i have this idea of going through the dictionary and writing down all my favorite words. i need everything i need to know everything i need to know that i have seen everything. my memory is so bad but i know this and so i worry that i've forgotten things that i've forgotten i've forgotten. i need someone to make a list. of everything on earth every song every television show every word spoken every name every idea and concept every feeling that i've had and when i've felt it. and then i can happily go through those lists. i worry that i can't get rid of this idea of suffering in life and being able to be free in the next life. it's odd how christianity has made its intense mark in how our society moves. the idea that the mind can control the body, we are our minds (souls?) and our bodies are just our homes. i would like to buy into this idea and have often thought of myself as a machine. my life may be easier if it were true. but i fear that our bodies and minds are not as separate as we would like to believe, because my body has an odd way of tricking me into thinking things i'd rather not. it's so stupid that hunger is such a powerful influencer. i know it should be and i know its good. we should be free to eat whenever, whatever. it's a problem for me, this double-mindedness. i have a body, and a mind, and a mind. in one mind i know what's true: hunger, eating, is neither good nor bad. it just is. moralizing food in either direction is harmful. but in my second mind i have my desires: that my mind is more powerful than my body. i can choose to eat whenever i want, whatever i want (both of which happen to be as little as possible) and the idea of that control is divine (a wonderful word, along with passion). so much of me is reaching for the divine (i believe in my God, although i am not a christian). i have a purpose, and maybe you do too (i don't know you) and it's up to me to find that purpose, perform it, experience it. i am very bad at hide and seek. i think i'm coming closer.