i love film because it combines all the arts. --- if you know me irl and somehow found this, no you didn't --- ~ some reflections on film school ~ 'comparison is the thief of joy', yet I can't help but judge myself and my work against those of my peers. they say that you should only judge your work against your past work, see how far you've gone. but when there's only a dozen people that can make it to the upper year directing courses, out of a pool of 70 or so students, it becomes inescapable. sometimes i often bang my head against a wall, thinking that despite all the praise that i've gotten from friends, professors, and faculty, my work is still not the best. despite the fact that i'm in the top 10% (and i'm proud of that), i still have the smallest disillusionment of not being the best. i suspect that this is an innate part of me that for now seems indelible; whenever it came to making a video during high school, i always put my best foot forward, and got the highest marks. but now, i realize that maybe i don't have what it takes. my crew says that i'm great to work with, but are they just saying that to be nice? my worst fear is making what I hate the worst: not bad films, but average films. because average films are lost to time and memory. it means you are not remarkable. for now, i just hope that i can make it through directing every single project that i can, participating in as many student sets as i can, and meeting new people. i hope that by doing all these things, i can fill the gaping hole of insecurity at the very bottom of my heart, which has somehow been there since time immemorial. [3-11-24] ~ should you go to film school? ~ here are the five main reasons I decided to go: 1. experience on student sets (how a crew operates) 2. making connections (classmates and profs) 3. quell own insecurities about directing 4. access to equipment, technical practice 5. build up portfolio notice how i didn't say anything about knowledge or learning. while it is true that there are certain things that i've learned about that I would have never chosen to learn otherwise, **literally everything** that i have learned is on the web somewhere. whether it's a textbook, an academic article, or a youtube video somewhere, THE PRACTICAL, TECHNICAL KNOWLEDGE IS OUT THERE. FOR FREE. i recommend that you DO NOT go to film school if you already have connections, have experience working on set/already work with video, and/or already have a portfolio. now, the distinction between uni and college. college programs are purely technical. some 3 year programs have you holding cameras day one. uni programs, typically over 4 years, take longer to get to practice. there's a lot of emphasis on theoretical aspects of filmmaking (e.g. editing theory, mise-en-scene, history) before you get to actual practice, but all of the former informs your work, and broadens your horizons. if you just want to work as crew, you'll do fine with college. if you have delusional aspirations of writing/directing, go for uni. [3-11-24]