july 6, 2021 It’s been a while. Things haven’t gotten much better than the last time I was here, I could say they’ve been worse. They really weren’t joking about how hard it is to make friends as an adult. But have I really been trying that hard? Nope. Maybe my level of effort regarding this is a reflection of how I’ve been feeling about myself and my life. Unwilling, unsatisfied, something just a tad off about it. I had the idea to go and live in a completely different city or country just to know what it feels like to be completely, completely alone. Will coming home from that make me appreciate what I have now? dec 24, 2020 i've been thinking about my life in visual representations lately, this is largely due to the therapy i started a few weeks ago which has been going pretty well. i've been determining how i'm feeling by how the feeling would look if it were a sound wave. today was more of a sine wave, but teetering on square territory. finally making peace with some decisions i made almost a year ago. feels good, man. feels freeing. i'm hoping I can get back into painting again with these new ideas and ways of visualizing my feelings. dec 10, 2020 first night of Hanukkah! I do not feel real today. dec 9, 2020 i knew special fish was a ~special~ place, but my first day on here is proving to be very sweet and memorable. I'm working on a birthday present for a close friend of mine. I've recently gotten into weaving (frame loom) so I'm making an art piece for him. he hasn't texted me back in a few weeks and i understand because he's been very busy lately, so working on this present for him makes me feel close to him and i just hope he's doing alright. hopefully i will get to safely visit him for his birthday next week. currently listening to guilty by tommy mcgee. been feeling terribly sad lately. But also hopeful, as I know my body is a vessel for the soul that precedes it. This life is not the end for me, although it may seem like it. I thank my soul for choosing this particular life for me, no matter how hard it might get.

the stars speak for me

  • gemini sun / mercury
  • aquarius moon
  • leo rising

things that will be in my garden one day

  • japanese maple that is dome-like enough so i can hide under
  • bleeding heart plants dancing along an iron bench
  • small fairy or gnome sculpture
  • a table and chair for having a coffee amidst the flowers
  • peony "festiva maxima" and "lemon chiffon"
  • wild grapes for future dyeing projects
  • lavender that i will make into tea sometimes
  • various herbs for cooking and creating!

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