This profile exposes the chatterbox side of me. I enjoy thinking that very few people will have the patience to read most of this.
Do you wanna hear me ramble? Then click on me sometimes.
You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
****February 9, 2020****
I am officially sick! Annoying. I used to not get sick, and this is the second time in a couple of months. I do not have Coronavirus, and I only slept about 5 hours last night, but my brain is alert and zooming (but without any topics...it's all just movement), so here I am, hoping to slow my brain down with my typing. I was hoping I could do some errands, but I think my body shouldn't really move. I moved my body the last couple of days, and I think it was a mistake.
I think I like being a maximalist now because it exposes who I really am. It is easy to hide behind some carefully chosen words (or not so carefully chosen...), but the problem is that people always projected the wrong image onto me that way. ANYWAY, right now I'm drinking a magnesium drink, hoping that it will cure me, and I am trying to avoid looking at social media, etc, so that my brain doesn't get activated. I looked at the news briefly, which made me question reality, so now I'm trying to plan out a day where I can sit still and rest but not feel the despair of boredom and the world. I don't really want to take NyQuil, but I might have to. My consciousness wants to be clobbered.
I wish I could care about things more sometimes. Some people seem to care about so many things. Do you think that they're pretending?
****February 10, 2020****
I love the look of today's date: 021020.
My birthday was earlier this month, and I also felt pleased with how that looked: 02022020.
I have had this weird belief that this is going to be my best year ever because I love 2s.
I wonder if this belief will come true.
****February 11, 2020****
So far I think I am beating everyone through sheer volume/quantity. I am not sure if I should be proud.
Yesterday I looked at cats at the Humane Society. Or, I looked at the tops of heads. There were not many cats, and I was told that they fly in cats from places like Hawaii and California to boost the cat population there.
There were a lot of typical "cat ladies" there, which made me feel kind of sad. Or maybe I shouldn't feel sad. They have a passion. And what do I have? An interest in cats but not a passion. An interest in things overall but with no passion. The cat ladies should feel sad for ME.
I can't stop thinking about how finding a cat feels like finding a romantic partner or something, so I found it kind of disturbing. I wondered to myself, "Would I like a cat with a great personality but who I found ugly?" I personally am drawn to unique-looking and large-sized cats. I am not aware of myself enough to know exactly what my tendencies might be for humans. Somehow articulating it seems crude, and I'd rather leave it up to chance to decide. I also wondered if I'm the type of cat who should be alone or be with others.
****February 12, 2020****
Looked at cameras today because I like gadgets too much. Skin on my nose peeled as if it was burned.
Thought "Wish I could travel all of the time" and immediately regretted it because it sounds like the most annoying thing to think, even though I guess it's a true feeling. I remember in my senior year of high school, in English class, we had to give speeches about advice we'd give ourselves for the future, and a guy named Lee who wore polo shirts, button-ups, and khaki pants with boat shoes said that he would take the advice his father always told him: "Travel, travel, travel." Even though I was very naive and silly then, even I sensed that that seemed like very silly, empty advice. I don't remember what my speech was about.
****February 13, 2020****
I need to get mics for YouTube. Right now I am uploading a video while drinking wine while watching L.'s Twitch stream and chatting on the Twitch stream. I used to be really afraid of Twitch and livestreaming, but now I like it, and I find listening to people I know online's voices comforting. I do not feel dread, and my computer is overheating.
****February 14, 2020****
I wrote a lot, but I didn't save. I will try to recount what I wrote:
- I spent time looking at Instagram story lyrics to Boys Age songs.
- Most indie music seems kind of silly and pointless to me, for the most boring people in the world, but Boys Age seems different, maybe because their lyrics are mostly unintelligible to me. That makes them relatable.
- Reading the lyrics felt like little stars pulsating in my brain.
- I felt inspired to pick up the guitar again, but I didn't. There was a thick layer of dust on my electric guitar, which I wiped down. I'm not very good at cleaning, so I probably didn't wipe all of the dust off.
- Talking about lyrics and bands made me feel like I was on Livejournal, which made me wonder if I've changed at all all of these years. I said happy birthday to my Livejournal friend on Instagram yesterday. I think the most I've changed is that my voice gets 1 decibel louder every year.
"I while dreaming of a day isn't today" - "Postcards Holiday"
"God will be enjoying the human beings squirm" - "God Will Test You Through the PC Screen"
"Tears filled on the sky
It is ready to cry
Their spirits to fly
It will spill from sky rim" - "Skyrim"
"I have to isolate the bread for guests
I have to well treat guests" - "What Was Your Name"
"That will mellow like an apple in honey
That's a good fellow to me. things what matchless
It may be on the highest summit of somewhere
I would like to devote my utmost for it" - "The Highest Moon"
****February 15, 2020****
Today is not quite the end of the day or the very beginning of the day, when I usually write, but I will write right now, mostly because I don't think the desire will come to me later, and I feel sleepy already, and it's not even 5pm yet.
Right now I feel my teeth against my tongue. My teeth are slightly crooked, which sort of upsets me sometimes, just because it feels like a sign that I lack control, and I was born this way...to be me. I cleaned up slightly today. I am not very good at cleaning, and I have to take many breaks and lack focus. It can me an entire day just to clean one tiny area. If I was going to be born again (as me again or whoever else) and could make requests, maybe I would request that I enjoy the process of cleaning. I feel like it would be satisfying to clean something, but I don't get that feeling of satisfaction cleaning.
I enjoy writing about little things like this because I feel like it's personal, and yet you don't have very much information about what I did today, who I might have saw, music I might have listened to, and so on.
****February 16, 2020****
I'm thinking of re-doing my favorites strategy, but I am not going to change it. I am going to stick with what I have done.
I have joined the Mushroom People. I thought about changing it after I selected it, but again, I am going to stick with what I have done.
I am enjoying looking at https://nyc.phantomwifi.com/ and seeing how it changes every day.
I am touching my teeth with my tongue again. Teeth are still a little crooked.
One time I read that people who start sentences with "I" a lot are more depressed than other people.
Going to see what it feels like to add some space:
****February 17, 2020****
Talking a lot is like talking very little. I become white noise.
I am trying to post the last six YouTube videos I watched, but now I'm realizing several of them are YouTube links I clicked on here. So, next time I will make sure to update my YouTube list first before I go clicking on things on here. That seems suitably more embarrassing and revealing, even though I don't think anyone will notice what I'm doing. That's even better...
The electricity went out, and the wifi went down. I felt all alone. I wonder if there's anything more boring than someone talking about their job.
****February 18, 2020****
I feel like no one really wanted to make small talk with me most of my life at coffee shops and stores and places like that, and all of a sudden in the past year, people seem to want to make small talk with me. I wonder if I look different now or something. I remember being impressed/confused when people I knew seemed to develop an easy rapport with strangers in the service industry. Today I got a cold brew, and the barista who had a full sleeve of tattoos on his left arm talked to me. He looked like a teenager. He didn't have braces, but he had a look that reminded me of braces.
I don't think I'm at the "rapport" part with strangers in the service industry, but I usually now try to sort-of keep the small talk going for a little while, even though it makes me feel uncomfortable. Like, I will ask a question based on their small talk or make a small comment instead of just nodding. Sometimes people interpret this as a signal that I will accept anything they say, so sometimes they tell me kind of personal or sort of weird things. I kind of enjoy this in retrospect, but I feel uncomfortable usually when it's happening. Also, sometimes they seem to want to continue talking to me, and someone will get in line behind me, and I feel bad that I might be holding up the line.
I don't think most people are trying to hit on me or something when making small talk, although I guess I don't actually know. I have a very strong memory of going to B&H Photo when I was 19 years old, and I bought something, and the clerk (who was young...in his early 20s, I think) made flirtatious small talk by asking how old I was, and when I told him my age, he gave me a big smile and said I looked 16 years old. I remember that this comment haunted me because I was like, "Wait, is looking 16 years old supposed to be better than looking 19 years old?" I didn't actually say that out loud. When I was 27 years old, a bartender non-flirtatiously told me I looked 16 years old, and I remember thinking back on the B&H Photo comment, and I was confused whether it was supposed to be a compliment or an insult. I remember my friend looked at me when the bartender made the comment because I think I looked annoyed.
I don't think I look 16 years old anymore.
Update 2: I have added soph1rite as a favorite because she emailed me, and I wanted to keep an eye out (I hope it's okay that I'm revealing this. Let me know if not!) on her profile. Now I have only one favorite left, which gives me a little anxiety, but I'm rolling with it.
I'm enjoying listening to Sophie's songs on Bandcamp: https://soupgrl1996.bandcamp.com/. I like how Sophie's music can sound dreamy/calming at times, and at other times, there's a sort of frenetic/hyper meta & self-conscious energy. The latter energy feels very "internet" to me. Kind of electric and aware of the performative nature of being online. I feel like I bounce between those two energies (dreamy/internet-y) all of the time.
"Yaaahhhh............. I made this Song Bich
bitch you know you rock
said last month to me
month of march was so bad but maybe
i'll learn to stop
getting in black holes
finally see what's cool
i've paid lots of tolls
made fake chicken salad
but i'm vegan
actually i eat eggs
now and again
..........!!!!" - "March Recipe"
I just realized it's going to be March soon.
I liked looking at Sophie's website earlier, too: https://sophiefields.com/
I see that Sophie is in Richmond, which reminds me of how I've been thinking about going on "tour" on the East Coast one day. I need to visit people in nyc, Virginia, and Montreal, and I think it would be cool to drive or take the train along the coast. I don't know why I say "tour"...sometimes treating myself as a cartoon character/celebrity makes me feel less nervous about things in general, like I can get outside of myself, but I guess it's sort of the equivalent of referring to myself in the 3rd person, which is annoying. Deep breaths, deep breaths.
I haven't been to Richmond in a really long time, but the few times I've been there have always been in the summer, so I tend to think of it as really hot, and it reminds me of asphalt.
****February 19, 2020****
For the past three months, people around me have continuously doing social media fasts. People on here are doing that now, and it made me wonder: Is this an Official Trend? I know people who have done it in the past, but it seems like people are doing it in full-force recently.
I thought about doing one earlier this month because I became so excessive last month, but I decided not to, since my excessiveness was naturally going back down, and I feel like it's better to do it later...when no one else is doing a fast. Sometimes I wonder if I intentionally became so excessive in January because other people were starting to take social media breaks around November & December, and this maybe planted a seed in my mind to do the opposite. I don't think this is necessarily a good thing, but reverse psychology and “always having to be a little different” really works on me. For instance, this is how I act on here:
- “oh, people are microblogging? I will MACRO-blog then”
- “oh, people want to sound smart and ‘composed’? I will try to embarrass myself some then, and I will just write whatever pops into my head”
I feel like I need to stop doing this, at least for a little bit. Maybe I'll do a Reverse Psychology fast one day.
I have done social media breaks unintentionally in the past. My consumption of media/my attention in general has been kind of erratic over the years, and there were times when nothing on social media really interested me very much, and there are other times when I’ve been (or felt like I was on) all of the time. It was kind of weird when I took those unintentional breaks because I often felt really removed from the world during those times since so much of the world’s activity is on social media now. While I do use social media in an escapist kind of way, I also use it in a way that makes me feel..."real", so I did kind of feel like I was hiding in a way.
I felt the most benefits from one of those breaks when I de-activated Facebook (I still haven’t actually deleted it because I need to go back and download my photos, and I don't want to do that), even though I didn't actually use it that often. I found it beneficial for the follow reasons:
1-I don’t really have FOMO about events anymore. I wasn’t going to attend any of the events I saw on there anyway.
2-I used Facebook to look up (non-famous) people sometimes, to check up on what they were doing. I usually use Instagram to do that now, and that feels better since I can’t really get into Instagram (I have 3 accounts right now, and I force myself to use it/use it in a detached sort of way), and I sort of like it in the sense that it seems the most upfront about being fake, which I also find boring. So, it's not that often that I get stuck down a rabbit hole, and I guess I don't feel creepy/lurk-y that much.
Do people even feel creepy/lurk-y that much anymore since it seems like that's the default mode?
I also wanted to feel less spied-on I guess, too…I left gmail as my main email account around that time, too. Do I feel much of a difference? Kind of…not in the sense that I feel less spied-on, but more in that I felt like I got reset and felt more in control or something…it wasn’t a big change.
From observing other people’s social media breaks the past several months, the breaks seem to help people the most in controlling the usage of social media for hormonal spikes.
I don't think I'm immune to the hormonal spikes, but I think my main issue with social media is it can kind of perpetuate too much dreaming and sitting still and not doing anything. However, I've had this problem since I was a child: daydreaming a lot/not living in reality. People are always amazed I can really just sit in a place for a long time and just daydream/not do anything. I don't even need a phone or computer to do this, but I can also do this with a phone or a computer. I wonder if it's all about proportions, and I just need to tweak the proportions of dreaming/not-dreaming, or maybe I should try to not...dream very much? That sounds kind of sad when I write it down, but it would probably help me.
Daria sent me a song, and it's really good. I am listening to it right now. One day you will be able to hear it, too :) It makes me feel kind of dreamy but in a concrete kind of way. Maybe that's what's next: Concrete dreaming.
****February 20, 2020****
today is a nice date, too: 022020.
it is my mother's birthday.
pirl, I've added you as favorite for...reasons :)
I'm not even trying to be mysterious...it just sort of happened, but maybe I'll keep it up for awhile, and then I'll go in full-out disclosure mode.
0 favorites left...I am complete...for now.
****February 21, 2020****
pirl, I enjoy how are we are talking through each other through these pages.
It's funny how this feels more comfortable than messaging for me.
pirl, that is very nice that your mother's birthday is 220220 in mmddy format. tomorrow I will wake up and be like "it is pirl's mother's birthday"
I feel connected to all of these dates. are there any numbers that you feel a connection towards?
I like pisces energy, although that is maybe because i have strong pisces energy (pisces rising and mars in pisces). I have strong opposing energies all at the same time, though. my energies are mostly aquarius, aries & sag, pisces/all the water signs together. do you have pisces energy, pirl?
one of my sort-of inside jokes (to myself) is is that if someone mentions a sign, then I try to talk about my chart and see how much the person rolls over in boredom.
someone I know online, carlyn wutkee, is - I just recently discovered -also a pisces rising. this excited me because pisces risings are uncommon, and I have never heard of one before (besides, like, celebrities). carlyn has has the same "ugly" thumb I have, too. I felt excited thinking of our similarities. I have always liked her presence online: http://www.carlynwutkee.com/
I am listening to the moa pillar song "water lily" right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzBxqBsEIlE
I went on a really long notes-writing session to myself last night. I will copy & paste:
- where do you think all of your memories go when you die? do you think they really disappear? do you think your memories get stored somewhere (and not like “stored through legacy and archives and genetic code” or something)
- when people talk about our world being a simulation, i’m kind of like “it would be cool if god just like turned off the simulation while i was sleeping”
- when it did it stop becoming cool to be in a band? 2013? being in a band now is like being a band nerd, i think
- i guess it’s cool being a solo artist or in a duo and also being in drain gang or something, though
- speaking of drain gang, the only drain gang member’s music i get so far is ecco2k. the ‘peroxide’ video is cool cuz windmills and dancing on an inflatable boat and stuff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs_kavGKeHI.
- according to a comment on youtube, the video was shot at the gemini wind farm:
“Gemini Wind Farm, a 600 megawatt (MW) offshore wind farm off the coast of the Netherlands. Construction started in 2015 with final commissioning in 2017.
 It is the third largest offshore wind farm on Earth, after the Walney Extension and the London Array.”
- speaking of BAND (like school bands and band camp bands): i quit band after one year in 6th grade, and people came up to me to tell me it was a shame because i was really good, and they thought i would have made it into the highest-level band (“advanced band” with mostly 9th graders). i forgot about it completely until now…i don’t regret quitting. i DO NOT regret throwing away the possibility of becoming a powerful high school band member. i feel like quitting was a sign i was starting to understand who i was.
- i haven’t thought about any of this since the 6th grade, and i’m amazed i remember so much now. the memories/data are coming at me fast…I wonder what events have happened recently that i won’t think about for decades and then will come back at me decades later in the future. and it was all triggered by DRAIN GANG. hahahah
- i hope god doesn’t archive my memories of being in band in the 6th grade
- but what if i had died in the 7th grade or something? maybe it would be important then to archive my memories of being in band in the 6th grade
- humans are equal, after all
- but i also feel like it maybe wouldn’t really matter either way
- i'm not sure i want to be archived
- disappearing doesn't really bother me, but the thought of dying does bother me
- why are all of my thoughts shower thoughts or getting high thoughts. i’m not taking a shower NOR am i high right now
- i guess everything i’ve quit has shown me who i really am or who i am becoming
- always impressed when i hear about something not going after something (and not for lack of self-confidence) because they knew deep down there was something off…i feel like i should do that more often, although i think lack of self-confidence / intuition can get really mixed up
- who i am (known after quitting band after the 6th grade): nerd-adjacent, but not actually, deep down, a nerd.
- i love adding “-adjacent” to words
- i think fundamentally a nerd really really cares about something (on a topic that is nerdy), and I feel a carelessness/restlessness/distance/misanthropy towards most things, even if i like it. i think that’s why it doesn’t usually bother me when people make fun of things i like
- i’m talking about things, though, and not humans. so, i’m not sure i can have misanthropy towards things, but i swear i can
- i feel like this is related to the darker kind of humor i have
- i told someone earlier this week that one of my curses i that i can get along with people who don’t have a dark sense of humor and people who have dark senses of humor
- people with dark senses of humor really don’t seem to get along with people who don’t
- speaking of nerds, i got hung up earlier with how funny it would be to do a cover of "A Cruel Angel's Thesis” (opening song to neon genesis evangelion)
****February 22, 2020****
* note: I hit the character limit on here, so I will start archiving
(or maybe I won't! maybe the text, if anyone looked at it, will just be archived in people's heads)
(i slip through space and time...)
hi again pirl,
- happy birthday to your mother today
- i also have cancer moon
- pisces is on your descendent. virgo is on my descendant, so that’s fun cuz you’re a virgo rising. we’re flipped!
- pisces on your descendant means that what you need in your life/relationships is pisces energy since you lack it. that means, you need more dreaming/emotion/less boundaries/creativity/dissolving into things.
- virgo is on my descendant, so that means i need more boundaries, stability, organization & groundedness/practicality/logic. that is how we're flipped
- I’m not sure i believe in any of this, which makes this even more fun. do you believe?
- what languages have you learned/are learning/know, etc?
- someone showed me this cool water bottle, and i kind of want it, even though i guess i think goop is kind of bad (btw, gwyneth paltrow: a pisces rising…lol), and also it’s $80. but it is beautiful…and it has quartz:
- i am really into quartz now because someone told me i should wear it for luck many years ago, and i never listened
i guess i don’t, deep down, think the quartz will do anything for me, but i want to believe
- i don’t think i can justify paying $80 for a beautiful water bottle, but i also keep thinking “what if that beautiful water bottle changes my life”
- maybe i will get a clear water bottle that is NOT $80 and then put a quartz inside it. what do you think? maybe that can change my life
- i know that saying this may not affect the way you’re feeling, but i think it’s fine to not to check around special fish or check the links if you’re not feeling up to it.
- i personally find links kind of tiring, and i have to be in a certain mood for them
- for instance, i feel like a lot of people might not actually click on a lot of music links people send...and might lie about that…just because so many people send those links all of the time, and music i think is dependent a lot on personal taste and mood and context. and also, music is time, and there is not enough time usually
- that’s sort of why i put embarrassing youtube links on here rather than something more curated
- i feel like it might be interesting to click through what i’m thinking about,
though i don’t expect anyone to actually to do that,
but to actually watch those videos themselves?
- i also don’t expect anyone to read what i’m writing, but i’m fine if someone wants to read all of it, too
- like i like getting links so that i know what people are thinking about, what kind of things they’re interested in the moment, and things like that, but as for actually listening…no, i would say i don’t actually really listen most of the time. or not to the whole thing, or i do it later, when i think about the thing later,
the context has to be just right for me to click on something and take it in at that very moment,
but just clicking on something i won’t really take in does give me a sort of impression that i might think about later
- i can’t tell if my attention is just terrible,
if i’m just a terrible person,
or if i’m just a very honest person
or, of course, a mixture of all of these things.
my suspicion is that most people are like me on this…
- how do others feel about communicating publicly like this? do you find it interesting? nerve-wracking? comfortable?
is it different observing it than participating in it?
- i like it, but maybe it’s i think i have developed a semi-parasocial-way of socializing on the internet
- i think i generally feel more comfortable talking as though i have an audience, however small, at least when i first talk to people online
talking 1-on-1 (which is my preferred way of talking to people IRL) in a chat seems really intimate and scary because i don’t understand what the conventions or rules are, and i think the other person is also usually unsure, as well
- there are some people who i have developed a rapport with, and i can chat with them fairly comfortably, but it took awhile (sometimes years) to get to that
but i think a lot of people understand parasocial conventions on the internet
- or maybe it’s because i have a bigger “audience” than probably the average internet user has
- and maybe i’ve just really leaned in into the parasocial without realizing it
(sound off in the comments! that is, write something on your page about this if you want. you can also email me)
youtube (I'm going to post the last six videos I looked at, no matter how embarrassing)
running through my head
I would like to tell you that
it is extremely easy for me to fill in these spaces
with whatever is in my head. I think
other people must put more thought into filling in these spaces.
This way is not better or worse. I think it's just the