** Monday 25 March (18:41) I wanna be captivated in 5 minutes I said to myself walking into McNally Jackson Books. ** Sunday 23 March (22:26) I’m going to be swagged out. I got a street dawg from two Berkeley students who each found $5 in their wallets to pay for it. As i said im autonarrating and im not expounding. I wanna say, the ferry is a top 3 mode of transport gotta be. Any mode of transport that has booths with tables is elite in my opinion. Yesterday I walked along mission street and i had a grand time. Either I need plaid in my life or that’s just another lie sold to me by big textile Shut the ** Thursday 20 March (20:25) I’m going to redo everything. I’m going to reinvent myself while listening to mid west emo. I’m going to drive at 3000 kilometres per hour as the moon rises and you will all feel the earth rumble, a revolting ripple through your subconscious, saying: I have stolen it from you. I’m diving. I’m edging toeward. I’m standing on the board, it flexing. Don’t rush me. I’m seeing secular crosses sewn into encaustic paintings. The simplest armature, one bar laid on another. I’m speaking, I’m listening, and I’m deciding. I’m not sure I want anything I don’t already have. I’ve been playing Mamazala cos I found someone who can sing. ** Tuesday 11 Feb 2025 (11:59pm) This is my journal. Time is flying again (we are approaching mid-March after all). I’ve been finding. Phone ringing and giving (I got 2 numbers, I got two versions, etc). Defensively, I think, “feel my soul. How little everything else matters”. Last night I dreamt of graduation day. A friend a dropout and smiling. A trip to the creek. A fast ride in an old car. [1] Last night I dreamt of someone. Somewhere between a slut and a soulmate, not quite either. She will always be an old friend. Snippets [2]. [1] It came to rest on the side of the road in a cloud of dark red sub-Saharan dust. The steering wheel came off when we turned a corner. We had just about arrived. I got out and continued on foot. [2] if I had to design an ASCII logo it would be ).m. and I like it. I want to print a nyctograph and I think I would probably use it (word to Lewis Carroll). I narrowly avoided dressing like a millennial today. I feel like dress is very important now. I just did an enormous sneeze. I’m going to bed now. ** Monday 24 Feb 2025 (18:24pm) Summit again. Summer again, afternoon plaits Watching insincere dimness Double hit with the hi toms again Ringlets or runflats or Turning around and running right back! After school is done I’m coming right back ** Thursday 13 Feb 2025 (9:25pm) Der Riese, Chloe Cherrie, midnight blues, Heat 1995, mountain confessionals, "this cereal tastes like cardboard", the few weeks in school when Black Eyed Peas had just released their last album and everyone was listening “Tonight’s Gonna be a Good Night”, admitting defeat, etc ** Tuesday 11 Feb 2025 (3:50pm) Often what I come up with you’ve already said. Your sable hair, on a dog day, but it's colder here Or a summer's day Painted bright with blues I feel you drift away On a Thursday Afternoon I'm sitting, I hang my feet over the world's edge When you call me and I hear your motions, what does that mean? Some kind of slowing feeling Like a spiralling or spinning But each period drawls quieter each moment more minute than the last ** Sunday 9 Feb 2025 (10:55pm) … father son sister etc ** Thursday 6 Feb 2025 (10:34pm) It really is bed time. I watched a slim twig fall out of my book. The last time I opened it you and I were far away. It reminds me of that other zone and it reminds me of, 14, pulling board games played on holiday out of the cupboard, sitting on the low table in the dim sunlight after school and before dinner, smelling, aching. My first memory of yearning. Take me out of School and peace to the Dunes. The night-lit towers are my wardens and they will watch over me as i sleep. Peace to the world and I’ll see you tomorrow. ** Wednesday 5 feb 2025 (10:59pm) I'm looting and listening. I'm cribbing off Emma, I'm following a thread. I'm deducing and autodidacting. I am AutoDict, [a system that analyzes input data records, and discovers high quality dictionaries using information theoretic techniques]. I'm autonarrating and auphoric and mentioned and (over)exposed. Eaerlier she gave me a special treat, some kind of view that went way up and way down. I went out of my house and looked toward the mountain and drove there swiftly and easily. I climbed up the biggest boulder I could find. I had some kind of vision. Imagine reaching your hand out in front of you and grabbing and fanning your world like a deck of cards. I don’t think I’ve ever left this place. I've been thinking a lot about waking and breaking promises and trying to decipher and speak in parables and I've been dreaming and when I wake up I'm still inside my dream. **tuesday 4 February 2025 (10:38 pm) Took my girlfriend home listening to jazz ballads on the radio (bless FMR). As we rounded and crested the corner of Philip Kgosana Drive, the moon snuck out, crescent and animated, like a caricature, and ridiculously yellow, like it was dipped in melted butter. It beamed at us so unexpectedly that we both burst out laughing, turning to each other, giggling in chorus. Now I sit in my car outside her apartment. I’ve been here for so long my car’s radio has turned off twice. I’m going to turn it back on again now, and then I’ll drive home. ** Monday 3 February 2025 (10:19 am) Incredible how time passes when you blink. Today I start my new job. Since my previous entry I've started and ended 1 job and 1 'dance-with-the-devil'-style entrepreneurial jaunt. I ran out of the house today so fast, in some form of bodily processing (I <3 processing, I <3 spinning, I <3 longing, etc), that I think I only really realised that I left after I came back. Does that make sense? I keep listening to babyxsosa in my head. I am very happy to let you know I'M GOING TO NYC AND USA!!!!!. Over the past few weeks it has felt sort of obvious that it will blow my mind culturally and likely spiritually also. I've been saying I'll go to the USA for more than a year now but I really am about to go IMHO. As it closens, last night, I tried to imagine what it would really be like. A thought came to me: am I pinning too much on this trip? What if it is, like everything is, likely to be median? If you will let me ramble, I promise I will keep it brief: if you think: what is the most likely outcome of something I care about? and aren't happy with the answer, you can change the most likely outcome! And the most likely outcome is the one that is most likely to happen! Whenever I start a new job I frame it within my life and find two questions surfacing. Where is this taking me and What am I giving up? I love money and I think I tell myself it is taking me there. But I'm not really sure that's true. I think more will unfold on this, I'm sure. One more thing! I went to the Twist magazine launch / party / hangout and was telling Sam about The Great Work (Thomas Berry) and I only realised then in that conversation how it seems to fit into everything quite snugly! As in, I think there actually may be exactly a spiritual-connection-to-nature sized hole in our Grand Plan / Zeitgeist / Dominant Discourse. Maybe instead of formalising economically externalised costs, we engender a spiritual relating to nature that limits the externalisation of costs entirely. What a pleasant surprise. Rationalism obviously becomes useless at the self, but it looks like there's a verdant valley of non-rationalist solution-making that can birth real effective answers and justice at exactly the points where rationalism fails. I'm being a bit vague but hopefully that idea makes you smile a little bit too. **tuesday 23 April 2024 (4:30 pm) I decided that if I put a task in my calendar, if I don't end up doing it for whatever reason, I must make that a conscious decision by removing it from my calendar. I went to gym and plotted on business, it was kind of sick! **tuesday 23 april 2024 (00:29 am) Stayed in my apartment all day today. Missing my girlfriend a little bit. The pavlov effect is when my monday evening meeting ends and I want to see her. Oh well. I am definitely weirder when she is not around. It's not just because I'm quitting my job that I am feeling more explorative; I think I also crave, and so work harder for, the social satisfaction of finding and engaging with people I find interesting. The flowering of many people's self-induced creative initiatives during covid is what I'm reminded of. It was like everyone had some interesting thing that they were busy with. I feel like that is me now. Otherwise: Have been planning to make something with my mince (1kg!) for almost a week now. It must be used! Must be burger patties. Need eggs. Lastly: I read something about social relations that aren't clout-oriented by https://sadgrl.online. Clout is stupid in general.