10.6.2025 Read a book outside in the shade on my lunch break. Would recommend 10.5.2025 Wonderful new friends appeared downstairs one day last spring- or maybe it was summer. The first new friends in quite some time, though I think that may be my fault. Too busy trying to fit it all in, chasing more time to fill it again. When does it feel like enough? That's why I am here (this site) now- the friends, not the time. I get self conscious easily, not analytical enough fit in with the engineers I work with and too normie to fit in with the artists. I think I'd rather be an artist, but I proudly wear my engineer's ring even on the weekend. To me it is not so different. I want to spend my time 'productively' I tell my therapist, mom, boyfriend. To me that means making something meaningful. I want to be a master carpenter sometimes. The best of both worlds, art and function. I could make some kick ass chairs. My uncle made boxes for pet's ashes (he also made the boxes for his parents even though he died before them). I wonder if that work felt meaningful. Another one of my uncles would make custom wooden drawer organizers for the back of equine veterinarians' vans. They sound beautiful. Each one unique to the vet, here a place for the forceps, the acepromazine, here the ultrasound for seeing the little baby orbs, there the pink pentobarbital for my old man Quigley. ... Anyways, all that to say I am painfully aware of this being seen. I want it to be read, to be part of the club- but what if I come off insincere, trying to hard, or *cringe*? I don't have the bona fides they do. A quick google to make sure I spelled that right- "a person's honesty and sincerity of intention." I have never heard it used that way. I do have that then, at least.