4.16 So this week...I like art, poetry, the internet, indigenous rights, drag makeup, feminine performance, solitude, makeup, sharing my feelings, grimes, artificiality, and philosophy i believe in energy. 4.16 I AM LIKE OBSESSSSEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDD WITH DRAG !!!!!!!!!! I TOOK ALL THIS MAKEUP SO I COULD START DOING MAKEUP/DRAG MAKEUP!!!!!!!!! UGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM OBSESSED WITH EARTH, INTERNET, IDENTITY, PERFORMANCE, DISSOLUTION, PERFORMANCEEEEE, ARTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALIENS, CONNECTION <3 4.15 I LIKE WANNA Go to rehab. for what???? idk. for identity...........................KNOWLEDGE, MEANING, CHAOS, DRAMA! LYFE!!! 4.14 i feel very sad 4/14.20 I am failing miserably at gaining traction on art instagram because I DONT COLOR CODE MY POSTS......IN FACT ON MY ART INSTAGRAM I TRY EVEN LESS TO MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL THAN MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM. GET ME OUT OF DIS......................CONSUMERIST HELL. thank you. god bless. i made something so cute today and last night. it is so cute. SO cute. paint and um...colored pencils <3.............gradience hunny. 4/13/20 To be quite honest, if i can be honest at all, why even when we are anonymous...can we not be honest? anyway, to be QUITE honest--Uh,,, I used to live this way ALL the time. I was a prisoner of my own father's home. For...3ish years. I never used the car. My dad always took the car out. And I never had anywhere/often did not have anywhere to go anyway. So, this is something I boast "Oh, I'm so used to this. i used to be like this and very isolated, etc." While true, I would like to stop my own glorification of this, in retrospect. It is bothersome and covers something about myself, doesnt allow myself to peer into myself more closely, its just a piece of thick plastic which separates my hands from reaching in... And while I live my privileged life, in my little bubble, as I worry about the world and my parents and their health...I still worry and all the people who are hurting and all the people who have not been protected by this goddamn government and all the injustice, and all the pain...and all my privilege of sitting idly, painting a painting, contemplating coding, speaking to people frivolously (though somewhat rarely), having learned the wonderful conditioning habit of being closed off from too much pain or emotiveness... Ah, I also would like to mention, I RECENTLY IDENTIFIED (from my mother, a conversation with her that we come from a military family) and so NOW i can trace my feelings, a bit more...you know, ancestrally, ancestral trauma and all... So is the universe trying to unveil something? Or...is that false? The more I'VE Been gone from the forest, the more I think its false, or settle into thinking that... but when i enter nature, those feelings of the universe PLANNING, comes back...and that everything is communicating...and that i am at peace...and the idea of a "new earth" as all those white spiritualists call it...but i get mad at the white hippies who subscribe to capitalism, and who dont talk about race, and get angry when U talk about race. fucked up. SO fucked up. I probably spend a good portioned chunk of my day still mad at Shawnee, going (in my head) "fuck SHAWNEE", and then i try to calm myself and remind myself all the reasons my anger does me no good and her none either. Tomorrow we head to the store, my hope is that me and mom bandage our heads very well (practically) so that we are safe! apparently CNN reported Florida may be having a food shortage within a few weeks with farmworkers continuously working and not being protected by covid/aka it is spreading a lot? I dont read many news articles, just titles, and share them. ok, well im tired. all i did was finish my suburban plein air painting, post it on instagram, didnt get that many likes on it, and felt sad about not getting validation LOL. BUT! all the people who liked it WERE artsy people...so does that mean anything? Yes, idiot. LOL. it just means they appreciate it. Anyway, mel spoke with me also. It was nice. i always have a hard time speaking to people after a long period of time of having not. I get weird and anxious and touchy about it, like, NO DONT SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN, I ALREADY LEFT YOU, STOP TALKING TO ME...you know, being weird and immature bc of my brain of abandonment? Something like that. Goodnight 1:40 AM P.S. I have not been studying chinese studiously everyday...T_T I MUST BEGIN. HOW THE FUCK ELSE AM I GONNA GET NICE-R MONIES...duh...? by CODING --i am worried i dont have the brain cells, after convincing myself I DO! over the past few days, but still struggling to get past the hurdle of actually diving in and devoting SIGNIFICANT TIME. I will fucking do it. You have a brain to use! DUH. I've been painting havent i? and thats something i was fucking scared to do all the time in the past. :) just need to exercise my brain in that capacity, get comfy with exploring it (computers) :) bc we all geniuses, bitch. 4/11/20 Hello. I have continued watching more short documentary films on contemporary artists in japan on youtube. very good films. and very good artists. i continued and almost finished painting my plein air of the view outside my window. it is very pretty with the colors. the colors are harmonious. yes, something i have been studying and NOW achieving eue. yies. okay. so, but, still i have to get better with my time management. YES, i have been painting and drawing nearly everyday for a month, indeed. BUT i do not do that for 8 hours a day. THAT would be IDEAL? or something. I could do painting, writing, web-site building (learning to code), music making (researching how to make music), getting better at guitar, (researching how to do simple animations), or learning/exploring how to continue with my sculpture and turn this also into a film piece. The technicality of the piece is important only because I couldnt reach this color technicality before. I could also say I am working with my patience, or, practicing patience with myself as well as creative liberty and very simply, also eye-training for color. Using and practicing color theory. Drawing seems to be becoming significantly easy. Like I imagine I could draw and render practically anything at this point. Even the very complicated manga I used to idolize in highschool. To whomever may be reading this, the key to doing art easily, or achieving your goal easily is to not put too much stress on yourself AS you are rendering the piece. I used to be extremely concentrated and failed that way. if i just play with the picture, get its form to likeness, the piece comes out much more quickly. might depend on the form you are going for though...i tend to accept mistakes turned into beautiful projects. I do somewhat think I should be learning photoshop, and also some sort of online illustrator. I want to be able to merge film, painting, sculpture, and editing to both film and drawings. So I need to learn how to animate and photoshop and film cuts/film cutting. Finally, I also want to begin posting to Youtube more coherent experimental short films. I also will attempt to dedicate 20 hours each week to coding...it already looks very difficult. I also wanted to apply to the USPS, because they are urgently hiring, and so I can make money quickly and easily, while everyone else is out of a job. So there is not as much competition, i am guessing. Or more? but for some reason I'm doubtful, because it seems like more people have been fired/than there are people clamoring for jobs, etc. Fired/not working AND continuing to do either/or. AT THE END OF QUARANTINE I WANT TO HAVE... -BEGUN BUILDING MY WEBSITE -BEGUN LEARNING CODING SIGNIFICANTLY ENOUGH TO BUILD MY WEBSITE -MESS AROUND WITH EDITING VIDEO FILM -BEGIN MORE COMPLEX PAINTINGS? + SCULPTURE (THIS IS A LIGHTER DESIRE OF MINE...) -BEGIN MUSING MORE ON DESIRED LARGER PROJECTS AND MEANING, THEME, TYING IT TOGETHER S0...I NEED TO GATHER SKILLS RELEVANT TO THE ABOVE PROJECT IN THE MEANTIME, AS I FINE-TUNE THE FOLLOWING INTO A WELL-CRAFTED, MEANINGFUL PROJECT FROM THE HEART AND COOL MIND. 4/9/20 wow its what ive been dreaming of...i keep hating on instagram as a thing to share stuff on and be seen. but u cant be real. well i have been. but then it feels like u cant keep doing that or like its just like not appreciated after a point, or maybe i dont appreciate the chaoticness of the thing. its extremely chaotic. literally there is no quietness.