sunday, nov. 15, 2020
how much of my life will be lost to time 20, 40, 60 years in the future? how much of it will i never remember again? how much of it will exist online and disappear when whatever website they're on goes down? how much of it will be written on papers that i lose track of? how many of the songs i listen to will i never be able to find again? i never kept a diary in elementary school, middle school, so much of high school. i wish i had. now it feels like i can never talk to her again. i'm watching her through a one-way window and there's no way to ever talk to her, because she never talked to me. so i need to talk now. i wish i could record every step i ever take and every thought i have. i'm so scared of never being able to find them again.
friday, november 6, 2020
i have everything planned out for the next month and a half or so, but i feel so anxious. always running out of time.
wednesday, november 4, 2020
i feel so disconnected from myself except when i imagine myself in connection to him. or when i imagine myself from the outside. i think a lot about a post i saw on tumblr of a couple pages out of marilyn monroe's diary, just a few words she scribbled at the top of the page. i want to exist like that. be studied and theorized. pros and cons to this, i know. i'm adamantly against celebrity culture, but i think my second brain is a bit more lenient.
the only way out is through.
made a playlist for m***** and sent it to her. i'm not great at talking to friends back home regularly. i don't really know why. i'm trying to work on it. but i hope this lets her know that i'm still thinking about her.
tuesday, november 3, 2020
sometimes it seems like the closer i look at anything, the less i see. i want it all in solids - a word bank of definition, a family tree, cause and effect outlined, concepts in folders and concepts on earth, tethered closely and tightly to the body so every generality has its corresponding gesture. unfortunately, everything meaningful seems insistent on dealing in strings. strings? gas...liquid...or some web. a monitor exists when you're looking at it, and you can see vaguely all its connections, more monitors constructed around. but when you turn to see one of those, the other monitor disappears. this is one way it forms. but not every way. another one is pointillism. so easy to look at the big picture but try and actually see it, define it, know it all the way through. it doesn't exist. as an 'academic' i suppose i need to become comfortable with pointillism one of these days (or at least pretend i am), but i can't shake the feeling that if i just look hard enough i can form it all into one shape.
"every once in a while she wandered into the better neighborhoods and gazed at the ship windows glittering with jewels and satin clothes -- just to mortify herself a little bit. because she needed to find herself and suffering a little is a way of finding." i think i thought for a long time that this knowledge of the interior intentions behind actions, connected to that core of the self that contains all the compelling words about a person, i think i thought that this knowledge came from the person. they perform these actions, and they know why they do, but they do it anyways. but now i consider maybe the intention is only known by the omnipotent figure, and the person themselves simply performs actions and doesn't realize the intention. or at least not all the time. if this is the case i would love to read an itemized list of all my interiors and intentions
monday, november 2, 2020
quick on my mind today: trying to find a work/life balance (ugh) and not being very successful at it. really liking my new piercing. grocery shopping stresses me out.
friday, october 30, 2020
feeling uninspired, stagnant. comparing myself to other people too often.
thursday, october 29, 2020
it's raining! everything smells like pasta, so we probably need to do dishes soon.
wednesday, october 28, 2020
about to start working so i can't afford to write a lot. but it's the same thoughts as always. i want to talk more to my friends and talk more to myself. listening to legit tattoo gun brings me back. "i am the water in the puddle in the shade of a tree. when i freeze over you are the sun, you cannot touch me. and the tree feels bad, i can tell by the way that it felt. but it still won't move, so the ice won't melt." listened to that song hundreds of times when i was 15. "but i am not a dirty god, i don't have a dirty body. and i am alone only half the time, the other half i am only hiding. keep my body alive keep my arms reaching out toward anyone."
mostly i just want to get through the rest of this year in one piece. i should probably cut my hair on friday. and try and stay whole in december. i have to start looking into internships for the summer soon. not excited about that. and i need some way to make money over winter break, because i don't know if i can get a job in the spring semester. i mean, i could, but i don't know if i could handle it if my workload next semester is anything like it is this semester. almost every waking moment is spent doing work. and i still feel like i'm not trying hard enough.