"it’s not the monotony of working and waking that makes it all remarkable, it’s the peace that comes as a result." -letterboxd review by coffee . summer log// 25/8 is it not enough that i see you when im happy? do i have to feel you in part of my pain and lonesome as well? i just need you to come home now this is a cruel joke. 22/8 i (should) (have to) (will learn to) walk away from _ that are not meant for me. 21/8 someone had to remind me that i dont have to work on things for my job, because its the weekend. shook me to my core that i needed a wake up call to just lie in bed and be. spent the day swimming, tanning, getting high and baking with friends. watched a film about the Srebrenica genocide. slowly getting through my watchlist, one film at a time. 18/7 suddenly there's no time for 14/7 squall is such a weird word for the best weather. project proposal for class is trudging along. 11/7 (6:06am)we were in the park at home (pvc1), i was behind the concrete steps, hidden. i saw my friend bathed in orange, walking across the circle, grieving. i hide. he calls me, says there's something i have to know, i would wanna know. i tell him to stay there. i couldn't bring myself to look at the sky. everything is orange. this really warm orange. golden specks of dust. i cry, closing my eyes, i don't look at the sky. everything is orange. i hold his hands like praying. my sweet girl. you have split me in two. grief is the mass in my being now, the orange i hide from. i dream of you. {need to watch less western bs} 9/7 currently (anxiously) waiting for my dough to rise, have to fold this raspberry jam-ish situation into it without making a mess, fingers crossed 8/7 watched A Brighter Summer Day this weekend, was very very very high halfway through the film, i was convinced that i was hallucinating most of the stuff on screen, but later when i looked at stills of the film, everything just looked like home. i had been there before. i should really stop winging the amount in an edible. 5/7 i hope he went in his sleep but i dont know. i watched something that talks about restoration-oriented and loss-oriented ways of grieving, instead of the 5 step bullshit. ive been trying to be at the places i need to be, see those i need to meet but i cant wait to see my best friend and sit in her balcony and cry. its become a ritual i think. im sad shes moving but honestly its more about the space she's built that lets me grieve rather than the physical space itself. shes amazing. trying not to cry in class right now. 3/7 watched yorgos's Dogtooth, Kinds of Kindness and the The Lobster in 3 days, the view of the world built on arbitrary and not-real rules is a staple for all his films and i love it. have to pick up a book from the library, have to see my aunt today, have to ask at work to get a strange lunch break timing for monday. 1/7 took the up express to the airport for the first time, its beautiful away from here. still waiting still worrying. comforted by close ones being close. finally made it to the gym after a month. thinking about an apple crumble. . book log// Currently reading - Patriarchy of the Wage- silvia federici, on women - susan sontag On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous- ocean vuong "i miss you more than i remember you." painful to read right now, still cant bring myself to finish the last 20 pages. its like he's cut me open to dissect where exactly grief has formed within and taken notes. Kitchen Confidential- anthony bourdain Sums up a lot of what i myself have been thinking about in the food industry, labour, community, immigrants, socialism, minimum wage work. funny man who writes well and fast, self-foreshadows his own end during some parts of the book read read The Forest of Enchantments- chitra banerjee while i think i prefer Palace of Illusions more, because i feel that the characters in it are written with more flaws and nuances, some parts of this book specifically got to me. when she writes about how women are told to endure, for all sisters who come before her. and the ongoing learnings of love. Bunny - mona awad what the fuck this was so weird halfway through the book i had to put it down and take a mental health break because the writing is so in depth and perspective i couldnt distinguish myself from the first person pov Sharp objects- gillian flynn OH GOD one of my fav fiction books ever i love gross girls (my coworker watched me read the ending of this book) Breast and Eggs by kawakami- my favourite genre of books is this. i cant explain but extra descriptive realism is the shitttt like yes girl set the scene for me tell me exactly how the sunlight comes beyond the window shades and trickles onto the floor and flutters on the table top. Normal People - Sally Rooney i think heart wrenching, if all my relationships were compiled on one book, especially the part where connell talks about how marrianne would do anything including submitting to his violence to please him, and she agrees. . https://www.are.na/sanchari-dey/channels