𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼𖤣𖥧𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖥧𖡼 𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃 6.5.26 the streamers j tapped to my doorframe are caught in the closed drawer and rustling from my ceiling fan like leaves. 6.3.26 thirty years old! I did cry many times yesterday, "hand on my stupid heart," in the shower, on my floor, drinking water in the kitchen, singing alone to the open window in the bathroom. waving hands of green. j got us breakfast sandwiches and ran into our friend c at the shop, so the house was silent and sunny and enormous from both accounts when I woke up. something about inhabiting a space with another person where their absence increases the largesse and sounds of the same space—presence redoubled in absence, etc. was lovely to have the morning to myself a bit, to meditate and center and shower and situate myself in the swell of the day I already felt coming. then: sandwiches, birthday gifts (a ds9 replimat blue raktajino mug and "the other bennet sister"), nothing at all, a walk to the coop in the humid heat to pick up berries and cream, and the evening to myself to journal before dinner. I usually do a tarot spread but felt spirit give a gentle "no, wait," so wrote longer and remembered the words from gretchen nearly ten years ago, "everything you have is inside you. you have everything you need." her rainbow cord still on my altar. cold leftover sandwiches, another nonalcholic hop tea, shortcake and whipcream and berries in the gathering dusk. we laughed at how little we could handle the sweets—like old people, we are! and I blew out a single table candle in lieu of birthday ones. we played uno at the table by candlelight and then read in bed until the clock struck 11pm and I left my twenties for good. how strange it is to be alive. 6.2.26 - #419ea5 quick roasted #0A4023 green beans with the last of the #B01A17 tomatoes (already dubious), some #E3CC9F hummus in the broken food processor, #DB6D18 carrots for hot horse summer (chomp crunch snap). apprehensive about my birthday tomorrow, anticipating a good cry. 6.1.26 rabbit rabbit, up until 4am nearly finishing Gaskell's "Mary Barton," then a quick morning coffee at nearly noon on the back deck, followed by impulse shower, the last of the fig and fennel loaf, more water, and now onto some light work as the week begins. I always love wiping the slate clean at the start of a new month, and my birthday on wednesday! june has a harried energy to it, though not in a negative sense, so perhaps harried is incorrect—more like the wind is bringing up all kinds of things and the best thing to do is move with, not against it. I can't get the over the term "frabbit" from the 1840s for "peeved." doctor appointments upcoming, meetings all the month long, and finally my work begins to pick up. I'm going to paint my nails blue and gently brush out the cast on my waves with my fingers. perhaps I shall fix my sleep schedule yet, though the sun lingers so long I'm loath to prepare for bed while meanwhile a light golden cast falls across the street—