MAY 5.23.2024 - off work. i want to do something with my time now but gardening in the sun leaves me so sleepy. i want to write poetry but have no ideas for a poem 5.19.2024 - the year is over and i'm home. feeling absolutely fucking exhausted in body mind and heart but i suppose i can feel a shred of myself starting to maybe try to regrow. like when i accidentally made all of that plant's leaves soggy with too much moisture and then the heat of the room that night but the whole thing regrew leaf by leaf right from the dirt with considerable efficiency. i have to plant these plants that are just in jars on my desk since i brought them home from school. i need to get in touch with my second internship person. i need to have something to eat. i need to rahhrhahrahrhahhhh i miss my girlfriend ... 5.16.2024 - haven't been fully awake since 5.7.2024. don't check for an entry there - there isn't one - but that's when i died. 5.15.2024 - i'm going blind, okay? we all have our patterns. i have to hold my face silly close to the screen to see what i'm typing here, but this font actually makes it easier to see than many platforms. 5.14.2024 [12:23 a.m.] - night two of lily's nyquil adventure 5.13.2024 [1:48 a.m.] - the nyquil is making my limbs fall asleep one by one. 5.13.2024 [1:25 a.m.] - absolutely positively atrociously exhausted. not sure if it's just the molly comedown or it's really time for me to evaluate whether i have autism. i feel like there are so many lonely people peripherally around me and if i was a nicer person i could totally change their lives. but i fucking am who i am. my water bottle still smells like lemonade kombucha vodka. took a nyquil. i think it's working because it was very hard for me to figure out how to spell nyquil. considering the nyquil dependency again (see 3.24.2024). could make something great out of that post-mortem (ex: my grandmother's nyquil dependency after my grandfather's death and my nyquil dependency during um. freshman year finals week) but i'm not sure if it's practical for me to develop a dependency (not saying addiction because i'm not tripping i just like the ritual of swallowing the squishy pill and feeling tragic and falling asleep like i'm falling into the ground) because i want to write an essay about it later. this has been the year i've realized i do not want to be a college youtuber and i would like to be the next joan didion but the same facts about me are preventing me from doing either of those things. i want to be more interesting and less sad because i have a hard time finding sadness interesting. the squishy pill thing with nyquil really is neat-- more pills (ex: lithium, advil, adhd medications other than adderall) should consider this model. these notes could come in handy if i write that essay. going to write this idea down in one of my analog notebooks. it's so interesting to me how private those are and how public this is. but those are sitting on my desk and this is hidden in plain site (pun) 5.10.2024 [11:04 a.m. - quite pleasing number] - going to get a matcha and a pesto bagel (a very green breakfast [lunch?]) plus i'm quite glad i've gotten my paycheck today. 5.9.2024 - i feel like my thoughts are coming down with the rain: vague, even layers, like a very light and meaningless croissant. not a compelling pastry. 5.8.2024 - happened yesterday at 11:11 a.m. exactly. i ran out of steam. i hit the wall. i've officially overexploited my resources and now i am completely fucked. 5.6.2024 - my eyes hurt all the time 5.5.2024 - beautiful gay sunday with my girlfriend. brunch and a walk and *** ******** ** and then i took a shower and ate lunch and we just got ice pops from the korean grocery and now we're about to write... listening to car seat headrest. using the old material of nostalgia and mixing it with new emotion. 5.4.2024 [2:45 p.m.] - disjointed and unsatisfied. i'm irritated with the cold air blowing on me, the grossness of this kitchen, the lack of interesting things to do on this computer 5.3.2024 - i hate being in publication mode.... i love being in publication mode.... rahh 5.1.2024 - ohhhh the inconvenience of having people who love you. i could just moan on and on about it. APRIL summary 30. i think sometimes i pin stuff on 'i need to go home' when i'm feeling a wider sense of not belonging/being satisfied with/resting anywhere. as if school is where i have my real life and home is a dreamland. i feel when people talk about loneliness they think of it as an abstract, reaching thing, like a mist coming off one's body, but with me it's concrete, a feeling like something crumpled up inside me trying to unfold but there's not enough room. 28. i think i want to quit smoking but it's hard. i'm not used to having someone caring about me like my girlfriend does-- sometimes it feels kind of constraining. 26. i'm so sick of getting paid and finding it's less than i expected. destroyer is great music for people who wish david bowie was still alive. 25. interesting talk in cinema class damaged by the fact that the people in that class are like legitimately stupid. reddit cat image is there any way to make my cinema class smarter because they are actually a different level of stupid. anyone know what i'm referencing? 24. i am telling my friends that my symptom is i feel no light in my heart, which is true, but materially i am just very much ill in the physical sense, less so mentally. no dreams last night-- took nyquil before i went to bed. i could totally become dependent on nyquil if that felt of interest. 23. had another sex dream about someone i'm not interested in. i wonder what the purpose of that is supposed to be.