i realize, i have an internal ideal that is, everytime i remember special fish, thats when i need to update my profile
im in new york city right now, its my third time being here
in the bed
i dont have the energy for this
i need to recharge so badly
i want a hug
im gonna crycry
this is a lotta stuff
ohhwww my brain hurts
has it always been this way
i need to get myself together before the semester ends. its not gonna happen!!!!
maybe i am dumb
i dont wanna die anymore but
ehehhahaaah oh man the emotional reality of it all!!!!!!!
it just keeps going..!!!!
but everytime, i have to remind myself, the true love and happiness only resides within me... and within my circumstances, and within a certain clarity, i can create that for myself
the new year had me realizing a lot about spirit and self, and although these past few months have been trying me, ill still strive for that understanding of myself and whats best for me
ok maybe i shouldnt kill myself
i should probably just kill myself
accidentally doing a log exactly two months later
october was a giant whirlwind of emotions, and november has been both recovering from that physically and elaborating on it emotionally..
needless to say at this point, im just really confused
i have a lot of love in my heart
and all i want to do is share
i need to have the feeling of needing to prove myself to those i love again
i feel like
i will always be unrecognized and unloved
even though im being touched so nicely
texting as a poem
separate from the body
two souls writing for one
just realized its been over a year since i started logs on here. this september is so different from a year ago. i had my first job then, and ive learned so much since
the friends that im making in school make me so hopeful, but i still wonder if im getting too comfortable
my professors say some really amazing things that help me not regret leaving the state, but i still wonder what kind of person id be if i had the means to leave in pursuit of their dreams like everyone else
im still pursuing my dreams! just in a different way
for the past few months, ive been a certified stoner. im thinking of taking a break. theres a lot of things i didnt know about long term smoking because i never smoked before this year
despite some doubtful feelings, ive also been feeling like honey is dripping all over my heartsoul, im so incredibly grateful for the interactions and new mindset ive adopted/am still in the process of learning.... i think everything will be fine
i hope to have my first kiss soon
its insane to me that i havent been on here in 5 months, it doesnt feel that way at all
2021 has been going by scarily fast and i can feel myself getting older :(
college is very fun and exciting especially since im staying in my hometown, but i cant eat because im also very anxious at the same time
i hope i finally make portfolio pieces that truly represent my vision
allso, i worked at panera bread all summer haha
euuu.. working with established adults is very hard. especially w my mental issues , working under them and trying to please them without seeming desperate or young is so hard..
im currently working as an assistant for a photographer making a public art guide in the area i work at and its kind of easy but i never know if im being a bit cringe, im just trying to help as much as possible...
i dont even get any profit from this either cuz i cant drive so i take ubers to the train every morning and the cost of one uber is equal to how much i make in an hour.. and ive only been working with her for one hour every morning cuz the shoots r short... im literally going insane i hope this isnt all for nothing
i had a bit of a revelation yesterday and i kinda wanna start thinking about applying to a major museum downtown, but i dont think im qualified ...
currently working at previously said gig for the first and maybe last time because im essentially just someone to come in if the other dude cant.. kinda sucks because i need money but its ok im gonna look for another job
i keep zoning out and whenever i have to talk to people lately im hyper aware of how . insane and deranged i sound oh
but its an art exhibit.. for harmony korine,.. maybe i dont have to keep my cool
anyways its my bffs bday today and i bought them a really cute beanie w bunny ears to stay warm in the cold ass nyc weather. hope ur not seeing this magnus!
its been a minute!!!
im unemployed but might have a gig at a pop up gallery soon, either a harmony korine exhibition or something else
im also currently working on my hometest, lets see how that goes
im really hungry. chicken kitchen coming soon!
over a week into october now
thats rly weird
ive been actually remembering my dreams lately which directly started when i started my job. like for all of quarantine i couldnt remember my dreams but now i can
some recurring imagery/feelings: the black paint on my nails peeling/falling off, cuddling/feeling warm near someone
things r ok
ive realized something a little inappropriate lately but basically a lot of my problems can probably be resolved with rather.. adult interactions
maybe that thought process is what gets people into shitty situations and is just a product of my touch starvation and realization that im nowhere near as close to my friends as i used to be but
theres nothing better to do nowadays i think. i cant wait until i dont care anymore and just download tinder.
ive also been taking a lot of ubers which i hate and just doing so many things i hate and constantly being on my phone to remove myself from my environment and its like im tearing down all the progress i made throughout quarantine which is kind of sad
but i guess you cant really help it cause were going through unfortunate times
i dont really hold as many expectations now and my guard is higher. feelsbadman
also my therapist ghosted me (again)
september changed me a lot. i went from thinking id work at gamestop to working as a gallery attendant and having to talk to rich people everyday. its been scary but i understand more things now. august log is kinda weird in retrospect
im looking forward to my future a bit even though im really scared, its no longer a straight road (never was i guess?)
also i cant have therapy anymore, working full time
i hate that its august
im gonna be alone for a while
im trying to work on a zine though
im starting free therapy today mainly for trans stuff, kinda scared cause im forcing myself to talk to a stranger about my problems and im convinced this will not benefit me but im doing it regardless