i am feeling pale pink today how are you? please let me know i care email me

the hollow cicada shell that is my brain

  • [2/20] the world is moving too fast. i miss them. they didn’t get me. everything to them was so simple and simple and simple. i am happy. i am sad. i am hurt. my brain can’t comprehend. how do you just know how you feel. my emotions are buzz buzz scratch scratch chirp. like a never ending jumble of everything and nothing. i am multidimensional. if that is a thing. they couldn’t comprehend this that’s why they left. it’s better off for me alone in my head. my head home is shaped like a toadstool with butterflies inside. it’s beautiful there. i wish i could travel there. it is snowing today. imagine that. snow in february. then again it is north carolina. seasons practically don’t exist here. i dislike snow. it is cold and bright. i love spring and flowy skirts. i wish it were spring. i thought she was leaving today. i freaked out and got in contact. haven’t talked in weeks. pushed back my recovery process a month but it was worth it to make sure she’s ok. i love her. despite her brain noise and simple mindedness, i can’t seem to bring myself to dislike her. i can’t contact her anymore. it’s too painful. i need to say goodbye. __________________________ [2/23] there’s nothing more upsetting in the world than realize how little you mean to people. i’ve isolated myself numerous times and each time, no one reached out. and now i’ve lost all my friends and i feel uncomfortable meeting new ones. the feeling of knowing that if you just ceased to exist one day life would go on and no one would really care that much it would just be everyday gossip. it hurts even more watching those same people who never reached out to you care so much about others when they’re going through hard things. i think about it every day. it’s slowly consuming me. sometimes i feel like my brain is too loud but then i realize others feel the same. that makes it a little more easier. from now on i will not backspace anything i write. if i put it down in the first place, it’s important. that being said i’ve stopped checking her socials as often. i guess that means i’m moving on? _________________________________ [2/24] sometimes i become hyper aware of my heartbeat or my toes or fingers or hair and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to the point where i want to kill kill kill it stop worms worms crawl out and i can’t focus on anything. maybe it’s just me. either way, i am in a fairly good mood today. it’s my moms birthday. happy birthday mom :). also some clothes i ordered are coming this week. v excited for those. also school is stressing me out i have so many assignments. i wish time was unlimited and i could go about life at the pace i wanted. imagine how much more i could do each day. i wish i didn’t have to sleep. i don’t like sleep. it takes up so much time, and once you go to sleep, it’s so hard to wake back up. also the dreams make me feel like i know something i don’t. like i’m being watched. i don’t know why.

words i enjoy

  • butterfly toadstool mushroom cloud star falcon fairy moth snail moss tree angel plant worm ladybug lotus
  • computer cottage cow bubbles
  • teeth

if you need me

  • alphasorell@gmail.com

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