waiting, wondering. because become among amongst. feeling anxious even though my life is going, as it goes, quite well. 02/26/21 realized a couple of days ago that the forms on my website have all been failing silently for the past two months. still have no idea why, but i blew it up and tried something else (a little simpler) and i think i have it working now! feeling relieved. it feels funny to feel so much responsibility for maintaining this website that i haven't added anything to in months, which very few people visit, which exists solely because i find it dear. 01/11/21 so in love!! what is this!! as many other feelings as i have this continues to be the main one!! feels almost silly but here i am! brimming over!! it's so happy! even when it is serious and nears points of pain -- i feel in my gut so safe and so happy and so relieved and so thankful.
- my first girlfriend wrote me endless love letters on http://letterstocrushes.com/
- — and i still treasure them —
- we were fourteen; it was sweet.
- after we broke up, we stopped talking, harbored hard feelings. one night from an ambiguous facebook post i got wind that she was dating someone new,
- someone i had long admired,
- and i confirmed it, i confirmed it for myself, by reading all the new love letters she had written.
songs that make me ask why i ever listen to anything else
- kurt vile's "pretty pimpin"
- brahms' geistliches lied, op. 30
- owen pallett's "in conflict"
- gaelynn lea's "someday we'll linger in the sun"
thoughts for the future
- conversation diagramming
- worksheets from readings
- college class choice system
- design a quilt
- mnemonic medium
internet story 2
- i linked to his blog on my website. my website was new and his blog was old and beloved.
- i didn't think twice about it. in the meantime, i learned lots — like that analytics exist.
- so when he put out a new post, i got curious. view source, i inquired, and of course there it was — a little google analytics tracker.
- it made me smile. i suppose there are backlinks on the internet.
- the next day we were talking, and he asked to make a confession.
- he explained: he has google analytics on his blog, and every month or so, he checks in on the referring links—
- he'd seen some traffic coming from an unfamiliar site, and he investigated.
- he knew it was me. — there probably weren't *two* people with sestina prompters, he said —
- — it was hanging heavy in his heart, like this was privacy compromised, although it was not. i reassured him.
- so that is how my dearest friend stumbled upon my website.
a list of lists i had not written c. 2017, abridged
- times i tried to believe in god
- friends i lost
- sentences in books i gasped at
- things i will never say to you
- things i should not say to you, but probably will
- times i flinched during sex
- places i wept
- times i felt like i looked like myself
- doors i walked through
- dates i counted down to
- secrets you shared with me
- prayers i was too afraid to pray
- today i learned that there is a picture of me in osculation on the internet
- (it's on a stage, we were acting — although, months later, this counterpart from the play did confess feelings for me)
- ((it wasn't a surprise; it was unreciprocated.))
poems i mutter to myself
- living under the digestive system
- the shrinking lonesome sestina
- the world is too much with us
- you mustn't be afraid, god
homes, past and present
- one day i will start emailing people who list an email here