was in ny for just over 24 hours and bounced. i had a great time with very good friends, and all of my trains, subways, and buses were on time, which was something. i saw a rat almost crawl into a man's jacket (marrissa and i made noises to redirect it), heard that another rat charged at my friend helen, talked about how graphic design is a rotting discipline with a few people, oh and someone at a bodega said good morning to me. a bizarrely good trip. aside from the rat in the jacket (and a couple other things that i won't share), this trip almost made ny seem nice! but i know the truth 😋 . . . 😥🪻❣️🌻😢 sad to lose d'angelo . so very tired today. i hope tomorrow is better. been thinking about chicago, how i haven't visited much after dad died. the last time i was there was in january. it was freezing and i was depressed. on my last day, i remember bringing my laptop to tempo café and ordering a poor man's veggie skillet with bottomless coffee and working at a big table/booth. per usual folks were kind. during that trip i got dinner with my friend binta who makes music. she had recently left her job at iman to focus on her music practice. i loved hearing about what she was doing. i miss chicago, i wonder when i will live there again (when, not if). philly is kind of a wannabe chicago tbch. i felt that way about milwaukee, too. i moved there almost ten years ago and was so weirded out by how chicago-like it was, minus the greatness that is chicago. philly isn't as bad as milwaukee (which is quite terrible, so the bar is low). philly isn't bad at all, it's just old and underdeveloped like most east coast cities. fortunately it's not like new york, otherwise i would have moved out a while ago. i feel like my dad and i share this thing in common, living in a lot of different places for no clear reason. in my dad's case, he had us living in random small towns like provo, utah and kent, ohio. in my case, i like to observe and study bigger american cities. not as an insider, just as a fly on the wall. i pay attention to how people regard each other on the street, on transit, in the library or at a grocery store. i see what it's like to drive in each town, how people act on the road, whether parking sucks, whether the suburbs are worth writing about. i try to pay attention to what the black people complain about, since each city is failing them in one way or another. i will admit i haven't gotten to know philly that well. the main thing i've noticed is that the muslims are not like muslims in the midwest. when i meet muslims in the midwest, we act like we are the only muslims in america. in philly it's a little different but i don't know why and am not yet sure if i care. this is unrelated but i was walking to my acupuncture clinic a couple months ago and saw a postman getting into his car. he had super mario socks on, they were blueish gray with a mushroom pattern. i smiled at him and said i like his socks, and he said thank you. . . . @jakewelch agreed 100%. we were in provo and later on in springville, so not too far from you. . @jakewelch where in utah did you grow up? . . . i think the white liberals i cross paths with assume that it was difficult for me to grow up in utah since we were surrounded by conservative white people. truth be told, navigating whiteness in utah was way less complicated, stupid, and weird than what i'm used to dealing with today. my dad loved utah and missed living there before he died. and ok, utah can be weird for reasons i won't get into, but folks were just themselves. life wasn't a psychological obstacle course. white liberals bother me. they make everything about them, they are always missing the plot, and they are *not* not racist. just saying! . ❤️ . . . thinking of the people who have brought me joy over the past five-ish years and hoping they are doing well or okay. a lot has changed and a lot hasn't. it's not always the case that i sit in a room with people who get me. more often than not, i don't, and it becomes a chore explaining myself -- not only for me but for others, too (though they'll never admit it). in my journal, i've been trying to better understand what liberation looks like and why it's so difficult to render or translate that word. i think i know why but still want to find a source of support. now i wonder about forgiveness. hmm, i want to run away to the woods.