November 4 and 5, 2024 - midnight *Preface: sorry this is all over the place, as per usual* Hello, to whoever decided to read this. Thank you! This is going to start out as me talking about myself, but feel free to stick around, as my mind will inevitably go elsewhere and I could write something interesting (unlikely, but still). I got a 90 on my Reformation test!! I feel bad because I think I set the curve (I guessed on a bunch, it was mostly luck which honestly makes me feel even worse), but the teacher's a pretty nice grader so maybe not. I'm supposed to be writing a paper on macroeconomics (which I know nothing about, but I had the freedom to choose any topic and settled on that for whatever reason, so I only have myself to blame), but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything lately. I know it'll catch up to me soon, but it's been really nice to do nothing all day. I'm pretty sure I'm burnt out, but that leads me to my next topic. I have no motivation in life, but at the same time (because I'm contradictory and I suck), I care too much about literally everything. I'm not religious, and my depression mainly manifests itself as as anhedonia (inability/decreased ability to feel pleasure), so I honestly have nothing going on that makes me want to try. Or, for that matter, keep living, but suicide isn't fun by any means. I'm in this strange in-between where everything makes me feel worse, but simultaneously nothing at all. For the past few months I've been tortured by the question of what I want: for Christmas, as a career, in life, etc. As a human being (and a lazy one at that), I'm trying to find a simple solution to a clearly complex problem, so I obviously have no clue what I want. I think part of the problem is that despite being extremely self-absorbed and obsessed with my own individualism, the entire basis of personality is pleasing other people. As the reader, you've probably noticed a pattern of self-deprecation and apologies in my writing, which is my attempt to not come off as arrogant. So, in a spontaneous act of self-prioritization, I'm going to stop writing now (but probably continue later) because I'm sleepy and my pillow is calling my name. It's an hour later and I'm back. I haven't gotten any work done, but I'm in that state of exhaustion where I feel like I'm numb and floating and falling all at once. I had some type of epiphany like four seconds ago that I absolutely forgot, but considering my current condition, it was probably nonsense anyway. Good night/morning, or whatever time it is for you! Thank you for deciding to read this out of all possible things you could do. Nov 4, 2024 - 1am Doesn’t it really suck that out of all possible arrangements of atoms, we got this? It could be worse - we could all develop some type of weird contagious prion disease that causes both literal and ego death (completely random example, nothing to do with my worst fears, but I digress). It could just be me, though. You’d think that with all eight billion of us, I’d be able to *someone* who just gets it, but our differences make us beautiful and whatnot. Not that I disagree - human diversity is honestly beautiful, and one of very few consistently interesting things on our pitiful planet. That’s a lie, by the way. Just about everything is interesting, I’m just in a bad mood. On that note, I think it’s stupid for me to be thinking about things like this at all. I should be studying for my Reformation test (it took place in the 1500s, maybe??? Couldn’t tell you), but instead I’m ruminating like the little egoist I am. There’s nothing I can do about any of this: human nature is subjectivity, and just about every thought we have is long predetermined by unforgiving evolution that makes us scared of violence but also sadistic. Our attention spans are so short that I, the person who’s writing this, forgot what i wrote a sentence ago (which explains why this will inevitably be all over the place and convoluted, but this is anonymous, so free at last!!!). It saddens me every day (as does everything else, but that’s for my visibly frustrated therapist to hear about) that so many people refuse to realize that we’re all just malformed monkeys who figured out how to replace bananas with stocks (still don’t get those) and systematically oppress other monkeys. Unfortunately, we are slaves to biology, and no matter how kind I want to be, my monkey brain still wants more bananas than the other monkeys. As a result, I can never quench my insatiable loneliness, because being around other people makes me feel as thought my intestines are slowly being pulled inside out before being peeled layer by layer by a dull butter knife. Guilt and shame are spelled in too much of an aesthetically pleasing way to convey the pure self hatred I feel in every interaction. Sorry this turned into a vent, I’m self absorbed and I apologize for that. To however is *still* reading this, thank you. I’m glad that out of so many other things you could do, you chose to listen to some sad stranger pathetically attempt to make their scrambled thoughts cohesive. You’re the first person to do that for me, so I am genuinely grateful. I hope that wherever you are, your week is great, and the weather is just how you like it :)