a couple of linden trees visible from this window, and they're growing leaves


  • • feb 12: seal cam! https://youtu.be/3A1Wi3sOy7g
  • • feb 16: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i0Z73mhwLyG9R8RKvLFm6NUSsdZeL8LVcOh3I0arWjA this essay, via http://celiahollander.com (i thought of this as i was listening to secret by moa pillar but paulstretched to 10x its length)
  • • mar 24: https://madronalabs.com/products/aalto screwed around with demo version of this (w savihost as vst host), understood almost nothing (on may 16th i noodled with this a bit more)
  • • apr 9: https://ischialisteningtocsh.glitch.me/ omg this link by @chia, i could do smth similar with me and moa pillar..
  • • apr 29: http://theradio.tk some sort of radioesque thing, or 'multiverse project' as an ig mutual of mine (the DARK selection is his) referred to it
  • • may 29: https://emptyday.today/readings/how-to-live/ yeah
  • • ..

a little photo album to flip through

  • https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/700537145860816976/713830139674361947/20200523_220446.jpg - one of the shirts moa gifted me in april 2019
  • https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/700537145860816976/713831411143934113/unknown.png - and the other! full view of the design. i love the shirts.
  • https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/363940459439063040/591657897109225481/20190620_020819.jpg - a view from the bedroom at home. june 2019.
  • https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/303614441503850497/689786671545581598/20200318_105030.jpg - an instance of cat being cozy on me