ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত email me!: jeffreyfang3@gmail.com ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত 10.3 back on meds. last week practically didn't happen. its been about 10 days now. the first seven they effectively silenced my overactive inner voice but also happened to silence all other signs of cognition up there. its a terrifying feeling being the witness to your own mental castration. function has returned a bit this week, so has the razor sharp brainchatter. im giving it a chance, im very scared and very tired. musics coming along. got 5-6 mighty fine seeds being planted and watered with audible love. still figuring out this ridiculous 8 track. confronted with the limitations of my own playing. writings one thing but performance is a skill im still after. ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত 9.19 strongly considering getting back on medications. feeling unbelievably bogged down by everything, it's all got some mental complication that makes things more difficult than they have to be. about half a year ago i got off venlafaxine. I've made strides in the time since but i just can't seem to find the strength to do anything more than drag myself to the places I absolutely have to be. I think the biggest change has been that ive been made made aware of a lot of underlying psychological residual from my past, and that it's something that needs to be actively worked through. I won't use meds as a crutch but damn it'd be nice to be able to walk strong once in a while. how do I control my feelings of inadequacy. they always say not to compare never how to not compare. ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত 9.17 im noticing a alarming trend that the weeks seem to go by faster and faster. I mean ive felt this way in general correlation with my growing up, that time passes by faster for a multitude of reasons, but for some reason its really been bothering me lately. it's crazy to me that tomorrow is Wednesday again. right now, Wednesday means work, ive got a long shift of library perusing ahead. does it ever slow down? is my perception of time going to continue to accelerate forever until I die? im literally just 21. someone ate one of my fucking tomatoes. ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত 9.15 shame still sort of rules my world. it stifles me from trying, maneuvering itself into whatever excuse i need to hear to convince myself that what I have to say isn't worth it. this has been a step though. i figure that the more uncomfortable situations i throw myself into with open arms the more comfortable ill be with the thought that even if everyone thinks what i've got to say is lame or pretentious or self indulgent ill still be alright. writing on this website is certainly uncomfortable, even though the stakes are about as low as they can get while still flirting with the idea of being perceived. its hard to know how to tough the line between sincere self criticality rooted in passion, or insecurity and shame in your output. where these things end and begin are not obvious to me. cleaning liquids make me feel stupid when i inhale them. I hate instagram ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত 9.14 yesterday i drank. felt stuck between the promise of an ecstatic drunken release and a low drudge of a depressant fueled haze. if i drink ive got to get drunk as fuck or its really not gonna cut it i wonder about the intangible effects that smoking weed might have on my cognition.i guess it’s tangible if notice them. i tend to go all or nothing on everything. stops me from often doing anything, even when i know the answer is just to increment on the little things, until they tumble into bigger things. ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত 9.12 I have a presiding fear that I will forget the places ive found and lose the ability to find my way back. yesterday it felt like I forgot how to sing my professor loves the television sometimes grocery shopping feels sick and twisted maybe if I reciprocated with a question he'd reply. but he hasn't yet not replied, so. I don't want to meet up with you anymore. I remembered how to sing I will find my way back ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত 🏢9.11🏢 big trux pavement princess rip through the roads terror is the price and size is the gold a phallus on wheels throbbing steel meets cold sharp flesh destination prevails over a slow hard death weathered and strong a grating song sang by its limbs the quick trigger brake won't stop its whims worship the wild, even sing its hymn on the way to the golf course