just saw that time traveler or whatever guidance stanchion for crowd control did i kill the thing that killed me why is it nice to me 2/9/25 i spent hours writing and didn't get what i wanted out of it. i'm talking to them. i need more time. i made arrangements to talk to her. i'm not nervous bc i've already decided that it needs to be said. i won't be in the situation of not understanding what's happening again. i'm listening to beyonce's halo for some reason. i heard it recently when i went to see hard truths with mika. i have no opinions about that song but i will say i love that it's a popular karaoke song, esp with people who can't sing, bc it's vocally challenging i'd been listening to the same piano song over and over again by this ethiopian nun. and a terry riley song called the maze. i feel like i was stuck in a maze for a few years this bag of colorful plastic shapes fell out of my cabinet and i posted a pic of it on instagram and thought that it might be symbolic and i'm tired of symbolism. i ended up picking up the pieces yesterday and i ended up finally starting to pick up the pieces of something else (friendship) yesterday. one blue square got stuck under the stove but i got it out today and i'm holding on to it. i talked to her about things getting stuck under the stove. i'll take the square with me tomorrow when i talk to her. it's disturbing that i'm doing this cinematic thing with my life rn - we walked around tonight instead and i told her. i gave her the blue square. she has no feelings for me. she said i was brave. i said i'm trying to make my life better. we both had tears in our eyes when i left. i walked home. 2/8/25 i went to home depot bed stuy this morning. the cheap wood was expensive but i guess i needed to know that. i got some blank beige (almond) wallplate covers that i think i can use for my diy audio project. i hope so bc they look really good (they're trash like most things in that store) and have that cheap plastic shine. i didn't like how the fasteners were organized. i hope i never have to go there again i haven't seen my friend to tell her about my feelings. today i emailed a friend i don't talk to anymore and wrote that i've always had romantic love feelings or something for them. the email took 4 or more hours to type. when i was done it was snowing. i don't understand my romantic feelings for them. they are an enchanting person. i'm not fun. i don't fall for people that often. i have crushes but not that many either. i'm a hard sell but i like meeting people and exploring anyway. most cats like me and maybe that's all that matters. 2/7/25 i've fallen for my friend. i've been trying to ignore my feelings. it makes me cry. i've been wanting to tell her but the timing has always seemed off. i can't go on like this. it's not even the strong possibility of rejection that's been making me try to hold this in. i really don't want to upset her or make her life complicated. it feels selfish to stir things up but it has to be done. she's very special and i want to keep our friendship but i'm going to lose my mind if i don't let it out in other news my apartment is weird rn bc i have several projects going. i just went to the library to pick up a book that i put on hold months ago. last week i was notified that the book was no longer in the system but i guess they found it. nice surprise thought about going to the cat cafe today for some $12 therapy. i love how cats are so confident another thing that grossed me out recently: pebble watch is trying to make a comeback. they're asking the public to THANK google for letting them use the software pebble developed that google bought. wtf that's absurd. you want me to beg google for you? fuck off. i've never in my life needed a smartwatch. i just think old pebble watches look good. i had one that i was running rebble on some years ago. i mainly used it for tinder alerts. that's so sad. i got obsessed with choosing watch faces and that just seems like a waste of time and i don't like puns at all ƸӜƷ 2/3/25 i saw lucas abela last night. always amazing. i think it was the 5th time i've seen him. the 1st time was 20 years ago. walked to the subway station in the snow. beautiful. i couldn't fully understand what look people at the show were going for. goth nerd gamer anime raver or something. one of those modern mashups that nobody could get away with in the past. there was a confusing opening band called coin. i'm not sure how to describe their music. there was a slower moment during their thing when i thought, "this song is called grand theft auto ballad" there were 3 moments when i felt so cringed out and wanted to scream and leave but i didn't. i got upset bc i had to look at this person's fucking bucket hat the whole time justice yeldham played. i said that out loud. these people were idiots, i just remembered. i was hoping to see other annoyed middle aged people. the friends i went with have an easier time with these things. but there were 2 dudes dancing in a really aggressive way, taking up a lot of space. they looked like complete slobs to me. like they probably live under a pile of dirty clothes. anyway one of them kept getting close to my friend, who was standing to watch the performance. i was sitting on a pew off to the side, kind of falling asleep. my friend left the floor and sat next to me and said something like, "i was about to punch that fucking guy in the face" these 2 people played who were 1/2 insufferable and then they asked if anybody had any questions, i guess about their gear. and this dude asked something so stupid and embarrassing. they didn't answer him at all. that made them less insufferable. there were no more questions in other news, i really like this coffee review: "This coffee is so good I can’t wait to have another cup every day." 1/31/25 i want to go to la planta in arecibo, puerto rico so bad. i've only been to arecibo once, to the observatory (the most beautiful place i've ever been in my whole life) youtube thinks i want to watch yuppie djs with house plants play records while drinking coffee gumby is 70 years old today. happy birthday gumby :) i'm writing a book called "how to make it to the 2nd date." i haven't figured it out yet though. tbh idk how to even make it to the 1st date. but i still think i'm a prize 1/30/25 going to see ellen fullman and theresa wong on friday 1/29/25 went to drew mcdowall show last night. it was the most synthetic thing i've ever heard. it sounded like software. all this equipment, tools, modular, laptops, etc. but i've never felt so empty during a show. i felt relieved when he stopped playing. i walked home to try to shake off some of the emptiness. i walked through the park and that helped. right after the park i saw a parking garage full of teslas he could prob just use one laptop and paulstretch and it would sound the same and be more portable 1/27/25 listening to soothing radiator sounds and neighbors using water sounds. i feel relaxed made clave sounds with modular i'm borrowing from the library 1/26/25 - deleted bluesky account - extremely into pop/snap/crackle and stringed instrument sounds on synth. borrowed simple modular synth from the library - paper circuit old mr grassi update: it's all together and it kind of works. tried to debug with multimeter, found no issues. will come back to it with fresh eyes - there's nowhere else to go - i'm also a time traveler aka on the spectrum - i met someone who really likes me and is interested in the things i make but unfortunately we can never be together. we respected each other enough to talk about it, and though it's very sad, i feel good about being real - finally understand that when dating app people can't make any time for me, never make plans to hang out, i'm doing all the work, i need to move on bc they'll never change and i'll just end up feeling bad about myself - cancelled amazon prime. going for a walk in the sewer park - last year multiple white people told me how hard things were for them, being white. i guess they felt like they could confide in me bc i'm brown/white and i can relate ?? i'm tired of thinking **https://legdept.phantomwifi.com/ (idk what i did to this but i think i accidentally deleted something a couple years ago and then i never tried to fix it. it makes me sad bc i should have bc i really like phantom wifi. i also thought the story was too intense. it's something i came across at an old job. i don't really like thinking about the past too much bc i didn't feel equipped to deal with conflict or intense emotions.) 3/26/23 my twitter account got hacked and support isn't helpful. they just send links to the same webform over and over. i wasn't using it very much but i've had that account for a long time. i was talking to travis about this yesterday. 4/20/20 had an awful night and then a rotten morning. felt so sad and out of control then went to work. looked at an apartment after work but it was horrible. r came home from her date and it's okay. sad/scary time period. bh --- 9/05/21 hanging out with white cat and black dog with cat ears. thinking about different life options. --- um 12/28/20 been spending many hours stuffing envelopes and boxes with a product that people enjoy. 85% --- 11/25/20 have been eating too many mints that make my mouth water. going to pick up a pie later. found my watch and started wearing it and it no longer seems oppressive. --- 11/10/20 just saw some different animals, including a red panda irl. --- 10/26/20 smoothed out a hat and then crunched it up without thinking. --- 10/04/20 i just got back. i just got back now i'm back. --- 9/10/20 |x| used a pilot razor point (red), bic ballpoint (red, blue, black, green), fanco quality memo book. learned about some different things. flossed part of my mouth. that's all. --- 9/11/20 |x| |x|