Full journal archive - ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.7.22 < Woof, haven't updated this in a while. I don't know. The state of things is... that they're going, I guess. I mean, it's fine. Stuff is *fine*. I know, very descriptive. I'm losing my mind I think. I do stupid shit and then get paranoid that someone will find out. It would probably be easier if I just didn't do the stupid shit in the first place. I could give him everything he wants. Everything. And obviously he wouldn't give me what I want, but maybe making him happy would be enough. Not sustainably, but just for a little bit. I know that sounds bad but even just a little bit of feeling ok would mean everything to me. And he can make me feel ok. I don't know why it's him. It's probably because he withholds praise and affection, the two things I so desperately crave. The less he gives me, the more I want it. Very silly of me. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.8.22 < ♬ King Of Nothing - Antihero ♬ I'm working on the ability to care less. The ability to feel less. I have a love hate relationship with the intensity of my emotions. I feel *so much*. Constantly, it never stops. All of my emotions are turned up to a thousand. Or at least, it was like that. Recently, I've been struggling to feel much of anything. I can feel happy and sad, but it's more like a strip of emotion laid over a skin of... nothing. But at the same time I feel this intense amount of... want? Want for more, for better. Want to feel like I'm loved. Like maybe, if I had someone who could give me their everything I'd be okay. I'm reminded of a gradeschool book. A silly picture book about buckets, and how you have to make sure not to pour too much of your bucket into everyone else's, as eventually there will be nothing left for you. Maybe I've been too busy giving everyone all of me to understand myself. Cause I don't know what I want. I don't really understand how to get to a place in my life where I'm okay. And I need to work on that. But I can't keep feeling this sense of obligation to those who don't feel the same. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.9.22 < Yeah I mean... yeah. Any time he touches me he thinks about how I've hurt him. When he ignores me it's because of my past capacity to cause harm. I hurt him and I'll never be able to take that back. God I wish I could. I don't want him to leave me behind, he's one of the last real friends I have, but maybe it would be for the better. I need someone. I need someone to fill the hole that is inside me. I'm not enough for myself and I *know* that's terrible, but I don't know what to do about it. My brain keeps lying to me, telling me I'd be happier if I cut everyone off- after all, maybe going to the bottom would finally let me understand myself. But of course, it wouldn't. So I need someone who can help me feel whole. It's not fair to that person to ask that of them, to ask them to put up with everything and to love me all the same- but god do I wish for it. I want someone who will do anything for me. I want my fucking YA novel love. Stupid. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.14.22 < He's replacing me for my friend, lmao. It's funny, I have no control over him, and no right to control him- but even so I still feel this sense of ownership? Like he should be mine- like he's a prized possession. I have to stop objectifying people. It's not intentional, it's just easier for my brain if I can fit them into little boxes. But of course, this leads to awful consequences. It's something I've been working on fixing for a long time, but god is it hard to break this habit.

Books I love

  • At The Edge Of The Universe
  • Will Grayson, Will Grayson
  • johnny got his gun
  • We Are The Ants
  • Comicbus #42
  • The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Doot doot it's another cool site


Zine Ideas

  • ✰ How to make [Insert Dangerous Thing Here]
  • ✰ Need a lot more scratch magazines, old books/pictures, to photocopy onto backgrounds
  • ✰ Stop bitching about your life, stuff sucks but NO-ONE CARES! -
  • ✰ TIP - HAVE AN IDEA IN MIND WHEN WRITING, no-one wants to hear useless garbage ramble
  • ✰ Handwrite - can be in all caps, looks better when it's a mess
  • ✰ Speak to how ████ is usually committed by those closest to you.
  • ✰ Whining about the scene SUCKS -
  • ✰ Can't be just me working on the zine, I need collaborators.
  • ✰ Most zines die within the first two editions. Make it past 10 then you can probably have it running for a while. *IF* you push through the apathy and actually work on it.

Articles I'm Working On

  • Suburban Holocaust - The nihilism of liminal spaces
  • Disturbing Innocence (Of Mice and Men inspired)
  • Streamline Moderne and the exploitation of that aesthetic

Gonna write some letters

  • If you wanna write me a letter-
  • - - how I feel about Cam
  • - - share some starstuff

Some aesthetic little things

  • only writing in lowercase with no punctuation
  • ASCII Stars☆✵✯✭✰⚝✶✵✧✦
  • Libraries at night

Some neat words and their meanings

  • "Sonder — noun. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own." - The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.
  • Entropy - The thermodynamic law that everything will eventually return to chaos and disorder.
  • Scruple - A feeling of doubt or hesitation with regard to the morality or propriety of a course of action.
  • Enargeia - Bright unbearable reality

Small things that bring me joy

  • Uneven 5 pointed stars
  • Spools without the thread
  • Sufjan Stevens
  • The noise my partner makes when they feel fully comfortable
  • How my cat sits