hello ! let’s be friends ! i miss u ! please send me mail ! __,._ / _ \ | 6 \ \ oo \___/ .|__|| _,..="^ . , " , \ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ____ ____ ____ ;.__________________/ "the lost glove is happy" notes / log (i try to be self aware abt oversharing but also i love2 share): 01.17 i have missed a great many days, do you forgive me love to flake on friends to flake again and then they flake on me i have few options ; think i will be lonesome soon current head circle is porches saying "be-lieves in the STRAP" 01.14 very nutritious salad lunch today been thinking about when i feel my worst/do worst things, and really i think it's just a sunday feeling i used to get really depressed on sundays, now my schedule is different so i haven't really felt the correlation but it makes sense i feel deeply unproductive, and that becomes a guilty sad feeling that turns into everything else 01.12 anna and dasha say a lot of stuff i disagree with but sometimes they say something and i’m like yeah same a thing they’ve brought up a couple times now is this soviet mindset of not decorating or having like “nice” house because of this immigrant mindset and i really felt that i have no idea how to decorate an interior bc nothing has ever felt permanent “no matter how successful or wealthy we get we have to live out of a suitcase for the rest of our lives” i have never bought a rug or a throw, the only poster on my wall growing up was one my friend got me, i kept one shelf to important things and taped stuff to the inside of it scarcity mentality lol 01.11 thrift store today, got a skort, a skirt, a sweater, and a turtleneck lots of cool tones, which i dont usually do but we'll see ! excited2 wear actual real clothes and not just band merch 01.10 i dont want it i dont want anything i just want to curl up in bed and be unable to cry 01.09 didn’t cry, got coffee with a friend this morning + hopefully tmw will meet their boyfriend !! he seems sweet, we have the same taste in music things i ate today ( not all in one go, i just think it’s amusing ) : vegan ham and cheese croissant, soft boiled egg, seventeen olives, one cucumber, yogurt with granola, boba, pan de coco, two instant coffees, one bolillo roll with kashkeval 01.08 brink of tears a lot today, hope they dont come at work i want u to be warm, even if u like the cold california winters the braid down my back almost posted graphic content to twitter, think i need to draw a thick line for what i show the world and stick to one side of it 01.06 woke up and went back to bed im alive today, spiritualized energy (listening2 ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space dont text) i made a cute playlist, all uptempo songs. it's called anti hurt, wonder if the artists r looking thinking about when frankie cosmos said whats up w my face is it too late or is it gonna change 01.04 wanted to track self hate/self awareness this week but it's really hard to pay attention to, and im not sure if ive even actively self hated? it is hard to put a finger on it 01.02 today hopefully will be okay, had a stress dream about work last night, after doing something not ideal i wonder why i am this way 01.01 new year new something friend said her resolution was to make it through this year, i relate gonna try to be aware of my self even if it is ugly and difficult this year i will try to be a person, a real person (email tips please, if you feel so inclined) nearing the end of today, and i can't cry even though it's all i want. maybe tomorrow my tears will come 12.29 tell me words that don’t exist i miss you i miss you 12.28 see, my tank is clean. my room is dirty. one of my patients is hospice and she was doing poorly last night. i’m glad she has the chance to have a calm and comfortable death, i hope if i ever get really sick someone lets me do the same. 12.27 good morning, im going back to work today nothing is important anymore really, need to find some stuff that makes me feel a certain way i intake and it does not help me

words 4u

  • pastel sweetness in the clouds,
  • i taste the cold
  • and trace my hands
  • grounding a fist as i poison my self
  • watching as the purples turn to grey

a list of songs updated 01/11

  • (heroin party - if i cleaned everything would you come back)
  • (they are gutting a body of water - ES beautyhand)
  • (kitty - 285)
  • (worst party ever - things change)
  • (crying - wool in the wash)
  • (daniel johnston - true love will find you in the end)
  • (wicca phase springs eternal - i wanna go out tonight)


  • coffee (pourover)
  • coffee (instant)
  • pedialyte
  • black tea
  • broth

thoughts atm

  • last thing i baked
  • blood orange pound cake (01/07)
  • //
  • more thoughts :
  • a sore body, still begging to hold
  • //
  • date of last cry:
  • 01/09
  • //
  • even more thoughts:
  • a very very long stairway leads to a star

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