Colorado, USA

Write anything at all - > 9.10.21 < Tonight was I walked with him as his dog weaved through his legs I talked with him about everything under the sun The clouds were made of raspberry cotton candy He is so broken I held him as he tried and failed to cry As I shut away my tears Why is life cruelest to those who want to love it I made him promise to see me tomorrow I knew I would. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 9.18.21 < I fell out of a tree Ankle is broken My parents thought I did it on purpose It was the same tree I had kissed him under Teenage idiocy ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 9.21.21 < I want to kiss him. I want to hold him. But I can't. I just can't. He's not mentally okay. He has to deal with that before he can be in relationships. God this sucks! I just want to be with him but I can't because if I do- I'll get hurt. He needs to figure out his mental health or he's gonna ruin everyone else's. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 9.22.21 < What do I say to him? What the fuck do I say to him? I saw him in the halls and just... apologized. He looked like he was going to cry. He never cries. Shit shit shit- I'm such a fucking idiot. I thought my friends wanted what was best for me. I thought I was doing the right thing. My friends all said they "had bad feelings about him". What the fuck is wrong with me? Why didn't I listen to my gut? ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 9.23.21 < Okay. Okay. I talked it out with him. Weŕe gonna stay friends for a while. Just friends. Just friends. Friends until he figures out who he is. Or at least, more of who he is. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 9.27.21 < I don't get it. People say "it's 2021", like we have solved all inequality. I'm not allowed in my b̶o̶y̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶'̶s̶ friend's house. This isn't a big deal obviously, I'm not gonna fucking die because I can't it just... it sucks. At lunch we get food thrown at us. It doesn't bother me, it's just dumb teen boys being dumb teen boys. But part of me wishes I could be the one throwing the food. Unbothered by whatever the fuck I have to deal with. It looks so easy. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 10.03.21 < He lied because of "insecurities". I get it. But don't lie to me. I think... I think he was jealous? Of me? Because of what happened with his friend and I. Dumb. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 10.11.21 < He only likes me when hes █████. Of course. I'm such an idiot. I thought he was different. I thought that maybe he didn't just like me for my body. Ha. Funny joke. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 10.12.21 < I care about what people think of me. I care too much. I told him I wasn't going to invest any more emotion if he wasn't gonna invest any back. I spent the whole night investing into his emotions. Why do I care so much about what he thinks of me?? Why? ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 10.25.21 < Had my birthday recently. It was nice. Him and I agreed that it wouldn't go past physical. That's it. I don't know if I'm happy or upset about that. Mostly relieved, to be honest. ~*-*~ It's kinda funny. Every single one of my friends has been telling me to ditch him. Every one of them. For a *while*. Literally, I introduced him to the group and they hated him. Maybe I should have listened to them. Maybe? No. I should have. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.03.21 < I cut off all contact. No more. I'm fed up. He ignores me on the bus, and I ignore him. But occasionally I catch my thoughts finding my way to him. He steals glances when he thinks I can't see. Fuck you for looking. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.09.21 < I hate my brain so much Im trying so hard to do the fucking things that i want to do BUT I CANT ALl i do is try and tfy and try and i CANT i HATE IT I WANT MY BRAIN TO JUST FYUCKING WORK PLEASE ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.18.21 < That last entry was a bit... yikes. I'm fine overall, just fed up with some stuff. It's how it goes, I guess. ⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ > 11.23.21 < A letter to him -> [not that him] Look. I like you a lot. Genuinely. When I spend time with you I feel fucking amazing. I love being around you, and I love talking to you all night and day. Usually I'm the person who goes for it. The one who tells my friends "the worst thing he can say is no". But I recently messed up pretty bad, and that's because I went for it. I'm scared that if I actually take the leap I'm going to hurt you like I hurt [him]. I'm afraid. I love you, and that's why I'm scared. Because what if I hurt you? I know I've said this to you already and you've said "well, I've been through worse". I know. I know you've been through worse. But there's this certain kind of pain to heartbreak. It eats you alive, and consumes your thoughts. I don't want to feel that again, and I don't want you to have to feel that. This would be your first serious relationship, you're quite unexperienced. And while I have experience I am not all knowing. I fuck up a lot, even though I'm trying my best not to. I'm scared, ████. But hey, maybe we can figure this shit out together, one step at a time.

Books that I loved as a child

  • The Curious Garden
  • My Fathers Dragon

Every Art Account of Mine


Books I love now

  • At The Edge Of The Universe
  • Will Grayson, Will Grayson
  • Looking For Alaska
  • We Are The Ants
  • Sounds Of Your Name
  • Comicbus #42

Doot doot it's another cool site


Zine Ideas

  • ✰ How to make [Insert Dangerous Thing Here]
  • ✰ Need a lot more scratch magazines, old books/pictures, to photocopy onto backgrounds
  • ✰ Stop bitching about your life, stuff sucks but NO-ONE CARES! -
  • ✰ TIP - HAVE AN IDEA IN MIND WHEN WRITING, no-one wants to hear useless garbage ramble
  • ✰ Handwrite - can be in all caps, looks better when it's a mess
  • ✰ Speak to how ████ is usually committed by those closest to you.
  • ✰ Whining about the scene SUCKS -
  • ✰ Can't be just me working on the zine, I need collaborators.
  • ✰ Most zines die within the first two editions. Make it past 10 then you can probably have it running for a while. *IF* you push through the apathy and actually work on it.

Trying To Find Some Zines

  • Bigduckzine - 1990s LAST UPDATED - ($1.50 each from Thadicus Robinson, 1100 Howe Avenue, Apt. 255, Sacramento, CA 95825) BY Thaddeus (Theo)
  • Has a rip of bigduckzine #3 cover -
  • Email the one who ripped it -
  • Thadicus was part of a band named Bumblescrump

Articles I'm Working On

  • Suburban Holocaust - The nihilism of liminal spaces
  • Disturbing Innocence (Of Mice and Men inspired)

Gonna write some letters

  • If you wanna write me a letter-
  • - - how I feel about Cam
  • - - share some starstuff

Some aesthetic little things

  • only writing in lowercase with no punctuation
  • ASCII Stars☆✵✯✭✰⚝✶✵✧✦

Some neat words and their meanings

  • "Sonder — noun. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own." - The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.

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