08/12/24: i haven't felt human lately. not in a fun way. i keep having dreams about the world ending. i need a meds review. 03/12/24: *loud explosion* my mental health has been wacky lately but we move!! i'm gonna be 23 in 17 days which isn't old at all but it's also the oldest i've ever been so of course it FEELS old...it feels like my frontal lobe is finally starting to develop or something. i need to take out a mortgage. 28/11/24: nothing was wrong. 27/11/24: something is wrong. 26/11/24: i've been having sticker based breakdowns lately. i have many, many stickers, and a desire to use them, but a fear of using them inefficiently. something about me is my reactions to things are out of proportion. the idea of both ruining a sticker sheet's perfect fullness, AND using the removed sticker in a sub optimal place makes me feel genuinely physically sick. i found myself getting so worked up over stationery impermanence yesterday that i was experiencing heart palpitations. i should probably see a doctor but a good second option is to just not think about stickers or notebooks or anything like that for a while. not much to report on today. a dull day. ate pizza and did pixel art. 24/11/24: happy (almost) palindrome date day. that's probably a good omen. maybe just an alright omen? anyway: do you think there's some sort of psychological explanation behind the desire to hoard journals and sketchbooks? i always want to buy new ones, despite having several i will never use. they feel like a promise of creation, of new beginnings, a clean slate, fresh start. you can do anything with it. you could write the next great novel, draw a modern masterpiece, or just track your poop habits. they're so open ended, so customizable, it feels a little daunting. i get paralyzed by the choices offered up to me. i felt a similar way opening this for the first time. "what do i write?! oh lord, its a blank page, it could be ANYTHING!! what if this is my legacy?!". yeah, i was worried this would go the way of the many other web blogging accounts i've joined (bearblog, dreamwidth, i'm so sorry to you both). i suppose it being just a single page is good. feels less... vast. like, with real journals, you fill a page, then there's ANOTHER. with blogs, you make a post, and then you can make MORE?!?! no thanks. with all this being said, i intend to buy a journal in the new year. a hobonichi techo, as a treat. i will force myself to be consistent and open and create a dialogue with myself if its the last thing i do!! modern society has created a fear in me of expressing myself if its not in a way that is beneficial/marketable, and i need to destroy that. with a £60 notebook. don't question my logic here. it'll go alongside the digicam (haha thats me) and the e-reader i'm getting. a perfect little kit for traveling places and documenting life and having fun and seeing things. i spent most of 2024 in my bedroom, and i will change that, god willing.