Hi! feeling off-kilter
trying to listen to my body and my needs but not sure what it's signaling. hmm
happy new year
-- hello special fish. i uploaded some snippets onto my blog today, on cosmologies, on the flows of covid19
-- i just discovered and am using Dynalist, i feel excited using it
-- sometimes i feel i am on the verge of propelling forwards, unraveling my life. a lot of times i feel i have no control over the things that happen in my life, but i am slowly allowing the space for myself to have agency, and to exert it, be comfortable with standing firm in my decisions
-- one of those days i should direct more love 2wards myself. feeling like throwing my hands up, letting go of everything that keeps me together, keeps the ego intact
-- needing space
-- i focused on my heart center today while meditating, after a scuffle, and tears couldn't stop flowing. it was amazing.
-- I will embrace new modes of looking at the world, new stories to tell stories
-- i have reached new levels of 'not knowing myself'
-- it's okay to cry! it's not weakness! i am unlearning my old habits of chiding myself and learning to be patient and love myself, being firm with my boundaries and not stumble. sometimes, people are simply not meant to vibe with you.
-- i will learn new performances of the self.
-- new week, new routines to discover, new ways to feel fulfillment
-- loving borderlands 2 steampunk vibeworlding :]
-- long weekend, marked by stretched time (feeling good) and lounging on the porch admiring the foliage and baking in the heat
-- oscillating between health anxiety (about increased heartrates, breathlessness from sinus/allergies) and fulfillment from reading, extracting snippets, discovering more readings
-- felt immersed in the language that donna haraway uses in "staying with the trouble"; picking up the reading after months of leaving it
-- playing calming music for my bedridden father to wake up to, and to sleep to. i feel his morale has decreased and it reflects in the way he (does not) look at me. sometimes i catch him staring blankly into the distance and i wonder. but still, i do not give up and i am planning to cut out photographs he took of the family when we were kids, and place it along his bed. i think it's the physical pain and discomfort he's in that disables him from emoting, for fully wanting to be in his body.
-- evenings/nights are marked by playing borderlands 2 with m. the world and story mission feels pretty linear after awhile but i enjoy virtual hangouts with m anyway :)
-- downloaded portal 2 in case my other friends would want to play with me. have yet to find interested said friends, haha
🟣 podcast - katie mack on Mindscape, on the different ways the universe will end. one highly likely way of the universe ending is the 'heat death of the universe' where time just does not matter anymore, as maximum entropy is reached and the arrow of time does not apply. (i am recalling these points from memory - might be inaccurate). this will be hundreds of billions of years into the future, bearing in mind our universe is only 13.8 billion years, and 93 billion light-years wide. possible boltzmann brain quantum fluctuations seems impossible. in this version of the End, galaxies are lone islands, and space(time) will be stretched so far apart from one another (as our current universe is accelerating its expansion) that light from another galaxy will not be able to reach the anyone in a universe, i.e. even if they're not alone, they wouldn't know.
-- stillness feels like a layer of white fog laying me down
-- feeling heavy but needing to be optimistic. feeling the most unstable i've been in awhile. my chest feels heavy, i feel like my 'heart center' is being weighed down. i'm mad worried and anxious for my father to the point it becomes obsessive, i can't stop my anxiety. then it bleeds into multiple unnecessary layers until i can't think clearly. e.g. thinking, why does my heart beat so fast, is this tightness a muscle ache or chest pain, i don't know, will i die, will there be pain
-- then again, these are states i observe
-- thinking about how obsessed i can be with documentation, record-keeping, archival logs, the negentropy of memory
-- can't believe working from home is still a thing, sitting my ass down from 10am-6pm. i want rest
-- thinking about the play on semantics, re singapore terming our semi-lockdown as a "circuit breaker", and how it bypasses the impact of using the term "lockdown", for example. so funny
-- looking out the window, dreaming of paradigm shifts
-- talk to me in a textual void :o) https://www.yourworldoftext.com/~litecuboid/spaceorbit
-- cleaned up are.na blocks. new thrill and anticipation for updating my blocks with the messy dump i have of a OneNote
-- "led" a discussion with a tech lawyer, i think i did poorly bc i was lost at the legal jargon and was not able to think fast enough to engage him further. i think alot of times the salience of "me projecting social anxiety" puts a barrier between me and connecting properly with people.. hmm
-- created a new habbohotel character, "spinachtree"
-- walked to the nearby HAO mart to get instant coffee so i could make dalgona coffee at home, and detergent. didn't realize the heat would be so draining... when i got home it felt like i just ran a few km on a treadmill.
the people's cloud, episode 1-4
"inside China's controversial mission to reinvent the internet", the financial times, 27 march 2020
geopolitical tensions seeping into the way technology does business. despite blockchain being a collaborative technology, chinese blockchain consortia hold a strong bias towards domestic companies, and international leading blockchain solution companies are thus reluctant to break into the market
complementing the FT reading above, the blend of public/private actors imbued in these technologies (in this context, blockchain and internet protocols - both very collaborative in nature) grants them very complex statuses and entangles their futures with geopolitical diversions arising from the nation-state;
aiming to be more literate on the political economy side of things, while collecting more observations from work
mutual aid, ethics of care
"do maintain minimal presence instead of total absence"
got into this indie k-pop female artiste, lulileela. dream pop sounds
sitting in silence eating dinner. i forgot who i am, how i perform, how i am embodying... what?
this reminds me of listography. lightweight, static pages.
lately (past few years) i feel the urge to write diminishing, then in spurts, sometimes rekindling
i keep a folder of 'txt' that has expired since late last year.