april 2, 2020
i am sorry.
i do not believe in anything right now.
right now i'm really getting into things
i feel my focus coming back. i feel "in the moment" as opposed to in the past (february 2020) or in the future (march 2020)
i know it's good for me to feel "in the moment" and to feel "present" because i feel a lot more relaxed when i am in that state,
but i also feel wistful for the times when my mind is rewinding or forwarding
i guess because the past or the future feels more exciting
but i guess i do feel compelled to do Nothing when i'm trapped in the impossible walls of Past or Future
i am making a black midi track
i got out the guitar and am a guitar guy now (not for the black midi track)
i thought about learning how to skateboard, but i don't think i need yet another guy hobby
i blame my interest in guy hobbies on the fact that one of my best friends in middle school was a red-headed boy
who lived near me. we had no romantic interest in each other. his mom drove us to his house almost every day after school.
one time his mom told me when we were alone in her minivan that she had been valedictorian in her small town, and she
had been accepted into harvard, but she didn't go.
i felt sad for her because i could read in-between the lines. i could tell she had wanted to go.
we sat in his basement, where his mom did crafts (like quilting) and puzzles, and i'd watch him play n64 games.
i remember there was a big puzzle held together with clear tape hung on the wall in the basement.
i guess i played n64, too, but i only really remember watching him play n64 games.
i don't even remember the games that much.
i see colorful 3d objects floating in the air.
it makes me feel kind of bored.
imagine what my keyboard sounds like when i go like this: