i have no one to share this space with but i'm here
080120 (1:46 am)
my cramps returned so I went to the kitchen to drink warm lemon water. As I sat there I thought: I’ve been reborn, transformed, after what happened a week after I turned 20. It doesn’t feel good. I feel a stranger to the things I used to care about. I am lost. I am changed. This is an important time for me, in which my choices will determine so much of the future, and for that reason I am very scared. I have chosen to live as myself and it will be the hardest thing i’ve ever done.
I always thought I wanted to be happy, when really I wanted things that could make me deserve happiness. I don’t feel like that anymore, not since. I just want to be happy. be myself. be happy.
alone in an open
room in a place full of
other people. where
i think of being another
last night, i watched myself
as i walked towards
death's welcoming arms.
i felt the taste of peace
almost, almost to the brim
i woke up
i was only dreaming. and i did
path, but i never
to be stopped while walking
i can't go on anymore.
i tried for a long time. i really
in the end, i was sorry i lived.
It's been exactly two months. I'm no longer 19. hi
052020 (it's 2 am so i am writing about 5192020)
Even though I felt nauseous and barely conscious all day I think it was good in most other respects. My friend and I were supposed to meet with our phd student but he was an hour late +_+ but it was a blessing because i hadn't video called anyone in so long and my friend and I spent that hour chatting. Later in the evening my friends and I talked again. Someone came to me to confide things they were thinking about and I talked meaningfully with them. And right now I'm talking to another friend about how much we mean to each other. Meanwhile I have indigestion. But it was a good day and I'm grateful.
my most disturbing or scary ideas:
wide expanses of water and the deep blue sea
creepy uncanny lurking jumping
no one connecting with my most personal drawings
family knows i experience thoughts & emotions
disappointment from mentors and friends who realize i am bad and mean and lazy
being looked at never being seen
not being enough not being loved not being
time irreversibly passes and i'm going to be at a funeral aching to travel back but i cannot
getting uglier in various ways
losing control over my body
Every part of me aches except the physical parts, which goes without saying because the body isn't part of me. I'm alone in my words and in my art and it's okay. Not really, but there's nothing to do about it. I really miss the fountain pen i lost. I need to go back to journaling. Yeah. That's all for now I guess.
It feels unlucky to say this, but I think I am finally feeling connected to my art again. I would like to preserve this fragile sensation. i reactivated my instagram after months of absence, during which I avoided looking at art and barely drew. I want to make things that have meaning to me. I want to be earnest about what I am.
Another cake today: japanese cheesecake. It turned out okay for the first time but I wish it was fluffier. Mom had no complaints as she ate it all. We cleaned the yard today and Kevin and I played catch with a water bottle as the sun set. After dinner I watched him drink two cups of milk at once, laughing all the while.
Today my parents were out when I woke up so I laid in the dark in bed and wept. When they came back I fried dumplings and drank my dad’s leftover coffee. I baked another matcha chiffon cake but it wasn’t as satisfying as the previous time because I had some and felt guilty about it. My family called my 外婆 and she said I looked pretty and I took a nap until midnight. I went back to bed at 3 am and read On Death and Dying before falling asleep.
More things I want:
to wake up in the before-morning to a cool dark breeze
to read lots and lots of stories
love. Love LOVE love!!!!! love .....
big ass cookies with lots of butter or whatever in them
a switch so i can play animal crossing
I slept most of the day. Spent some time practicing piano (chopin op 69 no 1). I should have gotten some work done but I've been so strained and sleepless recently that i know i needed the rest.
I am 19 and soon I will be 20, meaning i have had my soft blue bear for nearly 20 years. I once thought I would grow bigger and bigger, but instead things are getting smaller as they become more distant. The moment I was born the universe flinched away and continued to expand, and I will continue to watch things hurtle away from me, grasping for life, as I wait for death.
I am 19 years old still so forgive me for being grossly edgy.
i want to write poems again. I am very not good at writing & that's okay because it's for me. I was okay at drawing but now i am extremely bad at it. because my drawings have none of me in them. I can write shitty poetry and maybe it will carry some of me and then i'll feel a bit better.
I don't exactly think I should be here but the same is true anywhere. For the first time ever I understand what they say about a lonely tree quietly falling
hello, i would like:
bread and butter
to breathe easy
you to love me
something that fills me up inside
a new fountain pen