waiting, wondering. because become among amongst. feeling anxious even though my life is going, as it goes, quite well. 02/26/21 realized a couple of days ago that the forms on my website have all been failing silently for the past two months. still have no idea why, but i blew it up and tried something else (a little simpler) and i think i have it working now! feeling relieved. it feels funny to feel so much responsibility for maintaining this website that i haven't added anything to in months, which very few people visit, which exists solely because i find it dear. 01/11/21 so in love!! what is this!! as many other feelings as i have this continues to be the main one!! feels almost silly but here i am! brimming over!! it's so happy! even when it is serious and nears points of pain -- i feel in my gut so safe and so happy and so relieved and so thankful.

internet story

  • my first girlfriend wrote me endless love letters on
  • — and i still treasure them —
  • we were fourteen; it was sweet.
  • after we broke up, we stopped talking, harbored hard feelings. one night from an ambiguous facebook post i got wind that she was dating someone new,
  • someone i had long admired,
  • and i confirmed it, i confirmed it for myself, by reading all the new love letters she had written.

songs that make me ask why i ever listen to anything else

  • kurt vile's "pretty pimpin"
  • brahms' geistliches lied, op. 30
  • owen pallett's "in conflict"
  • gaelynn lea's "someday we'll linger in the sun"

thoughts for the future

  • conversation diagramming
  • worksheets from readings
  • college class choice system
  • design a quilt
  • mnemonic medium

internet story 2

  • i linked to his blog on my website. my website was new and his blog was old and beloved.
  • i didn't think twice about it. in the meantime, i learned lots — like that analytics exist.
  • so when he put out a new post, i got curious. view source, i inquired, and of course there it was — a little google analytics tracker.
  • it made me smile. i suppose there are backlinks on the internet.
  • the next day we were talking, and he asked to make a confession.
  • he explained: he has google analytics on his blog, and every month or so, he checks in on the referring links—
  • he'd seen some traffic coming from an unfamiliar site, and he investigated.
  • he knew it was me. — there probably weren't *two* people with sestina prompters, he said —
  • — it was hanging heavy in his heart, like this was privacy compromised, although it was not. i reassured him.
  • so that is how my dearest friend stumbled upon my website.

a list of lists i had not written c. 2017, abridged

  • times i tried to believe in god
  • friends i lost
  • sentences in books i gasped at
  • things i will never say to you
  • things i should not say to you, but probably will
  • times i flinched during sex
  • places i wept
  • times i felt like i looked like myself
  • doors i walked through
  • dates i counted down to
  • secrets you shared with me
  • prayers i was too afraid to pray
  • today i learned that there is a picture of me in osculation on the internet
  • (it's on a stage, we were acting — although, months later, this counterpart from the play did confess feelings for me)
  • ((it wasn't a surprise; it was unreciprocated.))

poems i mutter to myself

  • living under the digestive system
  • the shrinking lonesome sestina
  • the world is too much with us
  • you mustn't be afraid, god

homes, past and present

  • one day i will start emailing people who list an email here

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