everything i eat tastes better today. i am probably returning the fragrance i got. ◎ ⦿ ◎ i splurged. i smell like a girl. nothing else matters. ⦿ ◎ ⦿ i think i found my new fragrance for the summer: kilian's love, don't be shy eau fraiche. i tested it at my local sephora today and am probably going to splurge. kilian fragrances are overpriced and the packaging is interesting. imho the people behind this brand are trying too hard to make it look luxurious, but the effort is endearing. kilian's brand is saks fifth avenue's signage if it weren't designed by pentagram. kilian's vibe is the year 2003. love, don't be shy is like a liquified juicy couture tracksuit. love, don't be shy eau fraiche smells like the girl who gets asked to prom with a big bouquet of white flowers on hand. i don't normally go for fragrances that are sweet and girly, but i like this one. it's airy enough for me to layer this with some bitter or spicy notes and it makes me want to plan for prom, which i don't remember going to. how fun, i will smell like a girl for the rest of this damp hot summer. ◎ ⦿ ◎ this week was annoying so i am shopping for a new fragrance or two or three. ⦿ ◎ ⦿ as a child i once took a bath for many minutes then removed the drain plug from my tub's floor and watched as a whirlpool rushed down the black hole between my seven- or eight-year-old feet. i remember begging the water to stay or at least slow down so that i could pack up my belongings and join it. how badly i wanted to be near them; how fearful i was when i got the chance. i remember emails and phone calls that teleported me to another planet -- back home for the first time, a fluffy sweet cushion bounced between our words, pauses, chuckles. i had finally entered the drain. on earth, i was made aware of my extraterrestrial status, an experience i never looked forward to but often anticipated, sometimes to my detriment. on this unidentified planet, however, i felt mobilized and whole: i was home. a honey-soaked cloud of emotion that i couldn't quite penetrate; this was new, like watching my own childbirth, and i was overwhelmed. still, their curiosity followed me without waver, even as i derailed myself and slashed tires. i wanted to paint pictures with fog. i didn't know how to embrace knowing nothing. i questioned every facet of the experience out of fear and dread of humiliation. what i would give to go back and tell them that i loved it all, that i didn't, don't want to be fearful, and that i love them back. ◎ ⦿ ◎ i want to add justin bieber's "daisies" to my are.na channel but the album art is so blatantly unacceptable that i can't get myself to do it. last night i dreamt that i was applying some sort of product onto my face and it started burning, looked red. a lot of other things took place in this dream but i can't remember them. i slept in for a while this morning then felt hungry and boiled broccoli. now i'm boiling mini potatoes, which i will butter up and eat with a rotisserie chicken and the remaining broccoli. maybe ranch, too. my kitchen is tiny and very "analog" compared to my previous kitchens, which prompts me to cook differently --- one thing at a time; the fewer the ingredients, the better. i have an analog timer that is magnetically attached to my small gas stove. it's probably my favorite object in the kitchen; it just rung a few minutes ago. before boiling the broccoli i was trying to remove black crud from my cheap ikea "nonstick" skillet but it wouldn't come off. i boiled water on the skillet which helped a little bit, but i suppose this is a permanent scar. the crud accumulated after i made pancakes a few times. i've been eating pancakes and bagels more often lately, probably because i've been watching the OC religiously and they are always eating bagels and pancakes on that show. the OC is brilliant in the first 1-2 seasons and then nosedives in season 3. the main character is supposed to be 17 or 18 but he looks older than me and does not appear at all to be from california. i must attend to my potatoes. ⦿ ◎ ⦿ my dad was like a quiet sponge with psychic or spiritual tendencies; he'd often listen without interjecting, soak in what he observed over time, and eventually say or do something that helped my mom and i navigate our struggles. he was good at reading us, particularly when we lacked the self-awareness to know or remember that we housed courage and strength, that we deserved better than what was in front of us. these days, i feel supported by my dad in a special way. he's no longer living but i can hear him reminding me of who i am and what i am worth. i'm extra depressed this week and feel less motivated to do the things that would normally make me happy. i joke of being a house spouse because after all these years working and taking care of myself, i wonder how it would feel to do something else for a lifetime. depending on the circumstances it would probably make me miserable, but i think it's worth asking: what circumstances would help cultivate a sustainable joy? i look back at painful memories through a different lens these days. i feel different, less shaped by my past and more conscious of what actually took place and why. i look back at a younger me who rescued herself, not just once or twice, but perpetually. i knew nothing back then and still don't know a lot, but like my dad, i had a gut instinct that ended up serving me. i know nothing aside from your worth. ◎ ⦿ ◎ anything i think or say today seems silly. for example [revised]: rather than construct a golden dome, can potus create a giant dehumidifier that floats above the entire east coast? it will need a charcoal filter most probably. it would win over us fobs, if that helps sweeten the pot. 🪻 today's scent is residual jasmine, sandalwood, iris, neroli and turkey bacon grease via sweat. 🪻 soon i will be in rittenhouse square with needles on my legs, hands, and ears. 🪻 oh, to be a house spouse. 🪻 oh, to be myself without worry. 🪻 my menses are more regular these days and i now know when i am ovulating, which is not today. ⦿ ◎ ⦿ i'm browsing justin bieber's new fashion line because i'm behind on everything. i like the website, love the platform slip-ons, and think the brand name is stupid. the logo is just ok, bordering mediocre, but the bubble y2k treatment of the wordmark is very cute. the logo and wordmark remind me of kim kardashian's logo for "skims" (not a good thing at all), and as previously mentioned, the name is probably the worst part. i thought people stopped removing consonants from things at least ten or twelve or maybe even twenty years ago. remember mstrkrft? remember msfts?? lol with the right brand name and distribution strategy, this could have been huge. imagine this stuff being sold at ross or tj maxx, intentionally and immediately upon release. or, what if jb did what kanye talked about ages ago and partnered with payless. we all know this shit was cheaply produced. ah well. perhaps someday i'll find the chunky slip-ons at tj maxx for $30 (doubt it), but til then, i'm sure i can find the inspo for some (all?) of these designs in chinatown. (not counting the zip hoodies because who cares about them.) i just bought two pairs of crocs. oh and regarding the new album. i like it when justin sings like a white guy. in general, that tends to work out better for him but he didn't do it enough on this album. the interlude about him having a black soul deserves a dissertation and the guy who said that needs to stop it with the black and milds and go away for a while. i won't comment on the album art because i don't wanna be "that designer."