28/11/24: nothing was wrong. 27/11/24: something is wrong. 26/11/24: i've been having sticker based breakdowns lately. i have many, many stickers, and a desire to use them, but a fear of using them inefficiently. something about me is my reactions to things are out of proportion. the idea of both ruining a sticker sheet's perfect fullness, AND using the removed sticker in a sub optimal place makes me feel genuinely physically sick. i found myself getting so worked up over stationery impermanence yesterday that i was experiencing heart palpitations. i should probably see a doctor but a good second option is to just not think about stickers or notebooks or anything like that for a while. not much to report on today. a dull day. ate pizza and did pixel art. 24/11/24: happy (almost) palindrome date day. that's probably a good omen. maybe just an alright omen? anyway: do you think there's some sort of psychological explanation behind the desire to hoard journals and sketchbooks? i always want to buy new ones, despite having several i will never use. they feel like a promise of creation, of new beginnings, a clean slate, fresh start. you can do anything with it. you could write the next great novel, draw a modern masterpiece, or just track your poop habits. they're so open ended, so customizable, it feels a little daunting. i get paralyzed by the choices offered up to me. i felt a similar way opening this for the first time. "what do i write?! oh lord, its a blank page, it could be ANYTHING!! what if this is my legacy?!". yeah, i was worried this would go the way of the many other web blogging accounts i've joined (bearblog, dreamwidth, i'm so sorry to you both). i suppose it being just a single page is good. feels less... vast. like, with real journals, you fill a page, then there's ANOTHER. with blogs, you make a post, and then you can make MORE?!?! no thanks. with all this being said, i intend to buy a journal in the new year. a hobonichi techo, as a treat. i will force myself to be consistent and open and create a dialogue with myself if its the last thing i do!! modern society has created a fear in me of expressing myself if its not in a way that is beneficial/marketable, and i need to destroy that. with a £60 notebook. don't question my logic here. it'll go alongside the digicam (haha thats me) and the e-reader i'm getting. a perfect little kit for traveling places and documenting life and having fun and seeing things. i spent most of 2024 in my bedroom, and i will change that, god willing.