11/16 i know what makes me angry and i know why it does too being a strict system of a SIMPLE machine a clear language a sort of everything in its right place american psycho shit ya know i LOATHE an invisible personality except when my seams come loose and my hoists and strings come rusted and coiled and i do this every day the body is environment it’s SETTING, it is medium and some people never realize their gallery sterile white walls and fluorescent dental light so exposed that nothing is sensed i struggle to not loathe them mine is dirtier palimpsest too chaotic to archive anything of value in a way that makes sense no straight lines no clear end points, paragraphs, rhythms i’ve LOATHED my stage and my drunk stagehands that would quicker talk a bright eyed fangirl into immoral compromise rather than self discipline i think about this every day when i wake up to new textures and shapes along the surfaces bumps and burn marks scratches of a stupor the night before i feel giddy sometimes that i wake up to this, clean it up to some significant level, and make my way to class with my diorama of oddities. maybe i should take more pride in my giddiness but in what spot can that fit into in a world rewarding only of SIMPLE machines, CLEAR language and instrucción with no other interpretation 11/18 i know what makes me giddy and blissfully serene overwhelming harmony undeniable, unattainable, unrepeatable, yours in a moment a unique waveform a transient never quantifiable a hertz that comes and goes like fever i get giddy during a fever when i know my delirium is grounded in a viral culture and will flush out the sickly miasmas i know the dream will come sort of anti climatic but never drab i secretly long for these at times to pull me out of my stagnant hold into a waltz through syrup and flour coughing rhythm into shape again and rise the next morning rested and tender ❀❀❀ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}{}{}{}{}{]{][}[]{}[]}{}{]{}{}{][}{}][}}[{}{}{[][}{}{[][{}{}[]{}{}{{}] listening to: (favs - ❀) la bruja - victor martinez ❀ amante bandido - Miguel Bosé The Lady Has No Heart - St. Elmo’s Fire ❀ rain when possible enjoying the silence (but like fr tho…)