[07.08.20] what am i doing w my life... http://www.jamus.name/research/chapter0.pdf
started on https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/captioned/ and didn't even continue aft 1 lecture
pastries: babka, choux, craquelin, creme mousseline, choc entremet, choc cremeux, croissant, danish, doughnuts, invert puff, kouign amann, madeleines, mascarpone, mango tart, millefeuille, opera, paris brest, petit gateaux, pain au chocolat, pita, piped sponge, whipped ganache
[20.07.20] the most emotionally distant from you i've ever felt
[19.07.20] weird morning to wake up to, felt a noticeable lack of affection, felt like suddenly n didn't want this any more (bc of the conversation we had had the night before where i told him abt my conversation w amanda) also felt (weirdly) surprised when he pointed out that his moods swing too (honestly to me he feels like a wall most of the time except the rare occasions that he isn't) but maybe i have been too harsh and not as understanding/empathetic as i shld be, so *note to self* right here
which just brings me back to the mismatch of emotional needs & being able to handle them. i just don't want to be a burden :(
somehow i mustered the courage to tell n that i know he loves me, i love him to, but also to seriously consider if <this> is smth he wants (i.e. being w me means having to meet my emotional needs, to me it seems too much for him, esp at this time in his life, and maybe even not during this time it might still be an unnecessary effort...)
to which he responded by telling me how much he loves me
i am not sure if i should bring this up again / there isn't really a concrete answer
this week will be a busy week & i want to try to not be dependent as much as possible (following kat's advice to be more independent) but we shall see how this goes
i am really enjoying dave dresden's club quarantine 76...
[17.07.20] playing vb made me feel so happy!!!! my arms are bruised, the sunset was beautiful. it was a brilliant day. all the pics turned out nice. people were nice, vibes were chill... nails on my toes are now semi-matte from being in sand all day
[16.07.20] a bad thurs in which i cried for ages & felt a lot of emotional pain/sadness.. & A came to the rescue. i was so miserable on this day
[26.06.20] the loneliness hits, the anxiety returns
[25.06.20] re-read a post by sarita from (05/05/19): Just like my name, I have an extreme personality, and I tend to sit on both ends of the spectrum. I don’t know how to just like something, I always let it consume me. when I’m interested in something, I simply cannot get enough of it until I am immersed in it from all angles. When I’m not, I’m completely tuned out. Unfortunately this makes me move on to the next thing fairly quickly.
When you live in the extremes, you tell yourself, “I must follow my head, and not my heart.” Or you tell yourself, “I must follow my heart and ignore my head.” It feels impossible to have a bit of both. Trying to get back to the “grey zone” can feel a bit like being adrift at sea. There is no firm land to place your feet on, because comfort is found only in the tangible solid land of the extremes. Although I don’t necessarily identify with the article in its entirety, you can find the link to the article in my bio.
I’m trying to become more aware of my emotional pendulum.
It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply
― David Jones
Having quoted that,
I would rather
die of passion
than of boredom
― Vincent Van Gogh
extremely unmotivated unproductive day
can't believe i talked about my feelings like an adult in an adult r/s
an emotional rollercoaster week
cried in car on tues night, ended up sleeping at n's
got locked in his room (the door handle broke) and only left on weds evening
extreme revelations occurred: family is really so important to me, i'd say almost like the most important thing. and how much i've craved for a stable, strong family nucleus (it's all i've ever wanted) & always felt happiest when that was around. and now that my family has been displaced it's those feelings of instability & uncertainty resurfacing
thought this morning abt how opening up to to friends is like therapy, except you're more vulnerable bc u actly care abt what they think of u (as opposed to a therapist) shoutout to nat & alister whom i hv achieved a level of ~Trust & Comfort~ with
want to create a series of t-shirts & caps surrounding these concepts
possible slogans are like
- Some Things Are Better Said
- Always tired, still woke
the "depression" started yesterday, not sure what part of the day, felt worse after running, almost as if the running intensified it
spent a good part of the night in tears, crying, slept horribly, pretty sure i had nightmares, woke up sweating many times despite sleeping with the aircon on
woke up startled and reached for <someone who wasn't there>, felt immediate pain in my chest
lay in bed for an extremely long time, felt unable to move, felt no need to move or reply any of the 20+ messages received
would cry in spurts every 20 mins or so, uncontrollable tears, coming on for no reason, esp when i heard the lyrics
'if heartache was a physical pain/ i could face it i could face it
but you're hurting me from inside of my head/ i can't take it, i can't take it'
continued to feel extremely depressed until ~4 pm, when i suddenly felt the need to reply n
felt momentary happiness when i saw 'incoming facetime call'
and almost immediate sadness again, feeling like shit abt feeling my happiness depend on someone else, someone i can't even bring myself to be honest with
only last night did i again feel like cutting off contact/ it's almost like this is a recurring subject bc the last time i felt this was exactly one month ago (the weekend of mbs) but i'll feel stupid if i tell him again. i read a quote about 'projecting yr trauma/baggage onto others' and if that isn't me well...
i don't know how to actively stop it, i need help. but i'm also afraid to ask for it
i don't want to be the one that feels more.. i feel like i'm falling in love WHILE i see so many issues, & i don't want to list them bc then it'd be more real & i'd then have a reason to not continue this.
like i'm asking myself if i feel:
excited re future
and the answer to everything is 'no'
i feel crazy, i don't know if i'm expecting too much, overthinking, being over anxious...
or just demanding what i think i deserve?
maybe i just don't deserve this, i'm not meant for it
i just spent ~1 hr reading about expectations & i think i will discuss the foundations of a gd r/s
trust - most of the time, like 90% except for that one time in the middle of the night
affection - i can't wrap my head around not feeling enough
commitment - ????
honesty - don't feel like i can talk abt what troubles me
respect - no issues on this front
tired of reading for tonight, will catch up on these tomorrow:
I definitely am crazy now
made another drink inventory
100 plus (no sugar)
almond milk (dark chocolate)
ayataka green tea
beer: sapporo, carlsberg, heineken
black sesame soy milk
kombucha (scoop) - lemongrass
pear juice from korea
schweppes soda water
sparkling ice lemon tea
walnut milk with coconut flower nectar
water: ice mountain
4 bottles of natural wine
3 bottles of store-bought wine
[04.04.20] want to eat loong fatt tau sar piah
anki flashcards seems like a cool way to learn a language
[28.04.20] she called me out of nowhere (8 mins), and i burst into tears
[27.04.20] he called me out of nowhere (66 mins), i felt so pleased/touched
every time i think you're slipping from my hands, you surprise me,
(here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten)
the typefaces of https://vj-type.com/ are droolworthy
imagining what it would be like if i had taken the designer path instead
today i found out Ulay passed away in March this year. i watched the video of their 2010 MoMA interaction three times, each time tearing more than the last
marina's eyes when she saw him and how they looked lifeless before, her reaching for him, the way he looks at her, the way he shakes his head as if to tell her how much he hurts, her eyes when she opens them after he's left, as if hoping he'd still be there
"If I should meet thee, after long years, how should I greet thee, with silence and tears."
i wonder how marina took the news of his passing. what is the word for yearning for another person's love/pain
it's like i'm falling into an ocean to be drowned by myself
what is the word for wanting to ruin everything but ruin nothing at the same time?