milk, in the sea

[05.05.20] the "depression" started yesterday, not sure what part of the day, felt worse after running, almost as if the running intensified it spent a good part of the night in tears, crying, slept horribly, pretty sure i had nightmares, woke up sweating many times despite sleeping with the aircon on woke up startled and reached for <someone who wasn't there>, felt immediate pain in my chest lay in bed for an extremely long time, felt unable to move, felt no need to move or reply any of the 20+ messages received would cry in spurts every 20 mins or so, uncontrollable tears, coming on for no reason, esp when i heard the lyrics 'if heartache was a physical pain/ i could face it i could face it but you're hurting me from inside of my head/ i can't take it, i can't take it' continued to feel extremely depressed until ~4 pm, when i suddenly felt the need to reply N felt momentary happiness when i saw 'incoming facetime call' and almost immediate sadness again, feeling like shit abt feeling my happiness depend on someone else, someone i can't even bring myself to be honest with only last night did i again feel like cutting off contact/ it's almost like this is a recurring subject bc the last time i felt this was exactly one month ago (the weekend of mbs) but i'll feel stupid if i tell him again. i read a quote about 'projecting yr trauma/baggage onto others' and if that isn't me well... i don't know how to actively stop it, i need help. but i'm also afraid to ask for it i don't want to be the one that feels more i feel like i'm falling in love WHILE i see so many issues, & i don't want to list them bc then it'd be more real & i'd then have a reason to not continue this. like i'm asking myself if i feel: valued, appreciated hopeful courageous excited re future loved comfortable safe, secure and the answer to everything is 'no' i feel crazy, i don't know if i'm expecting too much, overthinking, being over anxious... or just demanding what i think i deserve? maybe i just don't deserve this, i'm not meant for it i just spent ~1 hr reading about expectations & i think i will discuss the foundations of a gd r/s trust - most of the time, like 90% except for that one time in the middle of the night affection - i can't wrap my head around not feeling enough commitment - honesty - don't feel like i can talk abt what troubles me respect - no issues on this front tired of reading for tonight, will catch up on these tomorrow: - - - - - - - I definitely am crazy now ------ made another drink inventory 100 plus (no sugar) almond milk (dark chocolate) apple cider ayataka green tea beer: sapporo, carlsberg, heineken black sesame soy milk chrysanthemum tea coke zero kombucha (scoop) - lemongrass pear juice from korea schweppes soda water sparkling ice lemon tea walnut milk with coconut flower nectar water: ice mountain 4 bottles of natural wine 3 bottles of store-bought wine [04.04.20] want to eat loong fatt tau sar piah anki flashcards seems like a cool way to learn a language [28.04.20] she called me out of nowhere (8 mins), and i burst into tears [27.04.20] he called me out of nowhere (66 mins), i felt so pleased/touched every time i think you're slipping from my hands, you surprise me, (here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten) [18.04.20] made a list of drinks in my fridge (in alphabetical order): 100 plus (no sugar) almond milk (1x roasted, 1x dark chocolate, 1x unsweetened) apple cider ayataka green tea beer: sapporo, carlsberg, heineken black sesame almond milk w pro & prebiotics cereal milk from tmbh chardonnay x2 chrysanthemum tea coke zero kombucha (remedy) - raspberry lemonade, ginger berry kombucha (the source) - strawberry lavender melon tea oatly sparkling ice lemon tea sparkling water: gerolsteiner, san pell walnut milk with coconut flower nectar water: evian, ice mountain ordering a matcha set online... but none of the chawans appeal to me... :( ------ the typefaces of are droolworthy imagining what it would be like if i had taken the designer path instead [14.04.20] today i found out Ulay passed away in March this year i watched the video of their 2010 MoMA interaction three times, each time tearing more than the last marina's eyes when she saw him and how they looked lifeless before, her reaching for him, the way he looks at her, the way he shakes his head as if to tell her how much he hurts, her eyes when she opens them after he's left, as if hoping he'd still be there "If I should meet thee, after long years, how should I greet thee, with silence and tears." i wonder how marina took the news of his passing. what is the word for yearning for another person's love/pain 'sirens of the sea' is stuck in my head [feb 20; backpost] it's like i'm falling into an ocean to be drowned by myself what is the word for wanting to ruin everything but ruin nothing at the same time? ------ RECIPES: - - TO READ: - - - - - - - - - - -

things i like

  • making lists
  • the words: slip, revolve, exquisite
  • floral arrangement, wheel throwing
  • smells: baked bread, rain, fresh laundry, oranges being peeled
  • reading in a park when it's 15-20°c
  • ♪ jan, tinlicker, boris


  • eggs
  • spring onions / chives
  • kinder bueno
  • pandan
  • oat milk lattes
  • rice & bread

objects of desire

  • byredo room spray - cotton poplin / fleur fantome / tree house
  • matcha set: chasen, chasen naoshi, chashuku, chawan
  • liforme yoga mat
  • kaneko kohyo tea/coffee cup
  • more AdV


  • white/pink peonies
  • black dahlias
  • orange ranunculus
  • white/iridescent orchids
  • white tulips
  • white/black anemones