12/4: I want to befriend crows
12/6: I went on a walk and it was really nice, I saw a tree with some purple chalk on it and I wish I brought my camera. Also thinking about the fact that I’ll have to get a job this summer so I won’t be able to make a lot of art anymore :(. I’ll make it work though, I’ve been looking at plant nursery’s and photography studios so hopefully something works out.
12/8: I remember when I was around 13 and started using my first camera, I took a photo of this baby bird that my sister was trying to rescue. Something was wrong with it and it ended up dying, but I took a picture and then deleted it because I thought it was ugly. Now I think it wasn’t ugly at all. She was taking care of it in these blue gloves and it was never ugly. She made it a tiny grave with some flowers too. We had a little funeral.
12/9: had to help my gf with last minute school stuff, kind of overwhelming but it’ll be over soon. I’ve been having so many ideas for painting lately, I can’t wait for break. It feels like I’ve finally found a groove. I keep having headaches that move around, had them for the past week and it’s making me scared. Junior year of high school I had similar headaches and I convinced myself I was having a stroke- this time I’m afraid it’s an aneurysm or something. I’ll ask my mom when I come home, I leave on Saturday anyways.
12/10: my gf had a cancer scare and it was really intense, we’ve had so many health problems lately but I’m glad we’re alive and together
12/16: it feels like my life is a map that’s just slowly increased in the amount of roads that it shows, the amount of choices that I have. It feels like I’m paralyzed and I don’t know how to push through. This should be freeing, but I wish I could do things out of love and forgive myself for something wrong, instead of not doing anything because of fear.
12/17: I saw some small star shaped flowers that smelled like laundry detergent
12/26: I miss my girlfriend. I got some eggs from the store and might paint them. I feel so crushed by what the future might hold but I’m trying to bring and hold onto some childhood hope into my life now.
12/29: I feel like something s weird because I’ve just gotten myself out of this rut of doing my hobbies for other people like music and art but then if you’re known through your art then you’re validated and loved and who doesn’t want that
1/3: I am being much kinder towards myself and I can feel a difference
1/9: I’m starting my project for the month and I think I’ll be happy no matter how it turns out because it’s so open ended, just have to keep my original idea in mind.
2/26: things are changing really quickly both good and bad I guess I’ll have to see what happens
4/2: things have changed even more, I got broken up with and I’m going back home for a little bit. Maybe this will give me a chance to reset.