maude maude, void

july 27th 2021: 6:23 pm i still love him unfortunately ~~~ 7:34 pm i dont think ive ever been this mad in my life i passed my drivers test when they asked if i wanted to be an organ donor i said no split second decision because for gods sake im barely an adult and ive never given it any thought and to be honest i didnt really want to question my own life after death in the shitty dmv chairs next to a crying baby while people were waiting on me i take back what i said before im not even an adult not even fucking close my mom is so incredibly disappointed because "why would someone as caring and loving as you take away someone elses chance of life?" well mom i havent even thought about it and does that make me a shitty person? apparently yeah we got in a huge fight we arent on speaking terms. which is shitty i tried to tell her that i was going to change it in the future probably, just like how ill change my legal name and pronouns except i didnt say the last bit because shes transphobic too how nice does she know that trans people in my state cant donate organs does she know that i bet she doesnt im just so mad im just so fucking mad july 26th 2021: 12:31 am i told him everything its stupid to keep things bottled up it really genuinely is i told him everything and he helped so much hes such a good person i have my drivers test again tomorrow ill pass even if i dont ill be fine hes made me realize that not everythings so huge hes really good at that i feel really at peace almost i didnt realize how hard i was holding my breath until he got me to let go of it july 20th 2021: 6:24 pm the past 7 days have sucked so hard with only one exception yesterday i saw a friend for the first time since march, 2020 it was surreal i was allowed to be a teenager again, you know the other 6 days have sucked so incredibly bad i dont know whats wrong w me i kinda just wanna yell????? i dont know album is almost done ive come to the realization that people care about me and that SUCKS because that means i actually mean something to them and im not making it up in my head that last line only makes sense to me doesnt it does anyone ever feel the way i feel does anyone else feel bad that theyve made someone care about them july 13th 2021: 6:17 pm just learned we cant afford your depression anymore by car seat headrest, its finally in my range ive been trying to expand my singing range to go deeper and its finally been working i can finally sing some of these songs ive been trying to sing for ages god im so happy im so happy about this right now songs that are finally in my range include but are not limited to: bodys (csh) wcayda (mentioned above, csh) i hope youre doing ok (pity party/girls club) yer killin me (remo drive) thanks dad, (richie woods) i am so happy!!!! i am so happy july 11th 2021: 11:09 pm one year ago today i met him [and 4 other people] one whole year ago it feels like a lifetime and also it wasnt that long ago everyone in chat kind of exchanged feelings like everyone did the mutual "love u guys" and had a good time together he messaged me separate though we were supposed to call but he got tired, i was tired too he apologized way too much i told him not to worry, it was fine and he wouldnt let it go i hope hes alright before he went to bed i asked him to stay a moment i told him i was glad we met i was really glad i am glad so glad july 9th 2021: 12:07 am today was really shit until the end like it was really bad no one would listen to me and i was very polite and patient with everyone but they did not listen to me at all and i felt like yelling i felt like yelling alot but i didnt it was storming all day today near the end i got to go outside and look for shark teeth on the beach this year was disappointing in the teeth hunting field until today i found so many. i stayed out there for hours i got upwards of 20 shark teeth the storm helped i guess everything else was standard from then i ate dinner and ive been in my room ever since so in conclusion, today was really shit like really bad until it wasnt july 8th 2021: 3:46 pm ive had alot of time on my hands here its been raining ive been thinking alot. just now i was thinking about my birthday my friends rallied together one of them said "YO! EVERYONE GET OVER HERE. ITS MAUDES BDAY. WISH THEM A GOOD ONE OR ELSE (gun emoji) BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT." it made my day theyre all so nice to me i love them alot you on the otherhand you didnt wish me a happy birthday you can go die july 6th 2021: 7:44 pm ive been at the beach for 3 days now i love the beach i wish i always looked how i look at the beach. my hair goes blonde my eyes go all green [i have hazel eyes. most of the time they are boring, but sometimes they turn very interesting colors] i get a bit tan, a little bit sunburnt on my nose and cheeks but the sunburn is okay because i dont look miserable or in pain at all i always have a certain look on my face content and calm, focused and collected my favorite picture of me ever is just a candid photo my mother took near the sunset i look so at peace i dont look like im losing my mind, which is how i usually look when im at home im not losing my mind. it just feels like it sometimes i love the beach ~~~ we havent talked much lately i know youre busy and im busy i just cant help but feel like ive said something to upset you please let me know if ive said something to upset you july 1st 2021: i dont know what time it is because i have covered the clock on my laptop another month has passed and nothing has changed i guess thats not necessarily a bad thing im listening to oh no! by marina because this song was my favorite for ever ever ever for years its been years and i still know all the words i remember memorizing the just dance to it god i was stupid its still a great song absolute banger ~~~ it is 10:37 pm i took the tape off the clock today was weird it wasnt a great day but it didnt entirely suck either i managed to talk to him about what he said, about my pronouns or whatever i mentioned it in the old blog i dont want to explain it again he apologized as it came off wrong over text he meant it in a "gender is a social construct" type of way, not a "im assigning you pronouns" type of way i guess thats good i improvved a song today i was pretty proud of it so i recorded a little demo my dad is gonna kill me for not finishing my other songs he can wait he is going to wait ~~~ new (new) month new blog

things that make me really happy

  • looking at my record collection. oh how far ive come!
  • message notifications
  • you
  • dad telling me i am getting good at my instruments
  • looking at my mural! its finished!!!!!!!
  • creating
  • egg sandwich w/ spinach and a runny yolk... ive got it down to a science
  • talking about music stuff and writing because it makes me feel like i know what im doing
  • seeing my guitar stood up in the corner
  • my disco ball

thoughts thinking about thinking thoughts

  • ive been painting a lot more recently. theres paint on my pants and on my shirt and on my sheets and on my wall
  • rainy mondays is a good song title i should use that
  • they/them. pronouns are they/them. i am real and i exist !
  • email me email me email me lets be friends
  • i have been working on a mural for a few months now. i just finished my 45th album cover and that is wild! i only have 9 more to go and i am done done done done no more paint :(
  • finished my mural today!!!!!!!!!!!!! 54 albums done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats wild
  • hi charlie ik ur reading this i care you :) i love uuuu heart <33333
  • got an email today. hello whoever you are! i care very deeply for you
  • someone has given me the nickname max and ive never gotten a nickname before!!!! i love it so much!!!! max! thats me!!!


  • ive been writing music a lot more lately as well. writing an album
  • listen to car seat headrest they are very good
  • i fall in love too easily - chet baker
  • listening to beach life in death. way too scared to do s h i t . i cant write poetry i just write stupid songs about computers what do i know about computers
  • bye - starry cat
  • we cant afoooorrrrddd your depressssiooon any mooorooorreee i dunnno howww to make you happypypypyyyy
  • famous prophets (stars) - car seat headrest obviously
  • carrie + lowell by sufjan stevens is really incredibly very good
  • not allowed and also cigarettes out the window byyyyy - tv girl

lets chat

  • my email is
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  • lets chat

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